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Maybe it’s because it’s Monday – but I’m uber-pissed off today so let’s crack on shall we?
Right, so I was reading one of Jill’s trash mags when I came across this …
Ooooooh, that’s an interesting idea … Jarrah coffee has the ability to help you drift away from all of life’s expectations and demands and slip into your own zone of comfort, isolation and relaxation/rejuvenation.
That’s so differentiated, except for the fact a million other brands have said the same thing for the last 2000 years representing categories as varied as bath salts and liquor to chocolate and tea.
Oh I’m sure they have all sorts of research that justifies this as the right strategy … but you know what, I bet I could get some research that would allow me to do ads positioning Jarrah as the brew that turns you into an Italian temptress.
Fuck, I can see it now …
Close up of Monica Bellucci looking right into the camera. Her eyes are slightly narrowed, her lips parted and glistening slightly.
When you’re hot and steamy, you command total attention.
New Jarrah ‘cino coffee: Be Italian.
But enough of that, let’s look at that visual a bit more shall we?
Maybe I’m being a bit cynical, but am I the only one that thinks Jarrah are saying when you take a gulp of their powered pap, you feel like you’ve been thrown into a bath of boiling hot coffee???
Jesus, can you imagine the burns you’d get … that doesn’t sound very relaxing does it.
But it gets worse.
A LOT worse.
You see to me, not only is this ad saying that one gulp makes you feel like you’ve been plunged into a bath of coffee at surface-of-the-sun-esque temperatures … but it also implies that some bastard will come along and empty a whole bottle of bubble bath in there as well …
Christ, there’ll be bubbles everywhere and – as a man who once empted a family size bottle of ‘Matey’ into the bath only a few years ago – it’ll take a bloody age to clear up.
Seriously, how are you supposed to let all your troubles drift away when your skin resembles a lobster, your mouth, nose and eyes are being filled with [possibly] toxic bubbles and your body is starting to smell like a hobo who has lived in a Starbucks bin for 4 years!
But there’s more …
You think those brown speckles floating on the bubbles are the finest Belgium chocolate?
No … that’s what they WANT you to think … what they really are, are the effects of having boiling hot coffee splashed against your nether regions for 20 minutes.
Yep, I’m saying what you think I’m saying … they’re sprinkles of shit.
What on earth were Jarrah thinking when they approved this monstrosity?
I can imagine what the creatives were thinking when they developed it [“Take this you conservative, powered-coffee, delusional toads”] … but Jarrah!
Come on, do they really think an image of a woman plonked into a bath of boiling hot coffee, with bubbles and shit sprinkles is appealing?
Well yes they do … and not just because they paid for a double page spread, but because if you look carefully, you can see they wrote this on the ad …
Serving suggestion? Fucking serving suggestion?
No offence Jarrah, but even if Megan Fox [sorry Angelina] offered me a coffee, and then served me a cup with her buck naked in it, I’d not find it very appetising.
OK, that’s a bad example. A very bad example … but just what were you thinking?
Is it supposed to be humour? Is it supposed to be funny?
Well sorry to disappoint you but it’s no way near as funny as trying to position your powered coffee as a product that can give you an experience other than sheer bloody disappointment.
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