The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


Is The Blair Witch Project Actually A Documentary On Men’s Views Towards Getting Married?
December 17, 2013, 6:10 am
Filed under: Comment

Marriage.

One word that can have an amazing effect on people.

For some it’s sheer delight … the belief that destiny will be fulfilled.

For others it’s sheer terror … the feeling that life is about to be constrained and torturous.

Being hyper-generalising for a moment, the former view feels the domain of young women whereas the latter is the young male perspective.

Hey, I did say I was being generalising so don’t hold me to it.

Carrying on with the cliche-view for a moment, these viewpoints could be because apart from wanting to have that ‘princess’ moment, women have an underlying fear of being ‘left on the shelf’ whereas for men, it’s the fear of ‘missing out on opportunities’ with that gorgeous filmstar that you just happen to bump into and feel an immediate and overwhelming chemistry with.

Of course it’s all bollocks, another example of how our emotions rule us against logic and reason which is why I love a sign a NYC jeweller has put in their male bathroom.

Whether someone reads it or not is immaterial to me, I just love that [1] they did it and [2] they placed it in the bathroom where a lot of men in the engagement-ring-buying-process end up under the ‘guise’ of needing a wee [yes, I really did say 'wee', deal with it] but actually going in there so they calm down, look at themselves in the mirror and say, “I’m going to do this, I’m going to do this, let’s do it”, before splashing some water on their faces before getting on with one of the best – and most expensive – decisions they’ll ever make in their life.

When I was buying Jill’s engagement ring, I was so freaked out by the whole thing [in a good way, I should add] that I got called back to the jeweller on FOUR different occasions because of mistakes I’d made on the cheque, including once where I’d SPELT MY OWN NAME INCORRECTLY!!!

Getting married is a big thing. A very big thing.

It stirs up a hornets nest of feelings and thoughts – and that’s when you know you’re absolutely sure you want to be with the person you love for the rest of your life, let alone when you feel you might be about to make a massive mistake.

And that’s why I like that sign because it captures the fears and nervousness of people – or, more specifically men, then helps calm them down.

Reassures them.

Gives them clarity and perspective.

Then pushes them out the toilet door so they can go and spend a bloody fortune on an engagement ring even though the wife-to-be feels it is perfectly acceptable to return the favour by buying a $3.99 wedding ring from the local Argos.

But I digress.

Ahem.

Anyway, marriage is a wonderful institution, however if you listen to Aziz Ansari’s – and to be fair, Groucho Marx – perspective on it, you may find that particular term may be more appropriate than you first thought:

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46 Comments so far
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i fucking love marriage, thats why ive done it 3 times.

Comment by andy@cynic

Comedy gold.

Comment by DH

so were the marriages to wives #1 and #2.

Comment by andy@cynic

Comedy gold gold.

Comment by DH

Boom Tish.

Comment by Rob

by the way campbell, when you bought jills engagement ring, you did nothing wrong, she was just cancelling the cheques behind your back trying the fuck to get out of her life sentence in solitary fucking confinement.

Comment by andy@cynic

My middle name is shelf.

Comment by John

Is it “wooden shelf”?

Comment by DH

i heard doddsy doesnt have wood. maybe his name is limp plastic shelf.

Comment by andy@cynic

One
Two
Three
Ahhhh

Comment by northern

A man in a jewellers toilet would read the bible if it meant they didn’t have to go back out and spend a fortune to prove the diamond industry ad campaign is the most effective campaign in marketing.

Comment by DH

And this is in all their stores – doesn’t make it better or worse for that, but it’s corporate not unique.

Comment by John

If no other jeweller brand has it, surely that still makes it unique?

Comment by George

excuse me, but who the fuck gives a fuck.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’m not sure if I entirely agree with you on that John. Surely a brand can have a unique element that goes across a number of their stores without it meaning it has lost its sense of uniqueness.

I don’t even know if doing that automatically means it is corporate unless anything ‘uniform’ equates to that in your mind. Maybe it does, I hadn’t thought about it in those terms to be honest.

Comment by Rob

I think I’m influenced by the whole fake authenticity marketing machine, the chalk signs that are actually printed etc. I’m not saying this isn’t a very smart sign, I guess I just got the feeling that you thought it was a one -off and the more valuable for being so.

Comment by John

If shelf is your middle name, gullible is Rob’s.

Comment by DH

I believe that is the store where I bought Mary’s engagement ring many moons ago. I am not certain because my experience was slightly different to the Hollywood version of engagement ring shopping, but I still like the idea of it. For some unexplainable reason, it sounds like the sort of thing George Clooney would say, which if true, would surely make the bride-to-be actually enjoy hearing about her future husbands marriage fears.

Comment by George

thats what happens when you take what the lord almighty has decreed and do everything back to fucking front. sinner.

Comment by andy@cynic

You and me both Andrew.

Comment by George

It’s Robbins Brothers, George.

Comment by John

They should have that sign at Churches, not just jewellers. It’s very good. I was so excited to marry Sarah but still went through a momentary panic attack before the service. Instead of a sign, her brother brought me to my senses with the wise words, “do it or get hurt”. Sarah knows this so you cannot use it to blackmail me.

The Aziz skit is very funny. And slightly alarming.

Comment by Pete

theres always fucking room for blackmailing. wimp.

Comment by andy@cynic

Isn’t Sarah from the south? That means her brother would have said that with a gun to your head. A real shotgun wedding if I ever heard one.

Comment by Rob

It was touch and go, but no guns were withdrawn.

Comment by Pete

This blog should be renamed opinions of cowardly men.

Jemma x

Comment by Jemma King

ive done it 3 fucking times, im a fucking gladiator.

Comment by andy@cynic

Gold

Comment by Miguel

Hello Jemma. You are not supposed to have seen this post or it’s comments. Just like men aren’t supposed to see you dye your hair and have to shave your legs.

Or something.

Yours sincerely,

1950’s sexist man.

Comment by Rob

Women are always perfect, just ask Jill.

Jemma x

Comment by Jemma King

My daughter will be getting married in the new year. I like the man she has chosen to be her husband but I will still be showing her this post and the Aziz sketch later today.

In my humble opinion, marriage is wonderful. There should be more positive statements about it. But it only works if you find the right person and work together. But it is a wonderful thing and that is all that needs to be said about it.

Comment by Lee Hill

Well said Lee.

Comment by Pete

Baz could fit through the ventilation shaft without having to remove the cover.

Comment by Billy Whizz

the little fucker could also buy all the rings in the store so its a win fucking win for him. and has he ever thanked me for giving him his first ever pay cheque? has he fuck.

Comment by andy@cynic

He still owes me for a beer I bought him in 2004.

Comment by DH

In other news, I just watched Chandler Bing debating drug courts and addiction with Peter Hitchens on Newsnight. I need to go to bed.

Comment by John

Once is enough for me.

Comment by northern

Oscar Wilde said men get married because they’re tired
Which is cobblers, it’s marriage that saps the energy

In fact, it;’s like saying people go to an all you can eat buffet because your full (incidentally, my new team at work experienced shock and awe at my exploits at the Swadesh Indian buffet, I reckon I could out trough Fred)

Come to think of it, it’s like deciding to do Media Arts because you’re confused

Comment by northern

I must admit, I’m not sure what you’re saying here but as it involves gluttony and slagging off bullshit agency philosophies, I am more than happy to nod my head in agreement.

Now, how many freebies have you got now you’re in media land?

Comment by Rob

PS: I also think you should write something about what you’ve learnt and been surprised at now you’re in a [albeit good] media organisation.

As much as we joke about it, I think we are all mature enough to know how important and powerful great media [and great media people] are – but [1] I don’t know if the planning community bubble recognise that and [2] I’d be really interested to hear the bits you have learnt and been really surprised at.

You’re an influential fellow and your opinion counts, so what about a ‘all the things you wanted to know about media but were too pigheaded/arrogant to ask’ piece?

Comment by Rob

Good suggestion
And the freebies are ridiculous

Comment by northern

as ridiculous as getting paid a fucking fortune to do no work, get free tickets to fly to parts of the world to talk shit and invitations to sit in luxury fucking hotels for absolutely fuck all? no? then you have a fucking long way to beat campbell.

Comment by andy@cynic

I know I know I’m Vauxhall Conference

Comment by northern

youve got to be lower than that because campbell is nottingham league and he still manages to get grade a freebie shit while youre happy with a mug and some fucking out of date chocolates from the tv times rep.

Comment by andy@cynic

You’re showing your age. These days its Hotel Chocolat and, even better, Single malt from Sky.

Comment by northern

fucker.

Comment by andy@cynic




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