The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

I Fucking Hate Creative Justification That Is Total And Unadulterated Bollocks …
July 31, 2007, 11:01 am
Filed under: Crap Campaigns In History

Thanks to Age, I can now lead you to the bollocks television commercial for the Nurofen ad I slagged off here.

Go and see it then come back and read the rest of this post.

Off you go then  …

My office clock

Back? Already?  Did you really watch it?

Alright … alright … I believe you.

Wasn’t it a total pile of bollocks.  Seriously shit?

Well now read what the CD of EURO says to justify his abomination on society …

“We not only wanted to give the product an elite positioning, but we wanted to use humour and suspense for cut-through and engagement. We believe we have redefined what has up until now been a very predictable category”.

OK … I have some issues with all this.


Seriously, blatantly ripping off a shit movie from 8 years ago is hardly progressive and high-end.

Come to think of it – what does ‘elite positioning’ actually mean in the first place?


I’ve watched and re-watched the ad and have come to the conclusion the only people who would find it funny are the sort of sad-fucks who stay in on a Saturday night to watch “[Insert Country] Funniest Home Videos”


I’ve had more edge-of-the-seat moments watching the ‘Antiques Roadshow’ than that 30 seconds of crap could ever produce.

Hmmm... What Kind of Poo Will I Have Today?

Now I appreciate Rowan [the CD of Euro] has to defend his work – but if he really believes that is great advertising [even in the shitty ‘headache pill category’] then I suggest he takes 500 Nurofen or however many it takes to stop him talking absolute fucking shite in the public domain.

I HATE this sort of thing – especially as the mediocre-middle-management-client probably believes it’s truly ‘cutting edge’ mainly because the slimey account management team told them “THERE’S NOTHING LIKE THIS IN THE CATEGORY” and they blindly took this as a ‘good thing’.

Well it’s not a good thing and it’s not a good ad.

It’s not interesting, engaging, humouress, suspenseful, cut-through, engaging or motivating. Infact it’s shit in every way possible … utilising all the cliche elements a brand with nothing to say falls back on in a desperate bid to justify their outrageous media spend when all they are really doing is investing in audio and visual pollution/wallpaper that either is being avoided or laughed at by the general public.

[By the way, can anyone explain to me why after she set off the alarm, she did a bunch of fucking cartwheels rather than just run over to the fucking jewellery? And what a surprise, another ad making men [security guard] look total thick fuckwits. ARGH!]

This isn’t advertising … it’s badvertising … and I hate everything and everyone who had something to do it.

[Though to be fair, the TVC does have better production values than the print, which is what the original rant was all about, hahaha. Mind you, this leads to another HATE of mine … which is when a print ad is basically a still from the TV ad. When will companies learn that isn’t idea intergration, that’s fucking execution duplication – and I’ll be going on a humungous rant about that when I’ve calmed down from this heaving pile of shit!]

Hair Off …
July 31, 2007, 9:39 am
Filed under: Comment

So my very wonderful colleague, Emah [of Pink and AC/DC fame] has had her hair cut and she’s not sure if she likes it or not.

I think alot of it has to do with the fact her Mum told her she now looks like a ‘bitch’ [she more than just ‘looks’ it, I can tell you] but it could also be because it’s just so bloody different to what she had before.

Anyway, because you’re all such fashionistas – and don’t know Emah from her identical twin – I thought I’d seek your advice so that we can give her a truly independent – and global – point of view.

So ladies and gentlemen – the question for the day is which hairstyle do you think suits Emah best, BEFORE or AFTER?

Emah.JPG  Before

DSC00699.JPG After

Nurofen Gives Me A Headache …
July 31, 2007, 7:25 am
Filed under: Crap Campaigns In History

Yuppie Baz

Alot of people think individuals who talk about ‘high production values’ are the sorts of tossers who only drink red wine, wear black turtlenecks, watch independent movies and dine on alfalfa sprouts or mung beans.

They think these people are arrogant, condescending and out-of-touch with what the general public needs … wants … appreciates.

Alot of clients also seem to think ‘production value’ translates to ‘agency making more money’ and are becoming more and more miserly with their budgets … whilst simultaneously being more and more demanding in their expectations.

Now while I’ve met some individuals who suit those character-assassination attributes … and there’s been more than one agency that has raped a client interms of production costs … the reality is that how communication ‘looks’ can have an incredible impact on how well it resonates with society.

Don’t get me wrong … I’m not advocating style over substance … nor am I saying clients should continually give in to spiralling production costs … and I am certainly not equating ‘high production value’ with cliché-driven ‘status’ communication … I am just saying that if you don’t appreciate the importance of ‘visual treatment’, you can end up with something like this …


For those who don’t know what it is … it’s supposed to be a ‘take’ on the Catherine Zeta-Jones / Sean Connery movie ‘ENTRAPMENT’ [which came out in 1999] … except they’ve used a fat chick with a J-Lo arse and the most convoluted ‘back pain’ shot ever. It makes Nurofen look like a cheaper-than-cheap ‘own-brand’ and demonstrates …

1 The client had a small budget

2 The client was told/felt it this ‘idea’ [used VERY loosely] only required a small budget

3 The agency didn’t realise this was a shit execution

4 The creatives forgot the importance of production value – so if the idea needs money to make it ‘work’ [and the client hasn’t got it] … it’s better to think of a new concept or try and increase the clients budget [which this idea obviously DOESN’T DESERVE] than to go ahead and produce this sort of monstrosity.

However, as Nurofen seem happy to produce god-awful, lowest-common-denominator-of-imagination work, I’ve come up with my own executions which I am more than happy for them to use for a fee – and I can be dammed sure it’ll cost a hell of a lot less than their agency charged them for this bollocks. 

Sort it out Nurofen – your ads shouldn’t give people a headache, unless that is part of some cunning sales strategy! Ha!

Nurofen 1

  Nurofen 2  Nurofen 3

Mind you, whereas these are just some crappy spoofs from my crappy brain – a few years ago we did a rather fun [and controversial] ad for Panadol in India …


[The line say’s “ONE IS ENOUGH”]

Then there was the spot we shot in Oz which showed a queue of people waiting to drink from the Holy Water because they all said it made them feel so good … however when the camera panned upwards, you could see 10 monks dropping Panadol by the bucketload into the stream where the Holy water was taken from. 

Nice idea but got banned, hahaha!

So Nurofen and your agency … the ball is now in your court … up your game or face more shame! [… and that wasn’t supposed to rhyme!]

This Made Me Laugh Out Loud. Am I Evil?
July 30, 2007, 4:20 pm
Filed under: Comment

Bird Shit

I love it because to me, the “That’s Just Fucking Great” is coming from the perspective of a tired and exasperated Mother who now has to go home and somehow clean the runny shit from her little sods hair. Wonderful!

For Your Information [And My Reputation*]
July 30, 2007, 7:15 am
Filed under: Comment

There is currently a SONY ad on air that has [in my humble opinion] dodgy production values, awful music and no core idea.

I want to categorically state I [or my team] had nothing to do with it except develop the underlying FEEL strategy which it supposidly works off [though you’d never be able to tell if you saw the commercial]

Normal service will be resumed very soon. Oh yes … very, VERY soon! [Cue: Evil Laugh]

* Which I accept isn’t exactly worth much!

Stalking Made Easy …
July 30, 2007, 7:12 am
Filed under: Comment

Biz Card

Given I’ve seemingly been attempting career suicide of late [see here, here and here] … I have come up with an idea that allows me to continue that trend but earn some money from it at the same time. [Which is handy, as criminal lawyers cost so much these days]

So ladies and gentlemen … boys and girls … today I have a rare opportunity for you, an opportunity that many have only dreamed about.

Let me put a couple of questions to you …

How many times have you wanted to speak to someone really, really, really, really wealthy and pitch your great idea directly to them?

How many times have you wanted to just screw with the head of someone really, really, really, really fortunate?

How many times have you wanted to tell your big, big, big, big boss some anonymous home truths?

Well all those dreams and more can come true … because today I am able to offer you a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity … and that opportunity is to have access to the man who is small is size but massive in wealth and stature – SIR MARTIN SORRELL.

If you glance your eyes ‘upwards’ you will see a photo of the man in questions ‘business card’. This is 100% the genuine article … and I should know as he gave it to me personally last Friday.I am now open to bids for the card … or more precisely, open to bids for a copy of the card without annoying black lines all across the important bits … so if you have the desire, I can quench that fire – just raise your hand and make a bid.OK … OK … to be honest, Sorrell is not this devil that everyone makes him out to be.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t necessarily subscribe to his values of advertising, but he is obviously a very smart guy who is unbelievably informed – not just about ‘numbers’, but about people, capabilities, opportunities and situations.

Seriously, for the first part of our meeting I thought he was either clairvoyant or been talking to my Mum – he knew all the itty-bitty details – though thankfully the ‘Toad Of Toad Hall’ issue wasn’t raised, ha!

Anyway, enough of all that … lets get back down to business … which stalker/inventor/evil shit is going to open the bidding for this fantastic opportunity? 

Come on … step up … step up … shall we start with $100?

[ATTENTION LAWYERS: I am NOT really going to ‘sell’ Sir Martin’s details so please put your writs back into your bottom drawers. This is just a stupid joke … I am stupid and immature and just found this abit funny.  Mind you, if someone offered me billions [and their cheque didn’t bounce] then I might actually be tempted to flog the info because lets face it, I’m sure I could afford a great defence team and have enough money left over to buy my beloved-but-crap Nottingham Forest. DON’T watch this space, ha]

The Creator Of Sex & The City Gave Me This Quote …
July 27, 2007, 7:21 am
Filed under: Comment

“When something goes wrong, I want my man to fix it, but I know I’ll either have to do it myself or call in a repair man. Men are like women of the past, except with dicks”

If you want to know why – as well as how – this is relevant to creating/selling pragmatic planning … then may I suggest you go here[WARNING: It’s a long, long post]