The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


I’ve Just Lived A Charlie Chaplin Sketch …
August 6, 2007, 6:28 pm
Filed under: Comment

Sleeping Sea Lion Close-Up

I would like to say in my defense that I am extremely tired …

I’ve been flying here, there and everywhere – going from one time zone to the other – and basically doing my level best to fuck up my body clock once and for all.

Got it? 

Good … well maybe you won’t laugh as hideously as Jill, Fred and Andy have been for the last 10 minutes. 

OK … so I walked into my hotel and there on the table was a load of fruit.  

Smokey Pig - the best darn BBQ ever!

Amazingly I am trying to continue my healthily eating even though I am away from my daily ‘magic meals’ … so I picked up the reddest apple and while resembling a BBQ’d pig, stuffed as much of it in my mouth and took out the biggest bite you have ever seen.

Literally mid-bite, my eyes caught the gaze of the receptionists and realised that they looked shell-shocked and it was at that exact point the World seemed to go into slow-mo.

While I was hearing various members of the hotel staff shout out a monotonous “Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiir” , the inside of my mouth suddenly went into full-on gag mode as my brain quickly realised that not only was the apple a fake apple [wax] but it had been liberally coated in bloody furniture polish.

It was about now that I started looking like I was being strangled so I spat the wax-yuck into my hand while a shocked reception area gawped at me not knowing whether to laugh or come across and give me the Heimlich Maneuver.

However in a wonderful demonstration of ‘group ESP’ … everyone in reception decided OPTION 1 was the best move because within 2 seconds, they all went into loud and raucous laughter. The bastards.

Lemon Pledge & Behold Furniture Polish, 1970's

Not only was I [and continue to be] mortified – but I know I can never stay in that hotel again because while the staff were very professional and didn’t laugh in my face [even though I told them they should] … I know that at this exact moment, they are pissing themselves and emailing every fucking Westin Hotel in the whole poxy fucking World.

I have brushed my teeth about 800 times now and it STILL feels like there’s a bottle of pledge in there … infact the only good thing about this whole sorry episode is that it cured my jetlag because I’ve never felt so awake in my life.

So there you go … laugh it up you bastards, laugh yourselves silly, especially if you work for Mcann’s!

Karma’s such a bitch … ha!


46 Comments so far
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finally the universe gets justice for all your fucking little petty acts of supposed “humor”. fuckin gold, i just wish id been there to video it because then id of got it broadcast on every major network in the entire fucking world till everyone knew your name and your shame. thank you, its going to be a great day and i do love you really. for a sad twat.

Comment by andy@cynic

Why Rob, why?

Comment by George

That is a beautiful story Robert, and Jill can be sure that when you kiss, your mouth is free from dirt and germs. Jemma x

Comment by Jemma King

How does this always happen to you? You are the magnet of mayhem and I love you for it. Wrap yourself in cotton wool and don’t leave your room.
🙂

Comment by Pete

cock

Comment by andy@cynic

you sad, tired bastard.

Comment by marcusbrown

*heh* Sorry to hear about *hehe* your jetlag Rob. *snicker* Must be hard work.

*hehehehehe*
Brilliant comedy moment

Comment by Rob Mortimer

or what Andy said.

Comment by marcusbrown

You are a role model for all of us at cynic. Or do I mean the circus? I always get those mixed up.

Comment by Billy Whizz

so youre saying cynic is a circus are you billy? well if it is, youre the clown who has to come and put his head in the lions hungry mouth.

Comment by andy@cynic

Andy, that’s a strategy I wholeheartedly endorse for every piece of incriminating video material featuring Rob. The tape of his trip to Denmark onboard a ferry, circa 1985 comes to mind.

Comment by fredrik sarnblad

which head?

Comment by marcusbrown

Do you need help removing your foot from your mouth Billy? Just let me know. Jemma x

Comment by Jemma King

more like his fucking head from his arse, jem.

Comment by andy@cynic

Yeah … get it out your system you bastards … I’m off to catch a plane – which is sadly another thing I have a nasty habit of making a complete and utter tool of myself on.

Comment by Rob

supercock (but not in a way you can be proud of)

Comment by andy@cynic

I’ve been misquoted.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Rob, that’s great. I needed a good laugh.

Thanks for your advice the other week on costing with confidence. I got the gig for 3 months and they didn’t even bat an eye at the price.

Comment by Jade

get me a coffee and a sausage sandwich and ill maybe let your stupidity pass. maybe.
hello fred, what the fuck are you doing with that bloke as your boss. get out while you can, theres a desk waiting for you here and well change the locks so he cant come in and get you back.

Comment by andy@cynic

rob gave you advice on money did he jade?
no fucking wonder they didnt batter an eyelid on your price because if you followed his advice, you probably said youd do it for free like he offers every time he meets a client with an interesting fucking brief.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’m not a slave but by pure chance I was going to get a coffee and sausage sandwich so I might as well get one for you while I’m there. What a coincidence.

Comment by Billy Whizz

spineless.

Comment by marcusbrown

very fucking coincidental and i have a funny feeling you are going to get a copy of wallpaper while youre out too.

Comment by andy@cynic

Some people will do anything for attention.

Comment by John Dodds

Ha ha Andy, Rob did mention that. He told me he isn’t allowed to talk money. I just listened to the bit about being tough & firm in my decision and filtered out the rest.

Comment by Jade

so are snakes marcus

Comment by andy@cynic

yeah rob is so fucking tough in negotiations, he actually sold his car for less than the price they agreed because he said “the people seemed so nice”. puff. and yes john, youre right, we should be grateful he wasnt dressed in a fucking rabbit outfit while screaming through a megaphone “look at me, look at me about to be a twat”

Comment by andy@cynic

meaning?

Comment by marcusbrown

Amazing, it’s like you can read my mind.

Comment by Billy Whizz

hes like a snake but without the danger. a worm.

Comment by andy@cynic

This made me happy. Good stuff…plastic fruit, the downfall of many a man. 😉

Comment by Will

Suddenly Fatty Arbuckle springs to mind!

Comment by John Dodds

so even wax has a high fucking fat content does it john?

Comment by andy@cynic

Good job Rob never worked in MFI…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

mfi? the home for meteoric fucking imbeciles?

Comment by andy@cynic

Cheers Andy, I appreciate the offer. And I’ll give it some serious thought. Now, we haven’t met [yet], but based on your commentary on this blog, you sound like a lovely, sweet, caring and warm ad man, something I’m sure Billy would attest to when he brings you that sausage sandwich. That said, working with and answering to the “magnet of mayhem” [thanks Pete] is pretty damn close to terrific.

Comment by fredrik sarnblad

Rob M: I dread to think what the custom built toilets would have been like afterwards.

Seriously though, this made me chuckle. Much needed after being done up the arse by insurance companies.

Comment by Will

dear fred, why not go the whole hog and give rob a hand job because with that level of creeping i assume you already bring him an apple every fucking day.
classic scandanavian creeping, well done

Comment by andy@cynic

Andy, Actually I think that previous comment of mine was just enough to spare me from what you just said. But I must say I’m impressed you’re able to type while receiving the aforementioned services with sausage sandwiches coming out of your ears. 😉

Comment by fredrik sarnblad

never underestimate me fred 🙂

Comment by andy@cynic

Honestly, with proven multi-tasking skills that only the most feminine of women posses, I don’t see how that’s even remotely possible.

Respect.

Comment by fredrik sarnblad

MFI, the home of wax fruit and plastic books Andy. After typing on his plastic laptop, he can relax in his overpriced chair and eat his wax apple whilst reading a plastic Dickens.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

you have just given me a lovely idea, a lovely evil idea. expect campbells fucked off reaction in about a weeks time. youre good at influencing revenge mortimer, the government should put you on retainer or in fucking prison. got some mischief to work on, enough of this shit. 🙂

Comment by andy@cynic

Sounds interesting, be sure to update!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

pffffffffft McCanns… errrr

Comment by Age

hi. i’m so tired, i could eat a wax apple…
oh, and you guys have had it now – someone googled ‘london cynic rob andy’ and came up with me! ha.
night.

Comment by lauren




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