The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

The Meaning Of Life …
July 23, 2008, 3:45 am
Filed under: Crap Products In History


Who comes up with this shit?

Look, I like gardens as much as the next OAP, but to suggest I haven’t lived unless I’ve visited/seen 1001 of the bastards is pushing it a bit far.

No bloody wonder the book is on ‘sale’ – I mean, the only people who could [1] spare the time and [2] give a damn, are so bloody old that they’ll be pushing up daisies before they even reach triple figures of the suggested garden safari.

What next?

1001 Socks You Must Wear Before You Die?
1001 Coffins To Try Before You Buy [Which Hopefully Is Before You Die?]
1001 Prostitutes To Get STD’s From Before You Die?

The only reason to buy this book is if a garden-loving enemy of yours is on their death bed – because as you hand it over, you know their last living thought will be …

“Bollocks, my life has been wasted because I’ve not seen 1001 beautiful gardens”.

If someone buys you this book, smash them over the head with it because they hate you. HATE YOU!

If the publishers really wanted this book to stand a chance at flying off the shelves, they should of done a maximum of 100 Gardens, not a thousand.

A hundred is still be a lot, but in the weird minds of the green-fingered community, it probably represents a number that can be more realistically achieved – though if I was the publisher, I’d of also created the ‘Bloomin’ Beautiful Garden Holiday Tour’ and get garden fanatics to pay to be taken to maybe 10 of the gardens over a 3 week period.

Not only would this let them see the gardening majesty in the flesh [so to speak], they’d also get to share their holiday with a bunch of like-minded individuals – swapping tips, making friends and getting inspired for when they get home.

Well, that’s what I’d do anyway – especially because the book would then become more than just a reference guide, it would represent important and personal memories.

Separated At Birth … Again?
July 21, 2008, 3:21 am
Filed under: Comment

Kevin Hart Or Doug Roberts

So I was having dinner with my friend Doug Hart when I realised he bore a more than passing resemblance to Mr Love Marks himself – Kevin Roberts.

I’ve looked at the pictures for bloody ages and have come to the only conclusion that the only difference is the one on the right [Doug] talks more sense.

Well, he does when he’s sober!

So I was thinking, given I’ve been told I look like some freak from Harry Potter [thanks NP] and I have claimed Charles and Russell, Jon and Vince and now Doug and Kevin are one and the same – who do you think you look like and provide photographic evidence so your delusions can be smashed into pieces.

Spinal Tap Were Right …
July 21, 2008, 2:41 am
Filed under: Comment

In the classic mockumentary, Spinal Tap guitarist Nigel Tufnell say’s the reason the volume control on his Marshall amps goes up to 11 is because it’s “1 better” than amplifiers that only go up to 10.

Well it would seem that Toyota have been inspired with this approach because they’ve gone and made the volume control of their car stereos not go up to 10 … not even 11 … but ….

Talking of stupidity, have a look at their automatic gearbox.


Maybe they were adopting the same strategy as the QWERTY keyboard – trying to stop people accidently doing things that could damage the machine – but let me tell you it doesn’t work either practically or asthetically.

What’s going on with Toyota? Hell, the Japanese philosophy is ‘perfection’ so why they seem intent on letting the fuck-up fairy loose on all their hard work is beyond me.

No doubt some ‘business guru’ will claim they’re doing it because everything is too easy for them … but I’m not a business guru so I’ll just say it looks and performs like shit.

Thank you and goodnight.

I Should Have Posted This A While Back …
July 14, 2008, 3:25 am
Filed under: Comment

Balloon POP! Photo: RyanLF

… but with so many creatives whining and whinging that too much scam won Cannes awards, it’s nice to know at least one real ad got the acclaim it deserves.

Funny how I suddenly think creative awards are soooooooo important now eh? Ha!

Well done to everyone … stand up, take a bow and negotiate a nice pay rise 🙂

[If you want to see the spot, click here]

Oh and a big congrats to all our other guys who won stuff at Cannes – it’s been a good year for you/us – even if some of the awards were for companies who you wouldn’t expect to big investors in advertising, cough-cough-splutter-splutter!

There’s A Lot Of Songs That Describe How I/We Are Feeling …
July 9, 2008, 3:24 am
Filed under: Comment

Busted Thumb Photo: StephenD9

… Iron Maiden’s Stranger In A Strange Land

… Genesis’ Illegal Alien

… even the Toy Doll’s Nelly The Elephant [don’t ask] … but I don’t mean this in a bad way, just in a WHATTHEFUCKISGONGONANDHOWTHEHELLDIDITHAPPEN kinda way!

Anyway, I hope everyone is fit and well [you’ll certainly be being a hell of a lot more productive without this blogshite interupting your day] and the bad news is I’ll be back in the not too distant future with more ranting rubbish than you ever thought possible.