The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


In Nottingham, Life’s A Beach … Then You Die.
July 27, 2009, 6:08 am
Filed under: Comment

Despite high crime, high teenage pregnancy, high drug usage and high[ish] unemployment – I have always been very proud of coming from Nottingham.

Or should I say, I WAS always proud of coming from Nottingham till I saw this …

Photo: Veggiesosage

Despite it resembling some sort of building site, it is an attempt to recreate a beach in Nottingham’s Old Market Square.

A beach.

In the centre of Nottingham.

Of course, this comes from a county that once spent hundreds of thousands of pounds on a rebranding campaign to ensure it remained relevant and enticing to national and international trade and tourism and after months of research and consideration, came up with a slanted, letter ‘N‘.

Yep, despite having a whole host of values and characteristics to base their strategy on … the agency [who probably think Peter Arnell is a visionary] – and local Government – decided the key to Nottingham’s future was ‘N‘.

Genius.

Did I say genius? Sorry, I meant twats.

On the bright side, it seems the person behind this moment of madness has been – like all British crims – despatched to our open prison on the other side of the planet, because Age recently sent me an article that talks about Melbourne’s new inspiring branding idea.

Yep, you guessed it, it’s ‘M‘.

Just think, a single letter – that is available to all and could easily represent all whole host of M-lettered cities – cost AU$240,000.

TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY THOUSAND DOLLARS!!!

OK, so the Aussie dollar is the Pacific Peso of international currencies, but it’s nice work if you can get it … and Landor [the guys who had the balls to put the invoice in] seem to get it a hell-of-a-lot.

Jealous?

Yeah – I’d like a heap of dosh dropped into my bank account for pimping up a single letter of the alphabet, but being able to look at myself in the mirror each morning is worth way more.

Anyway, back to the Nottingham beach.

Look, I’m sure creating a faux-beach in the middle of a city made some sense to someone at some point in time – and without doubt it has generated tons of press coverage – but when I saw this video, I think the true enourmity of the car crash potential of the idea became clear …

[Youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wixuZvxF_1Y]

No, it’s not the fact shitloads of money has been spent on creating the most un-beach like beach in the whole wide World … nor is it the fact that when it rains – and it will – it’s going to make like site of the D-Day landings look a dream … it’s the fact that the moment the place was officially ‘opened’ a crowd of weirdo’s consumed every square inch of the place in the time it normally takes them to pick a wallet.

Seriously, it’s like they have never seen a building site before in their lives … but as I am popping over there next week, I guess I’ll be able to see for myself whether – like Danni Minogue – its better in the flesh.

I won’t be holding my breath.


36 Comments so far
Leave a comment

At least people are still enthusiastic, wonder why they they don’t just catch a bus an go to Brighton for a day 🙂

Comment by bhaskar

another fucking day in paradise eh rob?

to answer your question bhaskar, the reason the fake beach enthusiasts dont go to brighton is because they only get a day release from prison so its too far to get there and back in 24 hours. that and the fact brighton isnt so fucking good to write home about either.

englands number 1 seaside town might be a cooler place to visit than nottingham and its tourist attractions of fake beaches, a big tree with a hole in it and live gun crime theatre but its still shit.

hope that helps.

Comment by andy@cynic

Andy’s job at the tourism minister of the UK is going quite well don’t you think?

Comment by Rob

I’ve never been to Nottingham and I am sure it is a nice city, but that beach scares me to my very core.

If I lived in Melbourne, I’d be very concerned what the local council will be putting in the middle of Federation Square (is that the right name?) in a few years. 🙂

Are there any words left to describe Landor? I know they have plenty of smart people working for them, but what they charge for what they actually do and produce is criminal.

Are you still planning to do that TV show Rob? I think it would be fantastic because it might show clients the complex words, charts and expensive suits they pay for are proprietry tools of the schemer, not the brand consultant.

Comment by Pete

Andy, You just killed the UK tourism campaign

Comment by bhaskar

i cant take the credit for that bhaskar, they did it all by themfuckingselves.

Comment by andy@cynic

I reckon the locals of Torremolinos are the Mastermind behind that beach.

Comment by fredrik sarnblad

I know why you would say that Freddie, but I reckon the people of Nottingham ARE the locals of Torremolinos!

Comment by Rob

To be honest I don’t actually mind the new Melbourne logo but the cost and the wank behind it is ridiculous. Not to mention the fact the job wasn’t even given to a local company in the first place. As a Melburnian, it angers me.

I’ll never understand the thought process that goes into some decisions that get made by politicians especially on a local/municipality level – how many sets of hands and eyes did this project go though? No one thought about speaking up?

Either they’re all fucking idiots, or fucking cowards. Either way we all lose.

Comment by Age

Imagine if Landor used their powers for good…

Comment by niko

I think the guy in the high vis jacket is lost…he was actually looking for a building site!

Comment by Shib

If Nottingham is as dangerous as you say Rob, do you think the beach is where all the dead bodies are buried?

Good point Niko, and imagine if Santa Claus was real too. Pity they’re just dreams. 🙂

Comment by Bazza

of all the things to dream about you dream of a old fat guy who wants to have you sit on his lap?

I’d of thought that dream was within your grasp, living in Cali? 🙂

Comment by niko

Baz is 2ft 3″, if a moth lands on his lap he’s dead – let alone some old bastard with a white beard.

Comment by Rob

you can talk niko. you fucking dreamt of landor being nice. what does that mean, they reposition you as ‘n’ for only 100k?

dont you worry baz, ill look after you. now you owe me a great big fucking lunch. lol.

Comment by andy@cynic

i shall be shot for this, but i love the M logo and age, you need to stop reading the tabloids.

melbourne already had an M logo – several of them all lame. much more lame than the munich M logo, but not as nice as the Milan M logo. and now the logo is fuckin’ amazing. yes, fuckin’ amazing. the structure, flexibility and colour schemes are brilliant, it is classical and contemporary, which means that it will fuckin’ work as a consolidated identity. for years.

$240,000 for a complete rebrand and all that collateral is pretty reasonable, actually. for that high level of design and build. besides, sydney/australian spent millions on the olympics logo that lasted, ooh, 4 years. a public artwork in st. albans (which will probably be shit) will cost $200,000 later this year. all this focus on the cost by the media = grabbing at straws.

and the fact that it’s designed by non-melbournians means that they can be bloody objective about designing for melbourne. unlike melbournians. clearly.

i’m not going to go into nottingham – i need to go to bed, i’m cranky. obviously.

Comment by lauren

oh, and that beach looks shit. sorry.

Comment by lauren

grumpy Lauren. Grumpy old lauren.

Comment by Marcus

landor called lauren. theyre ready for you to start selling the letters of the fucking alphabet. theyre sure youll do well at the bargain price of just 240 grand a letter. should pitch for nyc? that would be nearly a mill right away.

they especially like the way you can talk passionately about being objective and then in the same fucking breath admit what melbourne paid for was an update of the same old fucking letter they had years ago. youre made for this consultancy lark. made for it. fill your boots.

Comment by andy@cynic

Having lived in Melbourne most of my life, I can’t really see the relevance of the logo to the city – what’s with the geometrical form – maybe I am not getting something. And if you’re going to redesign your logo in an effort to promote the merits of your city – would you not start by hiring a local agency?

PS. check out the overcast sky with dark, grey clouds looming over N’s sorry excuse for a fake beach – wonder how long the joy would have lasted in that over populated sand pit.

Comment by Juanita

Now Rob, you know that within 72 hours from now you and Paul will be queing up for the helter skelter and candy floss – can’t wait.

See you soon luv Shelly xx

Comment by Shelly

is this the paul who chopped his fucking finger off while mowing the lawn and bought his wife a dustbin or something equally as divorce worthy for his wifes birthday?

yeah, hes just the type to be at the shit fake beach within days. 🙂

Comment by andy@cynic

You have a brain like an elephant Andy … and a mind made for causing shit to others.

Sorry about that Paul … but not as sorry as you were when you bought Shelly the kitchen bin!

See you both soon and yes, we’ll go to the bloody beach – but no way in 72 hours, I’ll need months to prepare for that momentous event. 🙂

Comment by Rob

Can I just say Andy’s comment about Lauren’s momentary period of corporate toadiness is wonderful. Sorry Lauren, but you started it. 🙂

Comment by Rob

before i tell anyone to fuck off, what logo recent design would you be willing to defend? just so i know what your expectations of ‘good’ and ‘value’ are, compared to mine.

and juanita, i’m not sure which version of the logo you’ve seen, or how long it’s been since you’ve ventured into the city of melbourne, but there are quite a few landmark architectural buildings, all of which can relate to the logo without too much of a stretch.

and can someone please explain to me why you need to be local in order to design a logo for a place? happy to be wrong, but i really don’t understand. from outside australia? yeah, sure, presents problems. but the design studio are from sydney, for crying out loud.

Comment by lauren

oh, and andy dear, you’re just pissed that i destroyed your blowjob dreams. get over it.

Comment by lauren

You’ve had better comebacks Lauren.

Could of chosen a better word there I think, ha!

Comment by Rob

I have to say… I agree with Lauren about the actual design. I think it sums up my city perfectly. Juanita, it’s in line with almost any building or public space thats been constructed in the last few years and is instantly Melbourne. I can see it working well.

I don’t agree with Lauren about who designed it because I think this is just as important as the product itself. The older I get the more value im starting to put on the overall “story” various things have. It’s about appreciating the process to a level where you can sit back and admire the added layers of meaning to something. What im saying is… in ten years time, i would much rather be able to say that this logo was crafted by Melburnians that were the same people that designed this, and then went on to do that, which became a big part of the city etc etc… instead of just, yeah some random dudes from a massive worldwide conglomerate did it and then went to lunch.

Comment by Age

I have to say… I agree with Lauren about the actual design. I think it sums up my city perfectly. Juanita, it’s in line with almost any building or public space thats been constructed in the last few years and is instantly Melbourne. I can see it working well.

I don’t agree with Lauren about who designed it because I think this is just as important as the product itself. The older I get the more value im starting to put on the overall “story” various things have. It’s about appreciating the process to a level where you can sit back and admire the added layers of meaning to something. What im saying is… in ten years time, i would much rather be able to say that this logo was crafted by Melburnians that were the same people that designed this, and then went on to do that, which became a big part of the city etc etc… instead of just, yeah some random dudes from a massive worldwide conglomerate did it and then went to lunch.

Anyways, have a nice holiday Rob. Nice to not be on a plane for work for once, eh?

Comment by Age

WTF, Safari fail. sorry!

Comment by Age

“appreciating the process” ?!

WTF. You need a new job buddy.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Depth and subtlety are important but if you don’t bring it out in the work the only people who can “appreciate the process” are the ones in the boardroom who heard the whole stroy not the normal people on the street who will just see a M that looks like some Swarovski cystal shit.
You going to buy me dinner when you’re here then Rob?

Comment by Billy Whizz

I actually dont see what’s wrong with “appreciating the process” that went into creating something of value, especially when this logo is supposed to represent my city (place and people).

Comment by Age

That’s exactly my point Billy (I think we’re agreeing) I would have prefered if there WAS a local story to tell about this logo apart from the Landor wank. That way the normal people COULD appreciate it. People are only hating on this because of the non-Melb design and the cost. Otherwise, they’d fucking love it. Hate to say it, but Aussies are stupid like that. If this exact idea was presented by a local studio, there would be no issue at all.

That’s what i meant about “process”

Comment by Age

Sucked in. 🙂

Comment by Billy Whizz

Just because you are trying to sound like Andy doesn’t mean you’ll be as talented as him Billy.

Whose sucked in now? LOL.

Comment by Bazza




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