The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


A Year Is A Long Time In Advertising …
December 21, 2009, 6:40 am
Filed under: Comment

So this is my last post of 2009 … consider it my gift to you.

If I look back on the previous 12 months, I would say it’s been a much better year for me personally than professionally – and whilst there’s nothing wrong with that, I’m a greedy bastard and want both sides of my life to be huge – however even though there were a few things that kept me interested and smiling [Victoria’s Secret anyone??], the last few months have seen us being handed quite a few mental/cool/mad projects, so I have real cause to be optimistic about 2010 … especially when things like Virgin Racing are now ‘live’ which helps justify my sense of optimism.

Anyway, I guess we’ll know for sure in approx 12 months so until then, let’s revisit a post I wrote a few weeks ago.

To ensure the festive season didn’t get too happy and optimistic, I asked people to join me in a mass personal character assassination.

I made a call for suggestions of questions that we would all have to answer – with the caveat being you could veto a maximum of 2 to ensure you weren’t thrown in prison or the dole queue.

Despite the fact absolutely no other bastard has agreed to do this – I will go against adman principles – and do as I said, so for your viewing/cringing pleasure, I now reveal the dark secrets of 2009 …
____________________________________________________________________

HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU EARN?

That is something just for me, my accountant and [possibly] my wife to know. VETO!

WHICH CLIENT DID YOU WORK WITH YOU FANCIED. OR HATED?

Well there was one client who I must admit, I found quite ‘visually’ appealing [and yes, it was a woman thank you very much] but not only does it go without saying that [1] it was only one way [2] if it wasn’t, I’d of gone running to Jill for protection and [3] my wife beats them all – except Angelina – I think it best if I move swiftly past that and concentrate on who I hated.

The only problem I have is that there wasn’t anyone I dealt with who I hated. Not one.

How terribly disappointing.

Saying that, there was one person who worked with a client of mine who I thought was an absolute cock of the highest order … and guess what, he worked for Landor!

I can’t remember his name [honest] but he was the one that said he had a proprietary tool for coming up with brand/product names and then proceeded to get upset when a week later, I pointed out that coming back to us with a choice of ONE THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED NAMES indicates his ‘proprietary tool’ was either not very good at filtering or basically just an online thesaurus.

This is also the gentleman that said he had a pricey tool to help companies decide where, on the outside of corporate headquarters, their signage should go [when the answer is surely ‘the top’??] and tried to claim that developing the brand personality [when their job was to help the client define the overall brand and business plan] was ‘out of scope’.

He was a total twat … but then to be fair, he got paid a hell of a lot more cash than we did … so I guess I should be pointing my hatred towards the client in question and myself. Bugger.

WHAT WAS THE SINGLE MOST DEVIOUS THING YOU DID AND TO WHOM?

I can’t really say what this is – mainly because it’s still in ‘action’ and the other party doesn’t realise it yet. But it’s worth it – at least to us. [ie: Me, Andy & George]

NAME THE MOST STUPID QUESTION YOU HAD FROM A CLIENT AND COLLEAGUE IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS?

My favourite is when a client complained about a slide I’d submitted for a presentation.

She said she didn’t understand the relevance of having some weird person in the picture and wanted something more corporate and obvious.

Sadly for her, the picture was of the founder and CEO of the company she worked for … someone who is almost universally known … and someone I was referring to with the slide.

I genuinely didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. In the end I laughed. At her.

DEFINE THE YEAR YOU’VE JUST HAD IN 3 OR LESS WORDS

Room for improvement.

DEFINE THE YEAR YOU HOPE TO HAVE NEXT YEAR IN 3 OR LESS WORDS

Arise Sir Campbell

SEEDIEST THING YOU’VE DONE ALL YEAR.

It depends on your definition of seedy … but there’s been a few … all professionally based, which kinda makes it sound even more pathetic.

I can tell you something silly though …

There is a particular person who I despise – mainly for what he has done to some good friends of mine rather than anything he has done directly to me – and I may of found myself in a situation where I was able to ‘borrow’ a couple of wheels off his office chair so he had to physically drag his sad and sorry ass around the office for a few days.

I tell you, if that did happen, it wouldn’t be big, or clever … but from what I understand was the reaction from the person-in-question … it was worth it.

Allegedly.

HOW MANY CLIENT FREEBIES DID YOU GET? ROB HAS TO INCLUDE VIRGIN FLIGHTS. TO THE NEAREST HUNDRED.

The flights/upgrades I get aren’t freebies … I just happen to be in the right place at the right time. Ahem.

Saying that, I did get the wonderful AC/DC @ Giant Stadium tickets – but as I then got bloody swine flu, I could argue it was a pretty shit gift.

So all things considered, I would say the best freebies I got in the last 12 months were either the Google phones, the opportunity to feed bears or the house. [in-joke for Andy and George there]

WHO DID YOU MOST OFTEN VISUALISE NAKED?

Me … because when I see the real thing it always ends in tears.

WHAT’S THE RUDEST THING YOU MUTTERED UNDER YOUR BREATH TO A CLIENT WHEN LEAVING THE ROOM/PUTTING THE PHONE DOWN?

I don’t tend to mutter it under my breath, but then I don’t tend to be rude – I just ask questions or point out certain things that get interpreted as being rude by insecure individuals.

Ahem.

Saying that, I did tell a creative to grow some fucking balls and stop being [his partners] doormat – so maybe that qualifies.

I should point out [can you sense the justification coming] I said this only after being subjected to months of passive aggressive provocation – passive aggressive provocation that was driven by their need to keep their fragile and minimally-justified egos in check.

BASED ON IDEAS, COMMENTS, PAYCHECK, WHO DID U LIKE MOST LAST YEAR:
[A] ROB? [B] ANDY? [C] GEORGE?

George. By a country mile. Ha.

FROM ANDY, HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU WISH YOU WERE ME?

Only when I visit the ATM.
____________________________________________________________________

Quite anti-climatic wasn’t it?

No wonder no one else did it – wish I hadn’t either – but at least I only played my veto on one question.

In the very, Very, VERY unlikely event someone else decides to answer the questions on their blog, let me know – I always like to compare how sad a bastard I am to others out there.

Anyway, moving swiftly on … I guess all that’s left to say for the year is thank you to all who checked out my rubbish and/or wrote an insightful/sarcastic comment and may you all have a toptastic festive season and 2010, just not as toptastic as mine.

Have fun, ta-ra …


26 Comments so far
Leave a comment

have you got no fucking shame campbell? do you actually want to be the cher of adland?

could write all sorts of shit about this post but one thing i cant fucking skate over is if i ever had to call you sir campbell i would fucking kill myself. right after killing you.

youre too fucking down on yourself campbell, even in your shittier years you still do more than most fuckers and youre near collecting a fucking pension but youre scary when youre full of fight so ill stick with you a bit longer just to get something back from this fucking relationship.

happy fucking christmas and new pissing year to all my fucking obsessed and devoted fans, my 2009/10 autographs are now available and for just $100 through paypal.

ill see the rest of you miserable fuckers here next year. will we ever fucking get some taste?

Comment by andy@cynic

What was the most self-indulgent post you wrote this year?

Comment by John

The story about the stupid question is brilliant, though I am slightly disappointed at the revelation you use slides rather than something slightly less standard – whether giant comics or naked rugby players adorned in body paint

Comment by Simon Kendrick

ask campbell about the presentation he made to some fucking 2 bit australian government department for youth issues simon. youll either be impressed or think hes about as tactful as cher at a wedding.

and i dont know why im talking about cher so fucking much either.

Comment by andy@cynic

@Andy.

Fans?

Hahahahahahahahaha! You got that from a Christmas cracker didn’t you Andy … that’s the only possible excuse isn’t it? Anyway thank you my son and see you in a few days – make sure it’s a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig pressie!

@John

Most indulgent post? What on earth are you trying to say, I’m more selfless that Mother Teresa – mind you, there’s quite a few stories about her being a more manipulative sod than Princess Diana so maybe I’ll just shut up and let you get on with the impending insult you are locked & loaded to give.

@Simon

Isn’t bringing prostitutes and criminals to pitch meetings enough for you Simon? Bloody hell, you’re hard to please – but I’ll work on it just for you next year. Deal?

@Andy [again]

It worked didn’t it.

Comment by Rob

You’ve become boring Rob.

Happy christmas blah blah blah.

PS) If this hot chick up for it, pass her my digits.

Comment by Billy Whizz

You’re right Billy … but given I turn 40 next year, you can be sure my mid-life crisis will kick in and I’ll be demonstrating a propensity for growing old disgracefully which should amuse you intensley.

As for whether my client is ‘up for it’, that’s something I don’t think I should publicise thank you very much, but even if she was – I don’t think telling her you have a 2″ digit would impress her very much. Ha.

Comment by Rob

The one question I wanted to see answered and you use some made up NATO veto claim. Fail.

Comment by DH

HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU EARN?

Veto

WHICH CLIENT DID YOU WORK WITH YOU FANCIED. OR HATED?

I’ve never fancied a client. I hated this cock of a client who took rudeness to a whole new level. I no longer have to work with him and he misses me “desperately”. Sap.

WHAT WAS THE SINGLE MOST DEVIOUS THING YOU DID AND TO WHOM?

Drew penises in a colleague’s notebook. Every week.

NAME THE MOST STUPID QUESTION YOU HAD FROM A CLIENT AND COLLEAGUE IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS?

Client: “That was the best creative presentation I’ve ever been in. Are you able to do a seventh concept that’s more rational, more like our Brand Power ad?”
Colleague: “Do you like working here?”

DEFINE THE YEAR YOU’VE JUST HAD IN 3 OR LESS WORDS

Juniper, ethanol, ice

DEFINE THE YEAR YOU HOPE TO HAVE NEXT YEAR IN 3 OR LESS WORDS

Smaller kooky shit

SEEDIEST THING YOU’VE DONE ALL YEAR.

Veto

HOW MANY CLIENT FREEBIES DID YOU GET? ROB HAS TO INCLUDE VIRGIN FLIGHTS. TO THE NEAREST HUNDRED.

A DSLR camera

WHO DID YOU MOST OFTEN VISUALISE NAKED?

Ron Jeremy

WHAT’S THE RUDEST THING YOU MUTTERED UNDER YOUR BREATH TO A CLIENT WHEN LEAVING THE ROOM/PUTTING THE PHONE DOWN?

Probably: “you’re a fucking wanker”

BASED ON IDEAS, COMMENTS, PAYCHECK, WHO DID U LIKE MOST LAST YEAR:
[A] ROB? [B] ANDY? [C] GEORGE?

Andy

FROM ANDY, HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU WISH YOU WERE ME?

Zero

Comment by Angus

Sir Campbell? That would be for services to British abvertising wouldn’t it?
(Mind you…Sir Sorrell)

Comment by northern

All hail Angus for taking part … now what’s holding the rest of you chickens back?

[Putting aside things like ‘salary’, ‘job’ and ‘career’]

And Mr NP, the chances of me being knighted for services to advertising are about as likely as you being made a life peer for services to hair. I was thinking it could be because of my adoration of Queen … which hopefully her majesty may mistake for her.

Maybe.

Comment by Rob

HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU EARN?

Less than Rob and more than Billy Mitchel

WHICH CLIENT DID YOU WORK WITH YOU FANCIED. OR HATED?

Hated brand director of ghd who swanned in straight from the 1980’s and thought he could run the brand like Kellogs or Quorn (he actually got out a picture of his work from Birds Custard from around 1981)
WHAT WAS THE SINGLE MOST DEVIOUS THING YOU DID AND TO WHOM?

Forgot to do a PO number for a researcher and blamed the suit when it came in after year end

NAME THE MOST STUPID QUESTION YOU HAD FROM A CLIENT AND COLLEAGUE IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS?

Have you heard the story about advertising being like tennis balls, answered yes, but not the one you’re going to give me, you’re assuming people are standing there with their hands ready in the first place
DEFINE THE YEAR YOU’VE JUST HAD IN 3 OR LESS WORDS

Baby sick, M62, Media Arts

DEFINE THE YEAR YOU HOPE TO HAVE NEXT YEAR IN 3 OR LESS WORDS

Lots more time

SEEDIEST THING YOU’VE DONE ALL YEAR.

Watched Youporn in a meeting

HOW MANY CLIENT FREEBIES DID YOU GET? ROB HAS TO INCLUDE VIRGIN FLIGHTS. TO THE NEAREST HUNDRED.

A purple ghd straightener and a few bottles of Original Source was my sum total
WHO DID YOU MOST OFTEN VISUALISE NAKED?

My wife of course

WHAT’S THE RUDEST THING YOU MUTTERED UNDER YOUR BREATH TO A CLIENT WHEN LEAVING THE ROOM/PUTTING THE PHONE DOWN?

Probably: “you’re a fucking wanker”

BASED ON IDEAS, COMMENTS, PAYCHECK, WHO DID U LIKE MOST LAST YEAR:
[A] ROB? [B] ANDY? [C] GEORGE?

Goerge for putting up with Rob and Andy – long suffering Dad?

FROM ANDY, HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU WISH YOU WERE ME?

Zero

Comment by northern

NP is my hero … especially for his GHD and Youporn stories – though let’s hope his lovely son doesn’t read this in a few years for the sake of family harmony. On the other hand, it makes him sound cool doesn’t it.

So what’s your excuse Auntie ‘butter wouldn’t melt in my mouth’ George?

Oh I know. Mary. 🙂

[Love you Mary!]

PS: Dear Andy, please don’t think NP’s meeting ‘distractions’ is some sort of competition you have to beat. [excuse the pun] You are not Neil French.

NP … you are my 2009 ad hero, which is possibly more of an insult than a compliment, but you are the one who turns meetings into one-dimensional orgies, ha!

Comment by Rob

you just passed the interview np, come and work for us, youre a fucking natural.

Comment by andy@cynic

Set an office in Northern England then.

Please don’t call me a cool, I just have a big mouth and a career threatening rebellious streak…

Comment by northern

I think that’s what he likes the most.

Comment by Rob

HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU EARN?
Far more than I received.

WHICH CLIENT DID YOU WORK WITH YOU FANCIED. OR HATED?

They know who they are.

WHAT WAS THE SINGLE MOST DEVIOUS THING YOU DID AND TO WHOM?

Cultivated an aura of expertise and insight.

NAME THE MOST STUPID QUESTION YOU HAD FROM A CLIENT AND COLLEAGUE IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS?

All questions that ended in the phrase “isnt it?”

DEFINE THE YEAR YOU’VE JUST HAD IN 3 OR LESS WORDS
Depressingly familiar.

DEFINE THE YEAR YOU HOPE TO HAVE NEXT YEAR IN 3 OR LESS WORDS

Andy’s

SEEDIEST THING YOU’VE DONE ALL YEAR.

Reading about NP’s use of youporn.

HOW MANY CLIENT FREEBIES DID YOU GET? ROB HAS TO INCLUDE VIRGIN FLIGHTS. TO THE NEAREST HUNDRED.

Still waiting Lee.

WHO DID YOU MOST OFTEN VISUALISE NAKED?

They know who they are.

WHAT’S THE RUDEST THING YOU MUTTERED UNDER YOUR BREATH TO A CLIENT WHEN LEAVING THE ROOM/PUTTING THE PHONE DOWN?

An accurate assessment of their lack of character, insight and intelligence.

BASED ON IDEAS, COMMENTS, PAYCHECK, WHO DID U LIKE MOST LAST YEAR:
[A] ROB? [B] ANDY? [C] GEORGE?

I didnt get where I am today without spotting a trick question.

FROM ANDY, HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU WISH YOU WERE ME?

I could never be you.

Comment by John

Great stuff Rob and hilarious input by everyone.
Here’s mine…

HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU EARN?
Less than enough.

WHICH CLIENT DID YOU WORK WITH YOU FANCIED. OR HATED?
Hrmmm, there was one that I thought looked like a much sluttier version of Denise Richards…
As for hated, all I’ll say is there was one that failed to brief us properly on what her superiors were expecting from a big briefing and then when she got smashed by her boss (during the meeting!) about not delivering what was expected, made her herself feel better by writing a long-ass email to everyone the day after with individuals (including me) as subheadings that highlighting how WE each had fucked up. Not cool you bitchface.

WHAT WAS THE SINGLE MOST DEVIOUS THING YOU DID AND TO WHOM?
Rob, all I’ll say here is “Lesley”.

NAME THE MOST STUPID QUESTION YOU HAD FROM A CLIENT AND COLLEAGUE IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS?
Looking at hand drawn storyboards…
“The final versions will be photographs though, right?”

DEFINE THE YEAR YOU’VE JUST HAD IN 3 OR LESS WORDS
standard restless anticipation

DEFINE THE YEAR YOU HOPE TO HAVE NEXT YEAR IN 3 OR LESS WORDS
some inner peace

SEEDIEST THING YOU’VE DONE ALL YEAR.
It involves New York City, Soho, A Smirnoff Vodka party with free drinks, an East Village dive bar, spewing and waking up in a loft apartment in DUMBO, Brooklyn… not alone 😉

HOW MANY CLIENT FREEBIES DID YOU GET? ROB HAS TO INCLUDE VIRGIN FLIGHTS. TO THE NEAREST HUNDRED.
Sweet fuck all. Though I got to drive fast in a few unreleased cars on secure track which was rad.

WHO DID YOU MOST OFTEN VISUALISE NAKED?
Whoever was on the front of the free Zoo Mag every week…

WHAT’S THE RUDEST THING YOU MUTTERED UNDER YOUR BREATH TO A CLIENT WHEN LEAVING THE ROOM/PUTTING THE PHONE DOWN?
“Is this dumb c___ for real?”

BASED ON IDEAS, COMMENTS, PAYCHECK, WHO DID U LIKE MOST LAST YEAR:
[A] ROB? [B] ANDY? [C] GEORGE?
Sorry Rob but I have to say, Andy. Mainly for his ability to change the mood of a post with a single, venom filled comment.

FROM ANDY, HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU WISH YOU WERE ME?
The twelve times I opened my shitty pay slip.

Ok… have a great Christmas and new years everyone. ciao

Comment by Age

Finally people are coming to the party … and I have to say, I am enjoying reading this very much … hell, if this wasn’t [supposidly] my blog I think I’d actually come here for this.

And for the record, when I told our Financial Director John’s answer to “how much have you earned this year”, he [scarily] laughed like a nutter.

Comment by Rob

HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU EARN?
based on currency and tax system, it fluctuates between 175000 and 175

WHICH CLIENT DID YOU WORK WITH YOU FANCIED. OR HATED?
Non. when tricking it is best to leave emotions at the door.

WHAT WAS THE SINGLE MOST DEVIOUS THING YOU DID AND TO WHOM?
the women who read this blog would truly never forgive me. veto

NAME THE MOST STUPID QUESTION YOU HAD FROM A CLIENT AND COLLEAGUE IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS?
“lunch is on you, right”?

DEFINE THE YEAR YOU’VE JUST HAD IN 3 OR LESS WORDS
George Best

DEFINE THE YEAR YOU HOPE TO HAVE NEXT YEAR IN 3 OR LESS WORDS
George Washington

SEEDIEST THING YOU’VE DONE ALL YEAR.
the women who read this blog would truly never forgive me. veto

HOW MANY CLIENT FREEBIES DID YOU GET? ROB HAS TO INCLUDE VIRGIN FLIGHTS. TO THE NEAREST HUNDRED.
don’t accept freebies. those get you killed faster than a bullet.

WHO DID YOU MOST OFTEN VISUALISE NAKED?
there was this lady who comes to this blog.’nough said.

WHAT’S THE RUDEST THING YOU MUTTERED UNDER YOUR BREATH TO A CLIENT WHEN LEAVING THE ROOM/PUTTING THE PHONE DOWN?
mazel tov. in the context of his culture, client was not happy to put it mildly.

BASED ON IDEAS, COMMENTS, PAYCHECK, WHO DID U LIKE MOST LAST YEAR:
[A] ROB? [B] ANDY? [C] GEORGE?

Rob.

FROM ANDY, HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU WISH YOU WERE ME?
once.

Comment by niko

HOW MUCH MONEY DID YOU EARN?
Not as much as Andy’s would be after tax, ex wives and porn.

WHICH CLIENT DID YOU WORK WITH YOU FANCIED. OR HATED?
Surprisingly none of them.

WHAT WAS THE SINGLE MOST DEVIOUS THING YOU DID AND TO WHOM?
Possibly creating a brand diagram of a creative colleague. Nothing too bad… though I did get several unbelievable ROB! moments from Stew (another creative)

NAME THE MOST STUPID QUESTION YOU HAD FROM A CLIENT AND COLLEAGUE IN THE LAST 12 MONTHS?
Haha. If I say it they will know it’s them so I can’t.

DEFINE THE YEAR YOU’VE JUST HAD IN 3 OR LESS WORDS
Interesting, learning, developing

DEFINE THE YEAR YOU HOPE TO HAVE NEXT YEAR IN 3 OR LESS WORDS
Ditto, more cash!

SEEDIEST THING YOU’VE DONE ALL YEAR.
Not much really. I know that’s a shit answer but it’s honest!

HOW MANY CLIENT FREEBIES DID YOU GET? ROB HAS TO INCLUDE VIRGIN FLIGHTS. TO THE NEAREST HUNDRED.
Bar tickets to the Gadget Show live and a few bits of tasty food not very much.

WHO DID YOU MOST OFTEN VISUALISE NAKED?
My lovely wife

WHAT’S THE RUDEST THING YOU MUTTERED UNDER YOUR BREATH TO A CLIENT WHEN LEAVING THE ROOM/PUTTING THE PHONE DOWN?
Not a client, but “For fucks sake!”
A good one a guy at a company we work with said was “If he mentioned that one more time I was going to punch him”

BASED ON IDEAS, COMMENTS, PAYCHECK, WHO DID U LIKE MOST LAST YEAR:
[A] ROB? [B] ANDY? [C] GEORGE?
Ideas – Rob, everything else Andy. He reined supreme with some fantastically cutting wit.

FROM ANDY, HOW MANY TIMES DID YOU WISH YOU WERE ME?
Every time I see my bank balance.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

youve done yourselves proud with your fucked up depravity. merry fucking christmas perverts and villains

Comment by andy@cynic

You missed ‘from’ there Andy…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

It’s a sad day when you have to choose between those 2 character assessments Mr M, but I’ll go with ‘pervert’ please. Ha.

Comment by Rob

Happy new year to you all. And no, I didn’t read the post.

Comment by Marcus

Wise choice if I may say so …

Comment by Rob




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