The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


Everything’s Bigger In America …
December 16, 2010, 11:51 am
Filed under: Comment

Obesity.
Contributor to environmental damage.
Debt.
Oil use.
War instigator.
Prejudice.
And this …

As sad people who have followed this blog for a long time, I’ve often posted photos of the burgers I have in hotels but whilst others have been tastier, quicker to be delivered and more attractive … I’ve never had one that had so much stuff shoved into the bun and surrounded by so many bloody fries.

Unlike that scene in Michael Douglas movie “Falling Down” … the one where he pulls out a gun to threaten staff when the burger he gets looks nothing like the burger on the menu … this was totally the opposite.

The burger I got looked EXACTLY like the one on the menu except – and it’s a BIIIIIIG except – instead of the bun being filled full of meat, this one was boosted with tomatoes, onion, mushroom, lettuce, cheese and bacon.

Now there’s nothing wrong with that whatsoever, however when the actual size of the meat patty is so small even Posh Spice wouldn’t be filled, it shows the dramatic decline in America’s values and standards.

Hell, they even called the 7,361,239 fries, FRENCH Fries … where’s the ‘Freedom Fries’ bollocks gone?

You know America’s hurting when they even let the Frogs off the hook.

Anyway, I’m off out to go and get mugged in the Portland rain [though everyone I’ve met so far is carefully avoiding any eye contact because they think I’m some kind of nutter, probably due to my insistence of wearing Birkenstocks even though it’s rather cold] so until next time, have a top one.

Oh, and for those of you that were wondering, the answer is …

Buuuuuuuuuuurp!

PS: And for the record, you can keep your comments about the inaccuracies of my opening paragraph, to yourself.



Through Another Persons Eyes …
December 15, 2010, 6:15 am
Filed under: Comment

I know I said I wasn’t going to be writing any more posts till I’m back from Portland, but I saw this and had to write about it because it’s simply bloody stunning.

Of course I won’t know what you think because as you check it out, I’ll be – unless there is an incident I don’t even want to think about – 38,000 feet in the air but that is the joy of pre-writing stuff, I can be here even when I’m not.

Don’t worry, there’s no more after this.

Anyway, watch it on full screen, especially if you have a high-def monitor.

Oh, it also shows British surfers are made of much tougher stuff than those tanned, white-teethed Yankee bastards. Ha.



Don’t Mistake Big Words For Cleverness …
December 14, 2010, 6:09 am
Filed under: Comment

Not Elton John.

So I’m buggering off to Portland and while it’ll be nice to visit the Mecca of W+K, the reason I’m the most excited is that I get to meet Paul Colman.

I know … I know … of all the people who are there, the person I’m most looking forward to be meeting is a Brit who resides in London – but I am and I’ll tell you why.

I’ve known Paul – or known of Paul – for quite a few years through the usual blog bollocks interaction.

Whilst we’ve had the odd disagreement over things – mainly Marcus and his paintings, ha – I’ve always enjoyed reading/following his thoughts because he has an ability to convey stuff – silly, interesting or brilliant stuff – in such a humouress and relevant way that it’s impossible not to like him.

Seriously, I wish I had that talent and yet he seems to be able to do it in his sleep.

Bastard.

Saying that, judging by what he’s writing about these days – not to mention how he’s writing it – it would appear he is entering a place that is making him truly happy.

I should point out I’m not saying he was unhappy previously – as I said, I’ve never met him so this is pure conjecture on my part – however it just feels he is happier in his life at the moment and that’s lovely to see … though I should point out if being happy results in renovating a kitchen [as he is currently doing], then I think I’d rather stick with being a cynical and miserable old bastard – though I wouldn’t say no if it meant getting something like his bloody lovely pooch.

Anyway, this is all theory, we’ll see if I’m right when I finally meet him on Wednesday, ha.

But to the point of this post …

You see, while Paul is relatively well known, I don’t think he gets the credit he deserves.

I might be wrong, but while I hear certain planners names being banded about like they’re fucking Jesus, I rarely hear Paul mentioned in those terms and that pisses me off a bit.

I’m not saying the Jesus-planners aren’t deserving of their praise [though I don’t think all of them are] however Paul has – and continues to do – a shitload of stuff that really makes a difference to clients [& W+K] and yet he tends to get overlooked in favour of certain guys who play the publicity game, rather than do the work that makes the difference.

To be honest, there’s a lot of people like this at W+K [I, obviously, am not one of them] but I do find it interesting that in Heather’s planning survey, the agency that people thought did some of the best work is W+K and yet the people who played a significant part in making that work happen often don’t tend to get as much credit/praise as they deserve.

To be fair, they are probably quite happy about this – especially now I’ve undermined their [and their agencies] cred by becoming one of their colleagues – however I wish more planners looked to the guys who did the work they like, rather than just follow those who give the soundbites that get the coverage.

No posts till I’m back … which means you probably only have to endure a couple more till Christmas. Is this year ending on a high for you lot or what!!!



What The Hidden Camera In The Marketing Boardroom Spied …
December 13, 2010, 6:35 am
Filed under: Crap Marketing Ideas From History!

Open on an non-descript boardroom, somewhere in he middle of nowhere.

Sales Manager: “What are we going to do, our Cheez-It Party Mix just isn’t selling!”

Brand Consultant: “Have you tried replacing the ‘S’ of Cheese with a ‘Z’ to get down with the kids?”

Sales Manager: “Of course we have, we’re a cutting edge, feel good, party brand … but it’s still not working. WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?”

Brand Consultant: “Don’t worry dear client, at IntergalaticBrand we pride ourselves on finding the most innovative, effective and brand-centric solution to any marketing problem, so for the extremely competitive price of just 3 million US dollars [cash up front] we will use our proprietary tools and methodology to find the right solution FOR YOU …”

Sales Manager: “3 million you say? That seems pretty good value to me. Do it.”

S
I
X

M
O
N
T
H
S

L
A
T
E
R

Brand Consultant: “Hello.”

Sales Manager: “Hello. What have you got for me?”

Brand Consultant: “Well we’re really excited to be here today because we have found the solution that will put ‘Cheez-It Party Mix’ back on the map.”

Sales Manager: “Wonderful, wonderful … tell me more.”

Brand Consultant: “Well after a deep dive into the category and utilising our proprietary tools and services, we identified where your brand was failing to connect with consumers and after months of rigorous creative development and research, we would like to present to you the future of Cheez-It …”

Sales Manager: “Let me see if I’ve got this right. You’ve changed ‘Party Mix’ to ‘Snack Mix’ using one of the worst fonts in Microsoft Word and then, to reiterate the change that people may not notice and certainly won’t care about, you’ve put the old name in the top right hand corner so it seems like we’ve made a major change to the product when in reality, we haven’t. Is that correct?

Brand Consultant: “That’s exactly what we’ve done, you’re one smart client. We used our proprietary ‘illusion of advancement’ tool or -‘pisstake’ for short – to create a new name that means people won’t see your brand purely as a product that should be consumed at party times, but any time they fancy a snack … and after our research showed the inflation rate of snacking currently running at 68.932%, we know this is the strategy to move your brand to the top where it belongs.”

Sales Manager: “That is brilliant. BRILLIANT. And all for just US$3 million? How on earth do you do it?”

Brand Consultant: “We’re here to make the World of business a better, happier place. Now if you could just sign our expenses sheet of US$2 million, we’ll be on our way because we know you’ve got a flood of sales to manage.”

Sales Manager: “Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!”

Brand Consultant: “HA HA HA HA!”



And The Winner Is …
December 10, 2010, 6:30 am
Filed under: Comment

So after one of the most memorable trips – for all the wrong reasons – I’m back.

Did you miss me?

OK, let’s not go there …

So on Monday, I asked which food was the best food in a Christmas meal.

After a tight race, it would appear the winner is: Custard.

CUSTARD!!

Fuck me, how pathetic.

Seriously, is that really the food group that makes a meal, a Christmas meal?

I don’t know about you, but I’m quite disappointed with that – almost as disappointed by the fact bread sauce got some votes whereas poor ol’ peas, carrots, boiled spuds, parsnips and cranberry sauce were the Norway of the Eurovision Song Contest with nil points. Fucking outrageous if you ask me.

So to those who voted for Custard, congratulations – even with your under-the-table dirty tactics you have ensured that from now on, at Christmas, we will all bow down to the serving of custard but let me tell you this, I hope to fuck you never invite me over for Christmas dinner, but then I don’t suppose I have to worry about that do I?!

Bastards.