The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


Sometimes You Don’t Need To Read Between The Lines To Know What’s Being Said Is Bollocks …
January 21, 2011, 6:22 am
Filed under: Comment

So last week I was in a café and saw this:

Yep, yummy extra fresh Brittany oysters.

Well it would be yummy if it wasn’t for the fact:

1/ I’m allergic to all seafood.
2/ I was in Shanghai at the time … so I’m not exactly sure how they can be classed as extra fresh in the first place.

Actually what the hell does extra fresh even mean?

If getting oysters straight from the sea is generally classed as ‘fresh’, does ‘extra fresh’ mean you get them in your mouth before they’re even created?

Seriously, this is the sort of nonsensical descriptor that does my head in, but at least it came from some dodgy restaurant in Shanghai rather than a mega-brand that pays lots of people lots and lots of money to be drive sales and loyalty.


53 Comments so far
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first of all congratufuckinglations on writing a shorter post than usual so we get bored about 50 fucking percent less than normal. its about fucking time but very well fucking received.

you forgot to add something to the title of this post though. it should also say (unless you read this blog where the bollocks jump right at you from the page) but who am i to fucking diss you when the shortness of this post has stopped me having to rush to the bathroom to have a giant shit.

then i do think for once you have written something with a message between the lines and that message is you had fuck all to write about so took the piss out of a small cafe in china and their english menu writing skills. who the fuck do you think you are, sarah fucking palin. lets see your chinese writing skills in chef campbells fucking menu and see who makes the bigger fuck up.

racist. and bastard.

semi good post.

Comment by andy@cynic

I do sound a bit of a douchebag don’t I by taking the piss out of that menu … but I think you’ll be more understanding when I say that while the cafe was in Shanghai, the owner was 100% pure French, and whilst that means his native language was also not English … the fact he’s French means any kicking is more than justified.

Oh, and your comment is longer than my post. Just thought I’d point that out.

Comment by Rob

why the fuck didnt you say that you prick. thats good then. keep on kicking the fuckers or if you want to be a real bastard you could introduce them to some fucking mouthwash.

Comment by andy@cynic

So, to clarify, Andy has given Rob a semi?

Comment by Simon Kendrick

and let me clarify, simon likes eating liquidised food through a fucking straw. just thinking campbell could stimulate someone to smile is a criminal offence. anything else is a sign of being a fucking mental. youre better than that simon, but then you do visit this shit hole.

Comment by andy@cynic

Wouldn’t that be him giving you a semi? Has the mere hint of the flesh behind the birkenstocks stirred up some suppressed memories?

Comment by Simon Kendrick

i was young and i needed the fucking money. if you sell that to us weekly youre fucking dead.

Comment by andy@cynic

I am offended to my core … but getting people turned on is just a sad byproduct of my devastating wit and handsome features.

Comment by Rob

you couldnt turn on fucking christmas lights.

Comment by andy@cynic

dear simon, i’m sure your intentions are honourable. but, for the love of god, please don’t make us all vomit before breakfast at the thought of either rob or andy, with a hard-on over each other. love, lauren.

Comment by lauren

campbell i can fucking understand, but the thought of me with a hard on makes you sick? from a woman who married doddsy. freak.

Comment by andy@cynic

Lauren, with all due respect(and I’m having a hard time measuring that right now) by all means conjure up whatever foul, disgusting images your creative mind can manufacture about the author of this blog, but leave my son out of it.
Ciaran

Comment by Ciaran McCabe

you’re both freaks.

Comment by lauren

am i your son or doddsy? come on gramps, spill the fucking beans.

(if its me, i want 4 decades of fucking pocket money. with interest)

Comment by andy@cynic

The implication is that it’s SK.

Comment by John

fuck you really read this shit closely dont you doddsy.

Comment by andy@cynic

Not Campbell’s stuff.

Comment by John

Fabricated post – you only look at dessert menus.

Comment by John

good fucking point dodds. though if hes with a client hell look at the mains to try and appear sophisticated even though hes in birkenfuckingstocks. or he used to be till he sold out to converse.

do you know when we were talking to wpp a few fucking years ago, at the first fucking lunch we had together to sound each other out, the twat ordered bread & butter pudding as his main. as his fucking main. he said everything else on the menu was too fucking poncey and he hadnt had b&b pudding for fucking ages. and they still signed us up. takes a twat to like a twat.

Comment by andy@cynic

You’re focusing on food when Ciaran has dropped that bombshell? Your ability to stay on subject is unequalled and is clearly why you were lauded by clients and colleagues alike.

Comment by John

i dont have any fucking clients anymore. campbell destroyed that for me. wanker.

Comment by andy@cynic

I don’t regret it for one second Andy – even if the custard wasn’t like you get back home.

Comment by Rob

yeah campbell, walk past the destruction of my dreams and go straight to talking about fucking custard.

Comment by andy@cynic

Custard over friendship. That’s Campbell.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Strictly speaking, custard over anything to do with Andy’s happiness.

Comment by Rob

Jill must be so happy he is allergic to that extra fresh food viagra.
Every day they don’t announce Jill’s pregnant is another day she shows us the value of a taser gun.

Comment by Billy Whizz

jill should be times person of the year, not that facebook fuck.

Comment by andy@cynic

You mean she doesn’t spend the night locked in the bathroom because she’s doing her nails like she tells me????

Comment by Rob

What does your planning brain say about the oysters being the only item on the menu that is written in English?

Comment by Lee Hill

You’re not as sharp as you think you are … Niko said basically the same thing to me in an email this morning. Of course, this also proves that the person who does something about something is better than the person who just thinks about it.

Now there’s a lesson for us all. Especially Niko. 🙂

Comment by Rob

what if “brittany oysters” is code and it means theyre selling the eggs from that haggard has been pop star?

from what i read you can buy kidneys and livers on the black market so why not eggs? just call me investigative journalist.

Comment by andy@cynic

More proof that drugs are bad for you …

Comment by Rob

That could be the scariest comment you’ve ever written Andy.

Comment by DH

andy has a dad? that makes him mortal.

Comment by Marcus

In the same way Jesus has one.

Actually he kind-of has 2 doesn’t he … bang goes that theory.

Comment by Rob

To shaken by the comments to write anything

Comment by northern

it’s all going wrong.

Comment by Marcus

Not my fault. Never is …

Comment by Rob

Why were you in a Seafood restaurant if you don’t like seafood?

OK. I’m only kidding and I can’t comment on your latest post (though I have voted) urging you to talk deviant so I’m going to try and help out here because an Aussie chef here in Bangkok became famous by bringing in Oysters and I realised that he was guaranteeing freshness.

You wont think this way but seafood lovers like me…well if it’s fishy I’m still game but you get my point, well we worry that old seafood (depreciating capital) will get served so what this says is “don’t worry, we don’t serve up salmonella”….well that’s my tuppence worth.

I have no idea how you run this blog and keep an eye on the peoples republic too. You’re everywhere 😉

Comment by Charles Frith

Hi matey – nice to have you pop by, how the hell are you.

I do get the issue about seafood and freshness, hell in China that’s an issue with a lot of things – but I just find the term “extra fresh” complete bollocks, but then I noticed it and by TBWA’s definition, that’s all that matters doesn’t it.

As for how I keep this blog up while do my job? Have you read the rubbish I spout – only takes a few mins to knock up.

Comment by Rob

All is good mate. This will sound odd but I’ve had a mini revelation. i.e. One of those semi mystical ‘it can’t be true moments’. I cant wait to tell you about it next time we meet but you will both love it and piss yourself laughing. It’s religious too. Pure theological revelation. Happened only yesterday while I was inhaling the internet. Lots of little threads suddenly came together but unlike my last scheme I’ve actually slept on this one and it’s still true. Till then mate.

Comment by Charles Frith

You fucking prick teaser. Can’t wait …

Comment by Rob

I would like to suggest you speak on “Why snow stopped me wearing ridiculous sandals after 15 years and what brands can learn from that.”

Comment by John

alright who voted for the talk that started with the word ‘brands…’?

Comment by lauren

who voted for any of the fuckers? listening to a whining brummie bitch to a thick taffy would be less fucking painful on the ears than 2 minutes hearing campbell spout planning wank nonsense. get a fucking grip people and stop encouraging him.

Comment by andy@cynic

I voted for something that had ‘devious’ in it

Comment by andrea

The vote is irrelevant – the talk will be the same whatever the title.

Comment by John

What is scary for me – and very scary for you – is you’re the only one who has realised this.

Comment by Rob

Incidentally, the tech wizard may have disabled comments on his post, but you can still add comments on the poll site.

Comment by John

Papyrus. PAPYRUS!!!

Comment by andrea

I’m very fond of you girls. You’re very funny.

Comment by Charles Frith

It is freshly shipped from France. If you’ve spoken to the waiter you’ll find out very interesting things that goes on behind these oysters 😉

Comment by Charinee

You can’t leave us hanging like that Charinee. Give us the skinny please 🙂

Comment by Charles Frith




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