The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


15 Ways To Tell Whether Your Planner Is A Potential Danger To Your Business …
May 4, 2011, 6:05 am
Filed under: Comment

Today we will focus on the ‘intellectual’ variety of the planner species.

1/ Every sentence they say or write includes a percentage. To 2 decimal points.

2/ They use 68 words when 10 will do.

3/ Studies have shown that 78% of those words are ‘corporate talk’ and 22% are whatever was featured on a ‘word of the day’ site.

4/ Every reference they use comes from a management book or a business magazine … but certainly not from their personal experience.

5/ Their powerpoint slides are filled with words [in size 10 font]

6/ Or occasionally a clipart pic.

7/ And every presentation starts with a quote … either from a dictionary, a spiritual leader or a business god.

8/ Then when they present it, they make sure they read every single word on the screen. EVERY. BLOODY. WORD.

9/ They mention their companies proprietary tool about 10,000 times and act like it is God.

10/ They always go over their allotted time.

11/ They are always as quiet as a mouse when creative work is being presented.

12/ They only rate people who have an MBA or went to their university – which you can be sure is dropped into the conversation at every opportunity.

13/ If the meeting goes over lunch, they will immediately make a beeline to sit next to whoever is the most important person in the room.

14/ Their knowledge of people’s attitudes, values and behaviours comes exclusively from google or research reports and they don’t even appear embarrassed by that fact.

15/ They genuinely believe they are the smartest person in the room … exemplified by their condescending views and remarks on the habits and beliefs of the masses, covering everything from their inferior choice of wine and cheese through to their naive views on who the best investment analysts and houses are.

If you recognise any of these traits in yourself – or someone you know – act swiftly and decisively because quite frankly, adland is going to give you the shits and you’re going to give adand a headache, and an even worse name.


68 Comments so far
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16. they can’t count. (Emily)

Comment by DH

Am I missing something here?

Comment by Rob

Life.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Or spehl.

Comment by Emily

Why is it called clip art? It’s not art, it’s crap.

Using the word art is like adland using the word craft, both designed to make them feel better about not being as good as they like to pretend they are.

Comment by DH

That explains why they call it strategic planning then.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Sadly, that’s a very good point Billy.

Comment by Rob

Look at #2 Rob, then look at 99.987% of your blog posts. Pot. Kettle. Black.

Comment by DH

Errrrr have you seen #1 dave?

Comment by Billy Whizz

I used 3 decimal points. Totally different.

Comment by DH

I hate falling at the 15th hurdle.

Comment by John

You understand grammar John so you are the smartest man in the room.

Comment by DH

And Anjali is the smartest woman.

Comment by DH

Life must be so difficult for you John.

Comment by Rob

I was saying I was guilty of #15.

Comment by John

We know.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Its so hard to tell.

Comment by John

I’ve seen w+k presentations, they’re definitely guilty of #5. Every presentation you do must be like nails down a blackboard for them.

Comment by DH

I am happy to say that I only recognise 2 of those traits in me. I must be getting better.
That aside, this is a much more serious post than many may first realise with each of the 15 points being ones to watch out for.
Good work Robert.

Comment by George

#7 #10

Comment by DH

Definitely #7 and #10 with #13 and #15 sometimes creeping in.

Comment by Bazza

I beg your forgiveness.

Comment by George

We’re deliberating.

Comment by DH

Oh my god, you are the living embodiment of #7 and #10 – but like Baz, I’ve seem more than your fair share of #13 and #15 but I think you’re better now. Emphasis on ‘think’.

Comment by Rob

Hahaha … that’s funny because it’s so bloody true … both their obsession with 10 point font on presentation slides and my complete distain and avoidance of them.

Comment by Rob

You say this post is about the “intellectual” variety of planner but it could also be sold as the O&M variety of planner.

Comment by Bazza

You can tell how long it’s been since you were in the ad industry Baz, they’ve got rid of the m so it’s now just the snappy o.

Comment by DH

So they’re like the mighty oprah, just very, very white?

Comment by Billy Whizz

You said yesterday you’d mastered the Andy style retort (copyright) and I said I doubted you. I was wrong.

Comment by DH

Bow to my brilliance.

Comment by Billy Whizz

I must – and hate – to admit, the “very, very white” comment is very funny. Mainly because it’s true. Well done Billy, Andy will be proud. Probably a bit underwhelmed, but proud.

Comment by Rob

And the Mindsahare variety

Comment by northern

They’re a breed all to themselves aren’t they NP.

Comment by Rob

George has already said it, but if anyone reads this post and thinks its tongue in cheek, they’re missing the point. There’s 15 very good points here that can help you become a better presenter, planner and colleague.

Comment by Pete

#17 planners repeat what someone else has just said but secretly think their way is better.

Comment by Billy Whizz

You are officially on fire Billy.

Comment by DH

I beg your forgiveness.

Comment by Pete

I see what you did there. Almost funny.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Like old times. Just with less swearing.

[But that will be back on Monday apparently]

Comment by Rob

I wouldn’t mind some of these qualities actually..

Comment by niko

Pervert.

Comment by Billy Whizz

George and Pete are right of course. And while most of the traits seem to me to be so cliched that nobody would entertain them, we all know that many people still do – especially the reading all the words on the slide one.

I’m reminded of paying good money last year to see one of the international presentation gurus speak. His books and ideas are terrific. His presentation was beyond appalling.

Comment by John

Should I ask who or do I know who?

And sadly John, the point about ‘reading all the words on the slide’ is not the only cliche that is still in existence, the 15 I highlighted are all alive and well and actually being taught to people – despite the fact there is almost universal acknowledgement they detract rather than attract.

Comment by Rob

I witnessed a presentation last Thursday that was a mass of points #1-#10.

Comment by George

Was that when you practiced your presentation in the mirror?

Comment by Billy Whizz

Good God Rob you are guilty of all these.

Comment by Britton

Britton 1. Campbell 0.

Comment by Billy Whizz

This from a man that has taken 3 years and countless presentations to make one campaign. Ha.

Comment by Rob

And his name is Britton.
Britton 1. Campbell 2.

Comment by Billy Whizz

In Britton and my defense, I would argue Robert has definitely had a touch of the #13 and #15 in his time.

Comment by George

Especially when #13 and #15 are on the dessert menu.

Comment by John

You know him too well.

Comment by Billy Whizz

i haven’t laughed quite this hard before 10am in fucking ages. you’re all stars.

and rob, you know how much i hate that you call these traits ‘intellectual’. intellect has nothing to do with a lack of open-minded, creative or empathetic impulse.

Comment by lauren

And they say americans don’t get irony.

Comment by DH

Good point Dave. Lauren, do you honestly think I am saying these people really are intellectual?

I’ll remind you what my Dad used to always say to me.

If someone has to continually demonstrate how smart they are to others, they’re basically proving they’re not that smart at all.

Comment by Rob

you’re right. i should have actually thought about it for 5 seconds.

Comment by lauren

I printed it out and sticker on my desk this morning. After the meeting just now, it disappers…

Comment by Thomas

Nice, sort of like a fun check list to sit with, when in the audience, while others present!Evaluation …hmmm

Comment by bhaskar

Your Dad was right.

Comment by Carol L. Weinfeld

Unfortunately for me, he always was.

Comment by Rob

I would hate to work with that person… they are better suited to The Apprentice (Aka ‘Which unlikeable bullshit spouting wanker can get hired by a creative-free organisation run by an irritating hard-sell salesman’)

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Don’t forget planner who did something great once, or worked for a cool agency once (or claims to)and mentions it in every single meeting – when I worked on Nike, when I worked at Mother..etc etc
The fact they can’t reproduce the old magic is every one elses fault…

Comment by northern

An old colleague of mine once said that if you can’t talk about something great you have been part of at every one of your jobs, you’re someone who got lucky, not someone who is good.

I don’t think he realised it at the time, but it was some of the best advice I’ve ever heard and separates the hype from the realty.

Comment by Rob

I am obviously in the former group. Bugger.

Comment by Rob

I wasn’t referencing you…

Comment by northern

I know – or at least I hoped you weren’t – I was referencing me. On behalf of Andy. Ha.

Comment by Rob

Careful Rob, you’re outdoing Billy in Andy impression.

Comment by DH

if theyre called a fucking planner, theyre a danger to your fucking health and your fucking business.

Comment by andy@cynic




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