The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


I’m Baaaaaaaaaaaaack ….
October 11, 2011, 6:00 am
Filed under: Comment

WARNING FOR MY MUM:

HI MUM, IF YOU COME ACROSS THIS POST, PLEASE DO NOT READ IT.

I’M SERIOUS … TURN AWAY, THERE IS NOTHING TO SEE HERE.

PROMISE?

GOOD.

LOVE YOU, SPEAK VERY SOON.
_______________________________________________________________

Hello ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls … how are you today?

I had a lovely holiday thanks for not asking.

So as we enter the final quarter of 2011, I was hoping I’d end the year on a stream of highs and then I saw this:

Now to you it might look like an innocuous headline, however to me, it brings out my immature side – a side that you’ll be shocked to learn, lies just beneath my surface.

To understand why, you have to come on a journey with me, one that starts 7 years in the past …

Jill and I had just started going out when she turned to me and said,

“Do you know what space docking is?”

I said no to which she said I should try and guess.

I asked for a clue and she said – to my delight – it was something “sexual”.

Sadly, after a number of guesses I still hadn’t got the answer so I asked her to tell me.

“Well …” she said, “… it’s where a man shits into a condom [don’t ask], puts it in the freezer and then anally penetrates their lover with it once it’s frozen”.

Now I’m no prude, however I went as white as a sheet and nearly ran to the nearest police station to declare I was in the presence of a fucking sicko … however when she saw my reaction, she burst out laughing [LAUGHING!!!!] and told me not to worry because it was simply what her ultra-gay friend, Glen, had told her he did.

I’ve had many conversations in my time … I’ve talked about things that few may ever get round to discussing … however I’ve never, ever, ever discussed freezing my shit and doing someone up the arse with it. Ever.

Not with my straight, gay, twisted or just plain deviant [that’s you Jimbo!] friends.

NEVER.

EVER.

And yet I was kind of fascinated about ‘space docking’ … not from a practical sense, but in more of a where the hell does someone think of something like that?

It’s a bit like when I was a kid and people said if you had mag wheels on your BMX and they got buckled, if you put them in the freezer, they’d sort themselves out.

Or if you spill red wine on your parents carpet, you should shove a fuckload of salt on it and the stain will come out.

How the hell does someone discover that?

I mean, who was the first BMX rider to go …

“Oh fuck, I’ve buckled my wheel. I wonder what would happen if I put it in Mum and Dad’s deep freeze? Bugger me, it’s fixed it!”

OK, so Glen was an ‘interesting character’.

Jill told me one story about him that basically put me off ice cubes for about 3 years … but still, the practicalities of space docking are hardly the sort of thing you’d come up with over a cup of tea with your parents.

And that’s the thing about the mind, it’s bloody mental and can come up with an astounding array of ideas, suggestions and solutions … so why 95% of ad agencies always come up with a 30″ TVC or some derivative of that is beyond me.

Hmmmmn, that’s quite a link isn’t it … probing someone’s anus with a condom of frozen poo to the state of adland, I’ve even impressed myself … so with that I think it’s best I go and leave you with these two snippets:

1. It would appear the last quarter of blog posts might not be very sophisticated.

2. You now know the reason why the headline in that paper made me laugh.


55 Comments so far
Leave a comment

oh my fucking god.

Comment by andy@cynic

I did try and warn you!

Comment by Rob

fucking speechless and you know how fucking hard that is to do.

Comment by andy@cynic

dont worry mrs c, were all as fucking appalled as you must be. and as disappointed. very fucking disappointed.

Comment by andy@cynic

that bit about adland at the fucking end doesnt make this post legitimate. youre talking about anal tinkering with a condom of frozen shit for fucksake. then again, maybe youve just written your best post about adfuckingland ever.

Comment by andy@cynic

Maybe I could get a job writing for Adweek or Campaign?

Comment by Rob

you mean the magazines no fucker reads? yes, thats a fucking great idea.

Comment by andy@cynic

Is Glen a planner?

Comment by Ciaran McCabe

glen sounds too fucking imaginative to be a planner. spacedocking sounds like a new fucking business tool.

Comment by andy@cynic

What a time to read one of Rob’s post I’m entirety. I need a shower and not because I’m hot.

Comment by DH

ive spoken to chicks about you dave and youre right, they say youre not hot at fucking all.

Comment by andy@cynic

Thank you for clearing that up for me.

Comment by DH

how the fuck do you compare spilt wine and buckled fucking wheels to anal rape with a condom of shit. i know youre from nottigham but thats some fucking twisted shit even for you and im very fucking glad ive not spilt any fucking booze on your carpet. if you had booze. or carpets. peasant.

Comment by andy@cynic

The same way I went from toothpaste to growing the population. It’s a gift. Admittedly it’s a gift most people would want to send back, but it’s a gift all the same.

Comment by Rob

Good god.

Comment by George

theres nothing fucking good about any of this shit auntie. never has been but campbell has taken it to an even lower place. which would be admirable if it wasnt so fucked up.

Comment by andy@cynic

+ 1. I googled it to find out more though. Interesting.

Comment by Rafik

Interesting? You’re scaring me Rafik!

Comment by Rob

Back with a bang.

Comment by Pete

not the sort of fucking bang anyone wants. except glen. and even he wouldnt want it from campbell. can someone call the pigs and get jill away from this weirdo fuck?

Comment by andy@cynic

I haven’t even seen this in porn movies and I’m like a professor of those. Give Glen Ron Jeremy’s number, he can make him rich.

Comment by Billy Whizz

the hedgehog will do anything for cash. hes basically a fucking ceo of a multinational agency with more fucking perks from his job.

Comment by andy@cynic

You’ve outdone yourself… or do I just say that coz I’m Dutch (you know the Chinese of Europe)?

Comment by Mrs Fletcher

Hang on, I have to take that one back… Jill’s friend is misinformed. This particular procedure is called an Alaskan Pipeline. Google it.

Comment by Mrs Fletcher

you dutch are sick motherfuckers. youre also fucking influential because i looked up alaskan pipeline and now i have some fucking explaining to do to the wife. if she fucking divorces me, im naming you in the fucking legal petition.

campbell, this dutch woman is right. spacedocking is something else. something even fucking sicker than that pipeline bollocks and i know because i fucking googled it.

to be fair theres a fuckload of different meanings so glen might not of sold you a load of bollocks but if you look here http://tinyurl.com/4xabfy youll see one of the definitions requires you to have an ability to aim and fire better than any fucking fighter pilot with all their special computers and toys. it also needs you to be a twisted bastard with a twisted bastard.

surprised billy wasnt mentioned.

i feel sick and have a very fucking horrid taste in my mouth. pun infuckingtended.

Comment by andy@cynic

I seriously regret writing this post.

No, I seriously regret having pervs who read this post and can correct me about the true definition of sexual deviancy.

Oh my god, and I thought I had brought the ‘standard’ of this blog down. No way, both Truus and Andy’s comments have made hell look like it’s up in the sky.

I feel ill. Especially after feeling an inherent need to check out those links and search requests … though it could be that I found this: http://youtu.be/GaBDZEMmJHA … though to be honest, it was the comments that literally made me look like I’d seen a ghost.

Comment by Rob

New records for low behavior being set every day.

Comment by DH

I’m so sorry I have upset you Rob. But your post made me and my much better half laugh hysterically for about twenty minutes and then being the researching proofreading writer I am… I simply had to check it. I’m truly sorry. I don’t think I even have friends who know what this is. I shall ask around casually on Facebook and then I shall delete them from my friends list. How’s that. Now I shall go and wash my new laptop with soap. Or chlorine.

Comment by Mrs Fletcher

It’s a good job I adore you … and maybe it’s a Dutch thing, but I remember when I told my ex colleague, Rudi, he was equally as fascinated, but fortunately not to the point where he did desk research on it. Possibly because the internet wasn’t invented back then. Or electricity.

Are you well? We might come and visit you soon. Sorry. Ha.

Comment by Rob

Please do! If you fancy Xmas in NY you can have our pad for free as we’ll be going down under from 15/27 dec. But I’d rather see you!

Comment by Mrs Fletcher

right before breakfast…

Comment by Jacob

Bet you ate less than usual. Maybe weight watchers should have sponsored this post.

Comment by Rob

Rob, this is a very disturbing post. I am for the first time glad that you did not hire me. Thank you for that, by the way.

Comment by swati

That doesn’t mean it won’t happen so prepare to turn me down on the grounds of weird and sick, even though this isn’t really my fault. Well, that’s my excuse anyway.

Comment by Rob

hahaha. Holy shit, what a post !

Comment by TOTOinTrouble

Holy shit is probably the most apt comment you could make.

Comment by Rob

Travelling at light speed toward the black hole.

Comment by Age

You may think you have excelled youself, but I don’t find that nearly as shocking as finding myself transmogrified into Freddie Mercury and pasted onto a banknote.
Nice try, but not only no cigar, not even a herbal cigarrette.

Now, in preciseley 20 minutes, I’m powering down, washing out the teapot and leaving work to get ready to have a baby tomorrow.
Goodbye, do try harder while I’m away

Comment by northern

WOW, I am impressed at just how deeply I offended you – if I knew it was that easy, I’d do it way more often.

All the best with tomorrow, you won’t need any luck except in getting some sleep at night.

Comment by Rob

You’ll also be happy to know that tomorrow, the blog post is dedicated to your new son/daughter.

OK, so it’s not great to be next to todays post, but that’s your fault for deciding to have your baby tomorrow … besides, I wrote it with good intentions and they say it’s the thought that counts.

All the best to you and the wife. And William, who will have to learn to share from tomorrow onwards.

Comment by Rob

:-0)

Comment by northern

Oh my god, that’s not a smiley face thing is it? You’ll be writing LOL next.

Comment by Rob

No I bloody won’t

Comment by northern

why the fuck hasnt anyone asked about the ice cubes? why? what the fuck is wrong with you people? nice to see age decided to grace us with his fucking presence but where the fuck is lauren? whats happening to ms fucking swearathon?

and congratulations to northern. not for kid #2, but for having a better reason to not work than some commie national fucking holiday.

Comment by andy@cynic



Even the least easily offended person in our office might be offended by that idea. He is gay too!

Comment by Rob Mortimer

tell him not to worry because even though campbell claims space docking is anal probing with a condom full of frozen shit, according to extensive fucking google searching, what space docking really is is shitting in a womans vagina or wrapping your foreskin over another mans cock depending on which fucking sick bastard definition you choose to fucking listen to. and if you fucking choose to listen to either then youre a certifiable fucking perv or a member of motley crue circa 1987.

Comment by andy@cynic

and how the fuck is jimbo campbell? speak to the dogging fucker much?

Comment by andy@cynic

Jimbo was the only friend of Rob’s I got on with. But I’d never went with him when he offered me a lift.

Comment by Billy Whizz

that made me laugh. i need a fucking drink.

Comment by andy@cynic

Is it champagne to celebrate?

Comment by Billy Whizz

no. its fucking poison so i can end the shame of laughing at something you said.

Comment by andy@cynic

You still laughed so that’s still a win.

Comment by Billy Whizz

if women were as easily pleased as you are, you might not have such a fucking muscular right arm.

and where the fuck is doddsy? this is a post tailor fucking made for him and nothing. is he with lauren? is he with some other bird? is he in jail? where the fuck is doddsy?

Comment by andy@cynic

Yep, the seediest post in history is still here. That will teach me to believe good sense would have prevailed.

Comment by Pete

and you call yourself a fucking planner. the insight with campbell is good sense never fucking prevails.

Comment by andy@cynic




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