The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


I’ve Just Lived The Script Of The Hangover 3.
December 14, 2011, 6:10 am
Filed under: Comment

Hello – how are you all? Well?

Forgive me, but today I am writing a post for me.

Actually, I always do that – however this time it’s even more for me than usual – mainly because I want to ensure the magic of the last 10 days isn’t forgotten.

I had an amazing holiday.

A mad, stupid, wonderful, amazing holiday.

It could be, quite possibly, the best holiday I’ll ever have in my life.

Yes, it was that good.

Saying that, things got off to a dodgy start when having landed in LA, we proceeded to lose our luggage.

We’d only been in the country for literally a few minutes when we proceeded to lose our suitcases. And it was all our fault.

But things improved when this happened …

What you have just seen is me bumping into my oldest, dearest friend at LAX.

Yes … one person who lives in China, bumping into another person who lives in England.

Normally the chances of that would be very, very, very small – however when you find out your wives have been secretly planning that outcome for the last 10 months, you realise it’s not that rare, … even if the magnificence, kindness and unbelievable wonderfulness of their wives, is.

From there, so much happened.

Good and weird … but no bad, however some sad.

So that I can remember the highlights when I’m 90 and using a colostomy bag, I’m going to right them here now, because some simply beggar belief.

Helicoptering into the Grand Canyon for breakfast …

… then learning a helicopter – doing exactly the same trip – crashed the next day, killing all on board.
___________________________________________________________________________

Ridiculous amounts of food. And I mean ridiculous.


___________________________________________________________________________

Gambling. And winning. A lot.
___________________________________________________________________________

Breasts. Huge … massive …. breasts.


___________________________________________________________________________

Stupidly cool hotels.
___________________________________________________________________________

Getting remarried. Along side my best friend. And Elvis.


___________________________________________________________________________

Having some of the weirdest conversations of my life with taxi drivers.
[“There’s this thing, called the internet” & “I can’t get a passport for another 2 years”]
___________________________________________________________________________

Being dressed like freaks … or in my case, Elton John, circa 1974 … while Paul chose to look like the bastard love child of a 1980’s Gameshow presenter and a bouncer.


___________________________________________________________________________

Seeing a lot of B-grade Hollywood ‘stars’.
[Calista Flockhart & the Discovery Channel ‘motorbike making dudes’]
___________________________________________________________________________

Seeing lesbian lions. Though obviously, I didn’t tell them that.


___________________________________________________________________________

Missing the man who started shooting along Hollywood Boulevard by a few hours.
___________________________________________________________________________

Being driven at 55mph along the freeway, in a wooden bus that no windows. At night. When it’s 2 degrees.


___________________________________________________________________________

Imagining Elton John as a gangsta.


___________________________________________________________________________

Being in a cab that took 2 hours to go 6 miles.
___________________________________________________________________________

Paying more in tips than I do on a typical night out.


___________________________________________________________________________

Shunning a hired Mustang to travel LA via our own London Cab.


___________________________________________________________________________

Having the World’s most expensive KFC at The Ivy.


___________________________________________________________________________

Becoming the best friend with LA’s, “no curse” rapper all thanks to a $100 bill.


___________________________________________________________________________

Experiencing some classic Vegas moments …

… and LA moments.


___________________________________________________________________________

Seeing our wives start ‘Occupy Rodeo Drive’.


___________________________________________________________________________

Almost zip-lining through a shopping mall, only for my Birkenstocks to rob me of my SAS fantasies.
___________________________________________________________________________

Getting my first tattoo. A big tattoo … so now I am Mr LA Ink & a disappointment to my Mum. And no Billy, I’m not trying to be you …

… though judging by my wife’s first ‘ink’, maybe she is.


___________________________________________________________________________

Seeing some of the most industrious con-artists I’ve ever seen.
[Hello Ms ‘Las Vegas Sign Photographer’]


___________________________________________________________________________

Scaring myself shitless as people jumped off ‘The Stratosphere’ in Vegas. Fortunately attached to a rope.


___________________________________________________________________________

To be honest, none of this does it justice, but it was just brilliant in every way and I am eternally grateful to my wife, Paul’s wife & Shelly for making it happen … it was quite simply, amazing and I will literally never forget it.

OK, that’s it – normal shit service will commence shortly – but not for long, because in less than 2 weeks, Santa comes which means you get another let off my rubbish.

I’m all give, give, give …


65 Comments so far
Leave a comment

gay.

Comment by andy@cynic

fucked up.

Comment by andy@cynic

sad.

Comment by andy@cynic

+1

Comment by John

suddenly life doesnt look so shit doesnt it doddsy. campbell should flog this post to the samaritans or pfizer.

Comment by andy@cynic

bet uncle dan is over the fucking moon to have this twat on his payroll.

Comment by andy@cynic

on the positive, it looks better than the hangover 2. but only because that was super fucking shit.

Comment by andy@cynic

and to fucking think i thought wearing birkenstocks was your fashion low.

Comment by andy@cynic

Are you saying that wearing Birkies is not the lowest a human can be on the ‘catwalk scale’? You’ve changed your bloody tune.

Comment by Rob

im as fucking shocked as you are.

Comment by andy@cynic

you forgot to mention how much you missed us. i mean me. which is why your midlife fucking crisis tattoo is of my face. it fucking is isnt it? gay. but fucking understandable.

Comment by andy@cynic

It’s not you and – you’ll be happy/amazed to learn – it’s not Queen.

Comment by Rob

its not you is it? please fucking tell me youre not that much of an ego twat.

Comment by andy@cynic

400 bucks for dinner? when did you get so fucking generous? oh thats fucking right, when your pact with the fucking devil made sure youre fucking luck was in at the tables. even though you needed a fucking calculator to keep adding up to twenty fucking one.

Comment by andy@cynic

I charged it to Paul’s credit card.

Comment by Rob

thought as fucking much.

Comment by andy@cynic

Nice Rob. Worth remembering Austin Powers also drive around in a london cab.

Comment by DH

when you think about campbells life in relation to powers, it all makes fucking sense.

Comment by andy@cynic

you make a fucking hideous elton john.

Comment by andy@cynic

or do i mean moby?

Comment by andy@cynic

or gay and uglier bono.

Comment by andy@cynic

or the las vegas strip after its been left to rot for 20 years.

Comment by andy@cynic

Excellent insulting, especially the ‘Las Vegas Strip’ comment … ending the year on a high, which means a low, but that’s not important right now.

Comment by Rob

the only reason paul gets away with it is because hes allegedly got a horses cock and even then its touch and fucking go.

Comment by andy@cynic

My favourite photo is the one with those four massive tits in it.

Comment by Billy Whizz

excellent work billy. about fucking time, but almost worth the fucking wait.

Comment by andy@cynic

I sent Campbell that exact message as soon as he tweeted that pic so guess how depressed I am that Billy came up with the same line.

Comment by John

You made a spelling mistake John, you spell it h.o.n.o.r.e.d.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Tell Jill not to worry, everyone’s first tattoo is a bit strange.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Not as weird as their first husband.

Comment by John

or as defuckingpressing.

Comment by andy@cynic

If the pen is mightier than the sword, the camera is mightier than 10,000 nuclear bombs.

Comment by Billy Whizz

the only reason the mr clean fucking rapper is your friend is because you probably paid him 100 bucks to have the photo taken with you.

Comment by andy@cynic

bet he fucking started swearing when he realised what the fuck hed done and for how fucking cheap.

Comment by andy@cynic

Keith from The Office stars in The Hangover 3. Excellent work.

Comment by Northern

But doesn’t marry a hooker. He interviews
Her

Comment by Northern

kiddie nightmare issues? dont fucking blame them, id be shit scared if it lived in the north and had a youporn addict, slaphead planner as a dad.

could be worse, they could be related to any of the fuckers featured in the photographs of this post.

Comment by andy@cynic

On the plus size, they’ll be okay at making decent tea.

And they don’t live an overpriced Canadian log cabin

Comment by northern

what about the endless supply of maple fucking syrup?

no, didnt fucking think so either.

Comment by andy@cynic

The video of you meeting at the airport is great. Glad you had such an entertaining holiday.

Comment by Pete

it looks like a gay version of the opening fucking scene from love fucking actually. actually.

Comment by andy@cynic

Now you come to mention it.

Comment by Pete

Fantastic. A little strange in places, but fantastic.

Comment by George

have you not noticed that wherever they go, fucked up trouble follows? explains a fucking lot including ex wives, a fucked documentary company and winning and losing bbc america in 7 days. i fucking knew it wasnt my fault so i expect a fucking apology or youll be hearing from my fucking lawyers. whoever the fuck they are.

Comment by andy@cynic

I’ll wait for the letter.

Comment by George

Fuck me, that’s a lot of comments for so early in the day.

Of course everyone is an insult, which will also help remind me when I’m 90 that I was once surrounded by a bunch of bastards … but it’s nice to see you’re all on good form, even if it’s at my expense. As usual.

But I didn’t care then and I don’t care now – because I had a brilliant time and frankly, that’s all that matters. Boom Tish.

Comment by Rob

Probably the best post ever.

Comment by Peter Bray

by that you mean the most fucking pathetic/sad/depressing/crap, right?

Comment by andy@cynic

I love Jill’s tattoo.

Jx

Comment by Jemma King

That’s all you have to say Jemma? Bloody hell, you’re hard to please.

Comment by Rob

no, she just likes things that dont fucking involve you.

Comment by andy@cynic

I went to Rügen. It rained.

Comment by Marcus

The question is, did you go because you knew it would rain?

Comment by Rob

No.

Comment by Marcus

You do realise I had to ask. Just in case.

Comment by Rob

That thing about the helicopter is pretty scary, but the rest of it looks amazing.

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Without doubt the most, awesome, fun, exhilarating, daft, and totally amazing holiday I have ever had. A HUGE and MASSIVE thank-you to Jill and Shelly for organising everything……just not sure how we are going to top that Rob ????????

Comment by Paul

stop being such a creeping fuck paul, its not like theyre going to do it again so theres no fucking point wasting compliments when its going to get you fuck all else in the future.

you might be sitting there looking like the cat that got the fucking cream but let me tell you from personal fucking experience theyre going to drag out what theyve done for you every time they fucking want something for the next 100 years so dont feel too fucking smug because it was all a fucking ruse to own you and you went in with both fucking feet. victim.

Comment by andy@cynic

like how you compliment the wives on here knowing theyll never fucking read it but if they bitch about you not fawning over them and their genefuckingrosity, you can point them to this and shut them up.

clever.

theres fucking hope for you yet.

Comment by andy@cynic

You don’t deserve her Robert.

Comment by northern

you think youre saying something we dont already know groper? i never took you for one of those stating the fucking obvious types of planners but i guess its fucking in all you bastards dna.

Comment by andy@cynic

Rob, this brings back all the great memories of a brilliant holiday with you and Jill however, ‘for once’ Andy is right as Jill and I will be drawing down the brownie points on this one for a very very very long time and expecting lots of ‘genefuckingrosity’ this Christmas XX.

Comment by Shelly

fucking told you boys and the chicks are so fucking confident in their power they dont even try to hide the truth anymore. sorry lads, youre fucked and you only have yourfuckingselves to blame.

Comment by andy@cynic

[…] I managed to still stay employed. Got to do some of the best work I’ve ever done. I had the best holiday of my entire life. I had the most needed holiday of my entire […]

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[…] To our epic holidays. […]

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