The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


America’s Latest Weapon Is Available In Large, Huge & Fucking Massive.
March 20, 2012, 6:07 am
Filed under: Comment

America is the land of the paradox.

They go on about free speech but then verbally abuse anyone that says something they don’t like.

They talk about being a god loving country, then do things that no god would approve of.

They talk about being ‘green’ but they’re one of the World’s worst culprits against the environment.

They [pretend] they’re the richest country in the World, but it’s filled with the poor.

They express their hatred of socialism, yet openly embrace a single Police force, Army, Navy, Postal Service and FBI to name but a few.

OK, so I’m generalising – not everyone is like this – but a hell of a lot are, yet despite it, I still quite like the good old U S of A … or should I say I did until I realized they were using weapons of mass destruction against their own people.

No, I don’t mean United Airlines – though that is definitely up there – I mean the fact that when you ask for a ‘light snack’ they deliver this to your hotel room …

… but when you ask for a Diet Coke, they send you this …

What the hell?

How come when you ask for food they deliver you a portion that would keep a military platoon full for a week, but when you ask for a Diet Coke, they give you a bottle that make Gwyneth Paltrow look like a fat bastard.

I know why, because the American Government want their population fat.

Fat people are too tired to make a fuss.

Fat people don’t start riots because they can’t fit through their door.

Fat people don’t commit crimes because they know they can’t outrun the Police.

Fat people will only question the economy if they can’t afford a Burger King meal deal.

Fat people can’t become spies because they would’t be able to hide in the shadows.

Fat people don’t take up space at the beach because it’s too hot for them to visit.

Fat people make the US car industry better at building big and strong cars.

Fat people can be controlled via a Double Whopper and fries.

Forget all that talk about nuclear bombs being the weapons of mass destruction, that’s complete bollocks … America’s weapon of choice is obesity which is why I am guessing the real reason the troops were sent into Iraq was they’d heard there was going to be a new Diet Coke factory being built there.

No wonder they say holiday makers who visit America for 2 weeks put on 8 pounds.


37 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Also, carelessly arranged chips.

Comment by Chris

Good point Chris and quite possibly the biggest pot of ‘honey mustard’ known to man.

Chips all over the place and the wrong condiments. A recipe for utter culinary disaster if you ask me.

Comment by Rob

Honey mustard? They may have well has provided a jug of rasins.

Comment by Chris

The question is are the regular coke’s the same size? If your theory is correct, they should be huge.

Comment by DH

I can’t believe I’m humoring you with this theory.

Comment by DH

Either can I Dave. Either can I.

Comment by Rob

Hang on, you’re in Atlanta, home of coke. Shouldn’t they be making people drink 2 gallons of the stuff every time they want a glass of the fizzy stuff?

Comment by DH

As an aside, I just rang the hotel for some room service and they answered the phone with the words,

“Good evening, what is your wish”.

Of course I responded with,

“Angelina Jolie and truck load of cash”

They didn’t get it and having to explain it just made an already bad situation, even worse.

Comment by Rob

Doing your bit for British American relations as usual Rob.

Comment by Pete

I’m shocked you’ve not written about United Airlines yet Rob. I’d of thought they’d be more worthy of one of your rants than the size of American food portions.

Besides, your argument is flawed based of the simple fact you love diet coke and can never get enough of it.

Comment by Pete

He’s got a point.

Comment by DH

But isn’t United just a little too obvious?

If it’s any consolation, I’ve written a super-rant towards another American company which might be just as obvious but has achieved the honor of making me madder than all the United flights I’ve had put together … and that is real mad.

Comment by Rob

Worse than all your United fights? That is definitely worth waiting for.

Comment by Pete

8lbs in 2 weeks? America is fucking awesome.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Don’t get too excited, it was in the Daily Mail – so it’s factual status is open to interpretation.

Comment by Rob

The govt? Nah, that’s all corporate doings.
Dopamine works wonders and corporations know it. Just wait till the Chinese politburo figures it out and they’ll be demanding the same things served there.

As for your diet coke – 98.99%profit, so why wouldn’t we send small amounts that lead to more purchases and more profit.

Comment by philmang

The politburo already know – have you seen how many KFC and Macca D’s are out there!?

Comment by Rob

How come you know so much about fat people?

Comment by John

Insight.

Comment by Rob

I prefer your american insights – they’re a great way to start a debate/war.

Comment by John

And wont you get more insights if you go out and find a diner rather than viewing the nation from inside a 5 star hotel?

Comment by John

I’ve just been to ‘Gladys Knight’s chicken and waffles’ shop. It’s a weapon of mass gut destruction and now I am about to go on a 90 min con call.

I am living the dream … the dreeeeeam!!!

Comment by Rob

You never learn Robert.

Comment by Lee Hill

You know, I just had a tasty, healthy lunch. Then I read this. Feeling very superior at the moment….

Comment by Alex

I just had a grease feast and I think I’m going die.

Comment by Billy Whizz

I’ll never forget my first trip to a an all you can Texan BBQ restaurant. Nor will my large intestine.
Have you noticed how Americans insist on pronouncing everything in American English?
Alsace is A-Sayce
VIte-a-mins
Bay-sil instead of Basil

This from the country of Gaddis, Mailer and Roth

Comment by Northern

That should have been Al-sayce
I bet even Kim Kardashian can spell

Comment by Northern

Oh, and America brought us fucking Media Arts. Any portion of fucking Media Arts is too big.

Comment by Northern

One day, I hope you will write about your experience there – in full detail – just so we can feel where all this anger comes from. Well, we know – but I just like the idea of hearing all the nasty details.

And yes, I also find it amusing/annoying how American’s speak, badly pronouncing every syllable of every word.

You say tom-ate-toe, I say “stop talking stupid”.

To be fair though, it isn’t as annoying as people from Dorset.

Comment by Rob

The tolerance and objectivity of planners – a case study.

Comment by John

I LOL thinking about a rioter, revved up and ready to stick it to the man; fighting for the injustices of the world, and the corruption that manipulates our lives, getting stuck in his doorway on the way out of his room. Poor rioter. No rioting today.

Comment by Age

I’ve been a silent reader for some time and I thought I’d say hello as I’ve just got my first planning job and feel able to join the conversation.
I just want to thankyou for sharing all you knowledge, its really generous and has helped me enourmously.
Can’t wait to apply some of your advice.
By the way, I’m not so sure he massive portions are just an American issue, the portion size in the UK has been steadilly growing for some time now

Comment by Mediacraftsman

That’s all we fucking need, another planner.
Congratulations I suppose.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Congratulations.

Comment by Pete

Just do the opposite of whatever Rob does and you’ll be fine.

Comment by DH

Congratulations Mediacraftsman – though now you’re a planner, I would say you have even less reason to make a comment on here than you did previously.

Still, congrats – just don’t hold me responsible when you realise it’s all a great big game. Ha.

Comment by Rob

The last point just completes the story, wow. I suppose Canada is not any better.

Comment by Mehdi Mollahasani (@Mollahasani)




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