The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

All Bases Covered …
November 20, 2012, 6:00 am
Filed under: Comment

So when I was driving up to Nottingham – from Heathrow Airport – to see my Mum a few weeks ago, I stopped off at a service station for a coffee and toilet break [not in that order].

While there, I saw a product dispenser that seemed to really understand the needs of the average British male.

Let me rephrase that.

While there, I saw a product dispenser that seemed to specifically cater for the sexual needs of the average British male.

OK, so it didn’t offer you the ability to obtain a nubile, young female to entertain you … but it did sell condoms so you could practice safe sex as well as headache pills so she wouldn’t have an excuse for not having safe sex with you.

Obviously designed by a man who has suffered great frustration in the ‘sealing the deal’ stakes.

In fact, if the machine also offered a ‘how to’ guide on personal grooming and developing a personality, I think it would have pretty much every possibility covered … except for the slightly annoying fact that buying condoms from a service station on the M1 is possibly one of the least erotic things you can do.

Unless you’re from Derby, because those freaks would fuck a hole in the floor.

Or the back of a sheep.



27 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Pleased to see that there is a helpline number just in case.

If all else fails you could press all the buttons. That’s 2 points in the Erotic Motorway I-Spy book. Allegedly.

Comment by Chris

Is that a bit like when you were a kid and would check the ‘returned coins’ slot just in case someone forgot to take their cash when the machine refused to dispense the packet of Hula Hoops they wanted?

Comment by Rob

Where’s the button to get the 8ft dildo?

You limeys are so sexually repressed.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Limeys don’t need dildos to pleasure their lady friends because limeys don’t have cocks that resemble a pin.

They can also last more than 13 seconds.

Comment by DH

That’s what the chicks tell you to make you feel better.

You lost your empire so your self esteem is teetering on the edge because I’ve been told by loads of hot chicks that the only stiff thing on a limey is their upper lip.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Now I know you’re lying. You’ve never even spoken to a “hot chick”. Well, not by anyone else’s definition of the term.

Comment by DH

The less there are for you, the more there are for me. I win.

Comment by Billy Whizz

I happily concede.

Comment by DH

billy. you are a twat.

Comment by andy@cynic

Nice motorway service station lurking Rob.

I’m sure you didn’t look in the slightest bit suspicious.

Comment by DH

With my face, I look suspicious everywhere so what’s photographing a vending machine in a male toilets at an M1 service station? It’s hardly going to damage my reputation is it!

Comment by Rob

There’s not many people who could make a blog post out of a photo of a condom vending machine. I really am unsure whether that is a good or a bad thing.

Comment by Pete

I’ve just seen Dave and Billy’s schoolyard argument. Compared to that, this blog post is Shakespeare. So there’s your answer Rob, your ability to write blog posts out of photos of condom machines is a good thing. Except for the comments it encourages.

Comment by Pete

Don’t pick on me, I was defending England’s honour. A country, last time I gave it a moments thought, I am sure you originated from.

Good job Britain wasn’t full of your sort in 1939.

Comment by DH

WWII references and no German commentator in sight. This truly is a momentous [sad] occasion.

Don’t forget we won the World Cup in 1966 too.

Comment by Rob

Am I right in remembering you spent a lot of time at motorway services in your youth? I don’t know what that means or what I am trying to say, I just wanted to clarify whether my memory serves me or cheats me.

Comment by Lee Hill

Errrrrm, yes. But that’s only because there was little to do in Nottingham at night. Except get mugged.

East Midlands Airport was another favoured hang out for the West Bridgford posse. Ahem.

Comment by Rob

fucking hell campbell. this is one degree off being george fucking michael.

Comment by andy@cynic

I always like how every Motorway service station I have ever seen has a “Loo of the Year” award…

Comment by Rob Mortimer

Gentle derby xenophobia
Surely a man who takes photo evidenced of his cottaging exploits is not entirely in position to judge
That said one has to admire the ability to find story and insight in everything i presume this is why dan gave you the job
Despite the fact this post points to less savoury reasons- the evidence on this post points towards him willing to give anything to avoid the planner wearing Birkenstocks an army surplus shirt and come to bed eyes who had just cornered hampstead Heath

Comment by Northern

Yes this post is badly written blame the crap iPhone keyboard and a rickety train

Comment by Northern

How is it possible to be character assassinated and complimented at the same time, with the same comment?

Comment by Rob

By the way, I notice you’re traveling quite a lot these days so I hope that puts an end to you taking the piss out of my continual adventures.

Or am I dreaming?

Comment by Rob

One crucial difference
It’s mostly Swindon London or the odd European city in cattle class
Not Fauntleroy class
For actual work as opposed to

Comment by Northern

Don’t blame me, I’m just following orders!

Comment by Rob

Thats what the SS said

Comment by Northern

There’s a sackable offence joke just waiting to be said here but instead I’ll just go “touché”. Happy 3rd class rail ticket journey.

Comment by Rob

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