The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


If This Is Music, Kill Me Now …
November 21, 2012, 6:15 am
Filed under: Comment

So I know writing this post is going to open me up to all sorts of abuse.

You’ll say things like:

1. What would I know about quality music when I love Queen.

2. I sound like the 42 year old man I am.

3. I’m making a judgement on societies tastes when I keep saying planners, should observe them, not abuse them.

However I do have a pretty good defense.

No, I’m not going to say that while later Queen music was a bit pants, their early stuff was brilliant and anyone who likes Muse should check out Freddie and gangs, Queen II or Sheer Heart Attack albums. Nor am I going to say that I am a ‘young’ 42 year old because while I like stupid gadgets, fashion [ahem!] and television – I plainly am not. Nor will I point out that I am not trying to change anything, I’m just making an observation.

Oh no.

My defense is simply quoting some of the lyrics to teens sensation, One Direction, new song – Little Things – which I had the terrible misfortune of hearing in the car recently.

“Your hand fits in mine like it’s made just for me.
But bear this mind it was meant to be.
And I’m joining up the dots with the freckles on your cheeks.
And it all makes sense to me.

I know you’ve never loved the crinkles by your eyes when you smile.
You’ve never loved your stomach or your thighs.
The dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine.
But I’ll love them endlessly.

You can’t go to bed without a cup of tea.
Maybe that’s the reason that you talk in your sleep.
And all those conversations are the secrets that I keep.
Though it makes no sense to me.

I know you’ve never loved the sound of your voice on tape.
You never want to know how much you weigh.
You still have to squeeze into your jeans.
But you’re perfect to me.”

What the fucking fuck????

Dot to dot with the freckles!

You never loved your stomach or your thighs!

Or the dimples at the bottom of your spine!

I know you’ve never loved the sound of your voice on tape!

You never want to know how much you weigh!

You still have to squeeze into your jeans!

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Now sadly, I know why young girls will like this – not just because it’s sung by a bunch of pre-pubecesent pretty boys – but because it covers a bunch of the issues they worry about in their teens [and beyond] – which proves this song wasn’t written by musicians, but by a fucking focus group.

You can take the piss all you like out of Queen and their “Scaramouche, scaramouche, will you do the Fandango” lyrics, but at least they didn’t fucking write utter trite, uber-manufactured tat like that One Direction shit.

A few weeks ago I wrote a post about HMV and their owners decision to ban staff from showing tattoos or having long hair.

Well, if they add, ‘do not sell One Direction songs’ to that list, I might let them off, because while every generation has their own ‘musical favourites’, there is no excuse … utterly NO excuse … for this sort of shit and I just hope they go the way of Five Star and countless other ‘flavour of the month/year’ bands and end up in the ‘where are they now’ dustbin.

Sadly, judging by the ‘facts’ presented here, I’m not sure that will be the case.

Come back Wham, all is forgiven, even that ‘Wake me up before you go go’ rubbish.


74 Comments so far
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Are you OK Robert?
This week you’ve had posts about Nostradamus, condom vending machines and now this, the teen sensations One Direction. This is very unlike you. In fact, the only way I am reassured you wrote these posts is the undercurrent of distain, anger and disgust that flows through each one. It’s all very confusing.
Finally, the lyrics of that “song” are some of the worst use of the English language I’ve seen since I accidentally stumbled upon a Jeffrey Archer novel a few years ago. It also reminds me of a KitKat ad from the 80’s/90’s that featured a terrible band in a record company office. I won’t explain the scenario except to say it’s life imitating art.

Comment by George

I remember that ad.

“You can’t sing. You look awful. You’ll go far.”

It appears KitKat were the Daily Mail of chocolate.

Comment by Pete

old bastard.

Comment by andy@cynic

But not quite as old as you.

Comment by Pete

petty prick.

Comment by andy@cynic

I remember that ad too. I remember watching it and muttering to myself, “how true”, probably because some Queen song had been held off the top spot of the charts by some blandom, one hit wonder like Hazel Dean.

[Look her up]

Comment by Rob

does knowing utterly shit singers and songs come naturally to you or did you have to fucking train for it? sick bastard.

Comment by andy@cynic

Was this song written by Jimmy Saville?

Comment by DH

if it was written by saville, it would go like this.

“i know youve never loved the crinkles by your eyes when you smile.
youve never loved your stomach or your thighs.
the dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine.
but i can fix it for you.

fuck that was a lot of typing for a c grade fucking joke.

Comment by andy@cynic

I appreciated the effort.

Comment by DH

Didn’t Rob tell you about cutting and pasting?

Comment by John

lazy mans tools. besides, i used to have someone to do that for me. when i had a job. and money. and happiness.

Comment by andy@cynic

Wake me up before you go go can never be forgiven. It just can be less hated than this modern rubbish. I hope their one direction is down.

Comment by DH

And don’t think this makes me like queen. Remember Rob, I know your cunning manipulative ways, I was exposed to them for 3 years.

You would explain or present a terrible scenario and then introduce another similar, but slightly less terrible scenario.

“So Dave, which one are you going to do?”

Effective bastard.

Comment by DH

That scenario does sound scarily familiar.

Comment by Pete

you can take him out of the fucking mafia but you cant take the mafia out of the fucking bastard.

Comment by andy@cynic

I invented a new method of motivation, the carrotstick … it didn’t involve tempting you or hurting you and yet still got the job done. Why I’ve not been invited to write a business book is anyone’s guess.

Comment by Rob

One direction are immensely popular because music popularity is no longer based on sound, songs or talent, but image packaging. Of course this is not new, The Monkees were also examples of that, except they could actually write songs and play instruments which today is seen as a “nice to have, but not essential”.

My biggest objection to them is not their music but the thought my 7 year old niece might be getting her lessons in love from their lyrics.

It also sounds very similar to an article you could read in my sisters teen magazine in 1987.

Comment by Pete

Elvis didn’t play an instrument or write his own songs.

Comment by Billy Whizz

He also got loads of babes.

Now I know my problem. I learnt to play guitar. Fuckit.

Comment by Billy Whizz

when you say “learnt to play guitar” i hope youre being fucking ironic.

Comment by andy@cynic

I don’t think Slash has been starved of action Billy … nor even Brian May … so maybe your pet theory is completely and utterly rubbish.

Maybe.

Probably.

Let’s face it, it wouldn’t be the first time.

Comment by Rob

That is a very sensible comment on the desensitisation of society towards sex and the powerful intimacy of the act, and robs post also superbly points to the wider issue that even though technology has changed many ways in which we function, some things a planner should understand are (are going to be) timeless tools of commercial persuasion (elvis, to one direction)..

so let me ask a follow up question Pete..because I am curious what you think?..

what the fuck with wave and buzz??

Comment by niko

you almost had me fucking scared there niko then you came good. thank fuck someone has maintained their standards beyond just me.

Comment by andy@cynic

Point of pedantry – the Monkess songs were writen by the likes of Neil Diamond and Carole King and p-layed by session men like Campbell.

Comment by John

diamond and king? has a better ring to it than millward and brown doesnt it.

Comment by andy@cynic

if it didnt have a guitar solo on it, campbell probably didnt play it. which is why his music career ended around 1990, when people finally cottoned on to the fact that squeally axe solos are about as relevant as little and fucking large.

Comment by andy@cynic

They’re having more chicks than a super fertile porn star chicken on IVF treatment so they’re not all bad.

Comment by Billy Whizz

I don’t know if that’s the best or worst comment I’ve ever read on here. It might actually be the best. Congratulations Billy for fucking with my mind.

Comment by DH

Don’t ask how I found this, but this tumblr might prove your point Billy. Or show they’re incredible frustrated.

http://tinyurl.com/b4cgeb9

Comment by DH

Freak. That’s you and the boy band bandit.

Comment by Billy Whizz

what. the. fuck. were. you. thinking.

Comment by andy@cynic

This should get you a visit from the Metropolitan Police Dave. And to be honest, you deserve it.

Comment by Rob

I didn’t create the tumblr, I just found it.

Comment by DH

That was bad enough David.

Comment by George

That is an amazing comment Billy. As scary as the one direction lyrics but for totally different reasons.

Comment by Pete

Speechless.

Comment by George

billy. billy. billy. thats fucking great stuff. up there when age wrote that war and fucking peace comment involving parachutes, campbell and sir fucking martin midget.

Comment by andy@cynic

That is quite extraordinary commenting Billy. Well done.

And just for the record, I am not being sarcastic.

Comment by Rob

It turns out this was written by that other abomination Ed Sheeran. A brand extension of the worst type.

Comment by John

id never heard of the cock so i did a search on him.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ed_Sheeran

what a total fucking wanker. and claiming hes a fucking philanthropist for doing a gig for street walkers is a fucking joke when he is out there raping our ear drums with shit like that one direction bollocks.

Comment by andy@cynic

i never fucking thought id say this. but queen are better than that pile of fucking shit. not by much. but still better. of course, so is a mountain of vomit topped off with shit swirls.

Comment by andy@cynic

I will keep this comment forever. FOREVER!

Comment by Rob

Their song is available on iTunes if anyone is interested. I’m guessing, probably not.

By the way Robert, where has your “appreciate and understand pop culture, rather than judge it” ethos gone?

Comment by Bazza

Oh I appreciate their impact on society. I accept that they are – in their own small way – shaping or influencing a certain segment of society. I would look into it much further if I was doing work for clients dealing with an target group that are ‘One Directions audience segment’ … but I still would be utterly dismayed and disgusted at the utter rubbish they’re churning out.

I might advocate openness of attitude, but not passiveness of opinion.

That said, my MTV presentation on what brands can learn from brands still seems utterly relevant.

Comment by Rob

Over 30 comments on this post already!

Bloody hell.

I wonder how many will actually be relevant to the subject matter? My guess, around 10%. Let’s investigate.

Comment by Rob

Well, I’m shocked, it’s more like 90% of comments on subject. So while I hate One Direction as much as the Taliban*, they have managed to achieve something on this blog that I don’t think I’ve ever seen – so thanks chirpy chappies from a record companies research department.

* Slight over-exaggeration.

Comment by Rob

Leave Harry alone, he’s dreamy and my future husband.

Comment by Jemma King

i never fucking thought you could disappoint me jem, but you have. and fuck knows how billy is going to feel.

Comment by andy@cynic


we can blame auntie for that as he was the fucker that helped develop the mtv car crash that was “i want a famous fucking face”.

Comment by andy@cynic

Always the victim, not the instigator.
Jemma. Disappointed.

Comment by George

I’m better than any of those twats with a hairstyle.

You’ve changed Jemma. It’s definitely you, not me.

Comment by Billy Whizz

Oh Jemma.

Comment by Rob

This is starting to sound like a modern day Romeo & Juliet.

Comment by Bazza

Made me think of this “why doesn’t:

(In this installment of “Ask A Network Head,” Natalie asks the head of programming at MTV why they stopped playing music videos. And gets a fun answer! Yay!)

Comment by Paul

That is excellent.

Comment by George

I hadn’t seen that before. Love it.

Comment by Rob

This is a post designed to humiliate the elderly isn’t it Robert.

Comment by Lee Hill

Or at least identify them.

Comment by Rob

I would also like to point out this post has had an enormous amount of visits. I can only assume One Direction fans saw the link on Twitter and clicked eagerly in the hope of getting some new news on their idols.

How sad and disappointed they must feel right now.

Comment by Rob

Of smug that the old bastards don’t get it

Comment by Northern

62 comments because of one direction. That’s more depressing than one direction.

Comment by DH

Love it. Getting this for my next tattoo (maybe across my clavicle):
“You can’t go to bed without a cup of tea.
Maybe that’s the reason that you talk in your sleep.”
Observant, insightful, with a hint of empathy and understanding.

Comment by Michael

He is reading books.

Comment by Marcus

The fact grown ups (!) like you moan about them only serves to make young people like them more
You’re not supposed to like them
That said if any of my children buy (or should I say steal through downloading) rap music there will be he’ll to pay unless its run DMc

Comment by Northern

If listening to One Direction is the current young generations act of ‘rebellion’ then the world is literally, utterly fucked.

‘Young generation’, jesus … how old do I sound!

Comment by Rob

I prefer them to Queen

Comment by northern

Zig a zig ah

Comment by Northern

Anyway I have a weakness for girls aloud

Comment by Northern

Is that the band or the title of the Youporn video you watch when Mrs Northern is asleep looking after your delightful – but poorly – daughter?

Comment by Rob

Trust me, when it’s her turn to look after little Evie all I want to do is sleep

Comment by northern

70 comments for this shit. thats even more fucking disappointing than if romney had won. and for those talentless twats. theyre even more fucking boring than a planner banging on about a brand onion. and media arts. and queen.

just kidding, that would be fucking suicide inducing.

still 70+ comments for this shit is a sign every fucker on the planet was bored as shit today or its a sign that the end of the bastard world is nigh.

Comment by andy@cynic

A planner talking about anything would win the boring competition.

Unless they were against a media planner. That’s a whole different level of hell.

Comment by DH




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