The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


Oral Sex …
July 17, 2013, 6:15 am
Filed under: Comment

So a few weeks ago I talked about a soap that promised to clean you so thoroughly, it gave you your virginity back.

Now I stand by my belief that is the greatest product overclaim I’ve ever seen but recently I came across [a bad choice of words, as you’ll soon discover why] another product that seems to:

1. Be making a rather audacious claim.

2. Targeting pervs & teenagers. Probably from Nottingham.

3. Contradicting their ‘benefit’ in their packaging choice of words.

What am I going on about? This …

That’s right, it’s a chewing gum that supposedly stops you having the urge to have a wank for 6 hours.

What the fuck is it made of, chloroform?

But the bit that utterly confuses me is that surely they should be making a product that makes people’s hands busy, not their jaws – or surely this would be better named as a Anti-Blowjob gum?

And then there’s the fact that on the packaging, they proudly announce …

“INSTANT RELIEF LASTING UP TO 6 HOURS”

… which is either a very cruel joke designed to mock the people who want instant relief via a ‘hand shandy’ or some sort of subliminal positioning genius created to make the product sound like Viagra 2.0 … where it doesn’t just get you ‘ready for action’, but invites some hot, high class ‘friends’ to your house to roger you senseless.

Eitherway, it’s utterly mental however if they launched a variant that stopped people wanting to look at youtube while in a meeting, I know one person who would want to buy a pack, don’t I Northern?


39 Comments so far
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First

Comment by Billy Whizz

loser.

Comment by andy@cynic

Who are you Billy Whizz? I need to find your blog!

Comment by Notes To Ponder

Wankers

Comment by Billy Whizz

Where do you find this stuff Rob?

I’m taking a wild guess and assuming both this gum and the virgin soap are connected to some religious group. It’s mad for them as well, but who would otherwise come up with these products?

Comment by Pete

dont you know pete. campbell spends his fucking nights trawling the internet trying to find and buy the weirdest shit possible. why else do you think he likes queen? hes a fuckwit but hes not that much of a fuckwit.

Comment by andy@cynic

You are better than the internet.

Comment by Pete

By the way, “what is it made of, chloroform?” is hilarious.

Comment by Pete

It also explains why Rob’s colleagues are delighted he’s out of the office so much.

Comment by John

theres fuckloads of reasons for that doddsy.

Comment by andy@cynic

His six-hourly impulses beat any of them as far as I’m concerned.

Comment by John

No pun intended.

Comment by John

youve just uncovered why the fucker walks with his hands in his pockets.

Comment by andy@cynic

so is this what alex ferguson has been chewing for the past 20 fucking years. stop the urges to focus on the team? is this a scoop the sun will pay me fuckloads for?

Comment by andy@cynic

Goodness.

Comment by George

For (Andrew’s) clarification, I meant “goodness” in the “goodness gracious, that’s an alarming product”, not “that chewing gum looks full of goodness”.

Comment by George

With a house full of 4 women, I’m not sure I believe you George.

Comment by DH

George – you’re cracking me up🙂

Comment by Notes To Ponder

My burning question – is there a shampoo to wash homosexuality away?

Comment by Notes To Ponder

wk would try and claim old spice but thats only because the scents so fucked it drives everyone away within 100 feet of you.

Comment by andy@cynic

Personally I see an Axe masturbation ad campaign down the road🙂

Comment by Notes To Ponder

The church would say you just have to rinse your hair in holy water.

Comment by Bazza

Oh? Is that what Catholic priests do?🙂

Comment by Notes To Ponder

If a man is in love with Jesus, does that make him gay? In other news, are you trying to announce something NTP?

Comment by DH

I’m having trouble with this reply, as I’m still laughing. No DH – as much as it would make your day, there is no news flash. As for Jesus love – don’t be stupid! If a man loves his father, brother, or son it doesn’t alter sexual orientation one iota.

Comment by Notes To Ponder

Don’t you know that Dave. Good news you have ntp to sort you out.

Comment by Billy Whizz

I know what you’re trying to do Billy.

Comment by DH

I can’t be arsed to write a bunch of comments but I will say that the comments I’ve read so far all meet the expectations I had when I wrote the post. Which either means you all maintain a particular standard or you’re all utterly predictable.

Oh, and hello to Notes To Ponder. I doubt you’ll ever come back, but I appreciate you making the effort this time,

Comment by Rob

Why would you think I wouldn’t come back?

Comment by Notes To Ponder

I assumed you were a person of taste.

Comment by Rob

Haha! Would a person of taste bother with the likes of DH? I would truly be lost without glimpses into madness. I’ve talked to 6 or 7 people about “gumsturbation” since reading your post; including my 19 and 23 year old sons who both laughed till nearly pissing their pants.🙂

Comment by Notes To Ponder

That’s a product claim that is crying out to be tested by Which magazine.

Comment by Lee Hill

That would be brilliant.

Comment by Rob

Bastard

Comment by northern

Truth hurts.

Comment by Rob

Perfect proposition.

Comment by DH

No idea how you find these treasures, but you crack me up…

Comment by La Güera Pecosa

[…] It seriously is the weirdest – and worst – thing I’ve ever seen and don’t forget I’ve recently posted about this, this and this. […]

Pingback by Fail Harder Just Became Easier … | The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]

[…] A long time ago I wrote about a gum that was designed to stop teenagers whacking off. […]

Pingback by It Will Make You Blind And You Can’t Climb Ladders Easily … | The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]




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