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In little over 6 weeks, I’m going to be a Dad.
FORTY TWO DAYS!!!
For someone who is paid to be a ‘planner’, I’m rather alarmed that I have not planned anything for the little kids birth.
Sure we have a hospital, a few clothes, a cot and a pram but that’s about it.
But this isn’t a post about my obvious lack of parenting skill – oh no – this is about how bloody expensive everything is.
You can’t walk into a baby store [which I am doing my utmost to avoid] without dropping hundreds of quid.
Or in my case, millions of RMB.
Anyone who thinks adland is a ripoff should see the price of baby stuff.
Christ, I thought Jill’s engagement ring was expensive, but at least that came with a diamond … this baby stuff is basically a bunch of colourful plastic so it’s no surprise that you feel violated every time you hand your credit card over to the cashier.
The thing that freaked me out the most was the pram.
OK, so I’ve never really needed to judge the cost of prams before but I almost shat my pants when I saw how much they were.
Of course they say you’re paying for the advanced technology, super suspension and a huge range of uses, but it’s the transportation for a kid who is the size of a couple of rulers … a kid who won’t know the difference between a highly tuned pram and a bloody shopping trolley … so you know that’s a massive bunch of bollocks.
The fact is, most of these ‘super prams’ have little to do with the kid.
Oh no … most of these super prams are all about how you’ll look to other parents as this ad for ‘iCandy’ prams [do you see what they did there] demonstrates:
I cannot tell you how much I hate this.
I hate it to the point where I want to kidnap everyone associated with it, torture them until they are crying and begging for forgiveness and then force them to use the pram as their family car until the end of time.
Seriously, I hate it that much.
It’s not just the fact they feature an oh-so-cool hipster wanker – though that literally makes me want to rip my face off with a spoon – it’s not just that they’ve called this model ‘the raspberry’ even though it’s purple … it’s not just that the brand chose a name that makes it sound like Steve Jobs created it … it’s the fact they’ve said it’s for ‘urban adventurers’.
Who the fuck are they trying to kid.
It’s not a fucking Land Rover, it’s a pram.
Something that pushes a baby around.
While you pick up some nappies from the local shop.
It’s not like you’re going cross vast deserts to try and discover new civilisations … the only thing you’re going to cross is the high street so you can sit with a bunch of other show-off parents while sipping your overpriced, decaf, low-foam, extra-hot, cafe latte with imported beans from the Amazon.
All ‘urban adventurer’ actually is, is another bullshit marketing term … designed to make fashion victim parents feel like they’re hip, despite the fact they have a bundle of noise and shit alongside them 24/7.
It’s almost an anti-parent statement.
It’s like saying having a kid is not as important as being seen as the man/woman around town.
What a load of shit.
And the fact they use a hipster-cock on this ad just makes it all 10,000 worse.
Where’s he going with that bag?
To the gym?
To the office?
To a clients?
Well wherever he’s going, I wouldn’t trust him … who the fuck carries a bag with them when there’s ample space to shove it under the pram?
Oh I know who … the idiots who spend $5000 on a bag because GQ Magazine says it’s the latest thing to be seen with.
I hate this ad.
I hate every single thing about it.
And I absolutely loathe it’s called iCandy.
Do they think that’s clever?
Do they think it’s subtle?
If there was no other pram on the face of the earth, I still wouldn’t buy an iCandy.
I would literally rather fit wheels to my hands and knees and be a human pram than give these bastards a penny of my money.
Look, I know people choose a pram for more reasons than just their child’s comfort and safety … but where the idiots at iCandy fucked up is they talked about this in their advertising, which is a massive no-no.
It’s a bit like cool.
If you say you’re it, you’re not it.
The secret to planning isn’t just about discovering the motivations behind what we say, think, feel and do … it’s also about knowing when you should – and shouldn’t – talk about it … which is why I would bet money that the planner behind this campaign isn’t a parent and if they are, then they’re an idiot.
Mind you, I accept that they maybe discovered a new parental segment who believes everything they own needs to be an accessory to their image and they’re going all out to target them … but surely Kim Kardashian has a pram for North by now?
As a footnote to this rant, I should admit that I did buy a pram that cost the equivalent of a small car in Slovakia.
I also admit the marketing collateral from the manufactures did mention their advanced technology, super suspension and huge range of uses.
I even accept I chose the ‘limited edition colour’ even though it cost 80 quid more than the standard options.
But none of this was about image – oh no – it was all about doing what’s best for my child.
And while I could argue that includes trying to get other parents to look at the pram rather than me to ensure my kid doesn’t get a stigma that his father dresses like a drunk – from 1978 – the fact is you’d be wrong because how could my choice be for my image when we all know pushing a pram is the woman’s job.
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