The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


When Brands Go Delusional …
February 4, 2015, 6:25 am
Filed under: Crap Campaigns In History, Crap Marketing Ideas From History!

Have a look at this …

Putting aside the ever so slight over-promise and over-exageration that Costa are offering a ‘world class business platform’ that ‘fuels the best meetings, ideas and people’ … the bit that makes me laugh the most is that all they’re actually offering is a coffee machine.

A massive, unsightly coffee machine.

A massive, unsightly, over-the-top coffee machine that requires you to do everything except boil the water for their watered down, poor excuse for a coffee.

That is unless you force some poor secretary to make it for you in a bid to delude yourself that you are important when really you’re st another victim of the annual brainstorm meeting.

And then there’s the claim this visual monstrosity was created by leading design and technology experts.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

What leading design and technology experts was that then … the same ones who designed the outfit for Coco The Clown?

Hell, even the way they have added ‘Express’ to their name is annoying.

Not only does it look like a cheap after-thought, it hardly conveys the image cues of groundbreaking ideas … whatever the image cues for groundbreaking ideas actually are.

Look, I get they want to expand their market.

I get they want to brand themselves as offering unique values.

But it’s all utter bollocks isn’t it.

They may claim a cup of their coffee will enable you to stomp around the office a little bit taller and a teensy-bit more confident … but what they’re basically selling is the equivalent of popping into your kitchen at home to make a cup of instant coffee … except it costs 10 times as much, tastes 10 times less enjoyable

Actually that’s wrong.

Because with the Costa Express Self-Serve Coffee Bar [TM] not only you find yourself holding a massive purple cup that screams “I AM A MIDDLE LEVEL NO BODY WITH ABSOLUTELY NO TASTE”, you’ll also earn the ridicule of your colleagues when, instead of coming up with a World Class idea as stated in the above ad, you’ll stress out when asked what you’d like to order for lunch from the brainstorm menu.

I’ve been in this industry for a long time … I’ve heard all sorts of over-claim and ridiculous reframe … but I have to take my hat off to Costa for pushing the boundaries of big-talking to a whole new level.

They sign off the ad with ‘GET A TASTE’, they should have replaced it with ‘GET A LIFE’.


47 Comments so far
Leave a comment

you spiteful, bitchy, sarcastic fucking bastard. theres hope for you and this blog yet.

Comment by andy@cynic

Costa may have just validated Rob’s return from blog retirement.

Comment by DH

it would if he wrote another post like it tomorrow but he wont. it will be some planning bollocks or something about queen or his best mates massive cock so dont get too fucking excited, hell disappoint you. he always disappoints.

Comment by andy@cynic

You’re right and I know this because I’ve literally written 20 posts in advance. TWENTY!!! On the positive, some are very, very short. But admittedly not that many.

Oh, and before you slag me off for doing this on Dan’s dime, I have been writing them over the past couple of months. So yes, they have been on Dan’s dime, but only a little at a time.

Oh, and just to clarify … I wrote them as little things to me, I never actually intended to post them, then I realised I missed being slagged off so here they are. Which – in a weird way – makes it a more effective use of Dan’s money rather than writing this rubbish just for me to “enjoy”. Ahem.

Comment by Rob

20! kill me fucking now.

Comment by andy@cynic

but uncle dan will probably want to get their first.

Comment by andy@cynic

Is that not a poor excuse for a Space Invaders machine?

Comment by Ken, 5st Baron Wetshod.

their coffee tastes like it was brewed in a space invaders machine.

Comment by andy@cynic

reminiscent of Mellow Birds in tepid water.

Comment by Ken, 5st Baron Wetshod.

Mellow Birds? Now that is an unwelcome blast from the past.

Comment by George

sounds like ken has all the credentials to take over this blog when campbell retires again. oh no he doesnt, ken is funny.

Comment by andy@cynic

Hello Kim … welcome. I would agree with you but with that purple and black colour scheme, I’d say it’s more like a poor excuse for a Defender’s arcade game. A very poor excuse as I used to love that machine. LOVE IT. Hyperbomb mayhem.

Comment by Rob

you sad fucker campbell. you sad, sad fucker.

Comment by andy@cynic

Comment by George

Brilliant.

Comment by Rob

i fucking swear costa coffees image was designed by a blind prince fan from fucking slough. there coffee tastes like it was brewed by that fucker too.

Comment by andy@cynic

Gold.

Comment by DH

I wish you were a teacher. But I wouldn’t want to be one of your students.

Comment by Rob

Don’t slag off prince fans

Comment by Northern

I’m guessing it is because of the purple overload rather than the diminutive mans music. But I could be – and probably am – wrong.

Comment by Rob

i was just wondering where the slot was for the money so you could use the pinball machine. Does it flash lights for different brews? Where are those strings of running lights that tell you you’ve hit the jackpot?

Comment by judyt54

When I think of Costa, I think of roadside “restaurants” on UK motorways. The type of places where Little Chef is seen as an upmarket treat. This ad hasn’t changed that opinion but I like them more for the laugh they’ve just given me with their brilliant pretentiousness.

Comment by DH

bet a fucking planner wrote that shit. they are specialists is creating overhyped bollocks. look at all their fucking briefs for proof.

Comment by andy@cynic

Oh come on, that’s more the work of a ‘direct marketing’ copywriter. They are the real masters of hyperbole, after all, they make getting a letter through the mailbox sound like you’ve just been granted 3 wishes from God before reading it more closely and discovering it’s just a free edition of the Readers Digest.

Comment by Rob

I agree with you Robert.

Comment by George

How I have missed this blog. Excellent post Robert though due to being fueled by a world class business platform, I would expect nothing less.

Comment by George

It looks like a coffee platform to me.

Comment by John

I’m torn. They tell me it’s “innovative”, but then it’s clearly not cold filtered, so it’s utterly passe.

Comment by John

Your coffee appreciation levels are impressive John.

Comment by Lee Hill

Especially as I don’t drink the stuff. No echo-chamber me.

Comment by John

With coffee knowledge like that John, you would fit right in, in Portland.

Comment by Rob

Especially as he’s white. (I think he is white)

Comment by DH

Racial stereotyper!

Comment by John

He’s got a point. Once when I was in Portland, I hung out with this old, black homeless guy and I will always remember his response when he asked me if I knew how white Portland was.

“Portland is so white, even the hotel chambermaids are white”.

And in 10 words, he made his point brilliantly.

Comment by Rob

Homeless groupie.

Comment by DH

My gym replaced its independently-run refreshment area wih a Costa franchise. Nobody goes there, but the restaurant the ousted proprietor opened nearby is the most popular in town.

Comment by John

Russell Brand’s revolution is taking shape.

Comment by DH

That’s funny Dave. Congratulations.

Comment by Rob

Not as funny as this blog.

Comment by DH

Touche.

Comment by Rob

It would be interesting to learn how many of these contraptions have been sold. More interesting would be to learn to whom.

Comment by Lee Hill

Yes. I bet they keep that more secret than the Whitehouse keeps the nuclear codes.

Comment by Rob

Any slagging off of coffee by you, Rob, can’t be taken seriously by me (a self proclaimed coffee snob), because you drink Starbucks. Which any self respecting coffee drinker knows is not coffee. I do have to give you a *golf clap* for the epic rant though. Good to see your return here.

Comment by ozdean

Just because I drink Starbucks and prefer coffee mate to some monkey dung coffee bean that costs the equivalent of the GDP of Iceland doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate coffee. But you’ve always been nice to me so I’ll let it pass. Ha.

Comment by Rob

None of this matters. Because nobody reads long copy. Nobody except the costa express product manager who has to delude him or herself that life’s worth living.

The sales staff certainly won’t. They know they’re flogging/renting coffee machines to facilities managers who won’t read the copy and are only concerned on cutting the best deal they can.

Comment by John

Not this again John.

How many times do I have to tell you, people read what they find interesting and sometimes that is an ad. Though sadly, that also proves your point given no one in their right mind would find that Costa ad interesting so they’d just walk past it and get on with their lives. Unless they’re a sad planner from Nottingham.

Comment by Rob

[…] what I’m about to talk about is now where near as mental as that Costa ‘coffee hub’ bollocks, but it’s bad all the […]

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