The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


Baby Chair Manufacturers Make Donald Trump Look Like A Labrador Puppy …

I’ve written a lot about my hatred of pushchair companies.

How they try and sell their seat-on-wheels as a fashion item or a bloody 4×4 vehicle.

But now iCandy – one of the worst offenders – have decided to fuck me over by releasing this:

I know my hatred is bordering on irrational but I hate this so much.

I hate the name.

MiChair. MICHAIR.

Apart from it being utter bollocks, why can’t they spell it properly.

Oh I know why, because by making the ‘i’ in MiCHAIR lowercase, they think it makes it sound like it’s some kind of next-gen product when all it is, IS A FUCKING HIGHCHAIR FOR A BABY.

Then I hate the Dad in the photo.

Look at him …

They might think he looks young, relaxed and good looking – the sort that holds down an uber-successful job in the city – but I just think he’s a smug fuck who is sleeping with his secretary. Probably in the marital bed when his wife is out at her sisters.

And don’t get me started on that kitchen.

Oh you just know the client demanded it to look clean and contemporary because that reflects ‘the brands values and aesthetic’ or some other contrived marketing buzzword bullshit.

And the irony is, by doing that, it highlights how much bollocks this all is because anyone with a kid will tell you that regardless how immaculate a place may be when you start to feed your child, the moment you try and put food in their mouth, the entire room will resemble a war zone within 3 seconds flat.

But I can even overlook all that compared to the worst bit … the line.

LIVE EVERY MOMENT. LOVE EVERY STEP.

What the fuck?

Seriously, what the fuck?

Love every moment of what? Feeding your kid?

Are you insane?

Unless that chair can strap a kid in like their Hannibal Lector in Silence of the Lambs, you’ll never live every moment … you’ll be too busy trying to avoid it.

And then there’s that LOVE EVERY STEP.

Maybe they mean it in terms of how the chair adapts to the different life stages of the kid, but even if it does [which I totally made up, by the way] IT’S A CHAIR … IT CAN’T GO ANYWHERE SO WHY ARE YOU USING WORDS LIKE STEPS???

OK … OK … I need to take a deep, deep breath but I hate how these companies try to exploit the love we have for our kids by making us feel that we are not treating them well unless we put them in some pretend designer bollocks.

To be quite honest, that strategy – while sadly effective – is utterly evil because what they’re saying is it’s the stuff you put around your baby that is more important than the way you actually treat them.

Bastards.

I would absolutely love to know how many of the people behind this are parents.

Then I’d love to know how many have called their kids Tarquin or Apple-Baby-Boo.

I don’t know why knowing their kids name would be important, but I’d just like to know.

Because I’m angry. And irrational. And just really, really fed up of how these companies are turning kids into a fucking accessory for certain parents to show off how fucking rich and stylish they are.

Though I admit, if Birkenstock did a high chair, I’d be there with fucking bells on.

ARGHHHHHHHH!

[I’ll be better by tomorrow. Promise. Well, semi-promise]

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30 Comments so far
Leave a comment

When you say you’ll be better tomorrow, do you mean more angry?
I hope so but I don’t think you meant it that way.

Comment by DH

Wait and see. I bet the suspense is killing you. Ahem.

Comment by Rob

Do you find it hypocritical that you hate baby furniture manufacturers and their advertising but you buy gadgets that are even less useful for yourself. I’m thinking wifi suitcase for one.

Comment by DH

you think that fact will stop him? you fucking naive twat.

Comment by andy@cynic

Of course it is but aren’t we all hypocritical? To be this way proves I am human. Despite being a planner. Ha.

Comment by Rob

Isn’t a chair that adapts as your child grows a good thing? Unless they charge for all the chairs it replaces combined. Even then that still seems quite a good idea.

Comment by Pete

I agree with you on the copy. It’s pretty terrible.

Comment by Pete

come back and say that when youre a fucking parent. the way these baby companies squeeze every fucking cent out your pocket is enough to make the baddest badass divorce attorney cry with fucking jealousy.

Comment by andy@cynic

With that news, I’m going to buy shares in iCandy today.

Comment by Bazza

Is this where I tell you I am going to be a father?

Comment by DH

Really?

Comment by DH

what the fuck?

Comment by andy@cynic

Yes.

Comment by Pete

Pete! That’s awesome news … congratulations.

When is he/she due?

So excited for you guys but just to be clear … if you buy an iCandy pram and high-chair, I will never speak to you again.

Comment by Rob

fuck me, mini pete. well fucking done. guess sarah is stuck with you good and fucking proper now.

Comment by andy@cynic

Finally it is official.
Brilliant, brilliant news.

Comment by George

Congratulations Peter. I am thrilled for both of you.

Comment by Lee Hill

Bordering on irrational? Bordering?

It’s an ad for a high chair. You’re way past “bordering”.

Comment by Bazza

remember campbell got in a fucking tizz when someone moved the height of his chair so this is entirely in line with his fucking drama queen bullshit.

Comment by andy@cynic

I wish I could I forget.

Comment by Bazza

Says the men who could act like a kid who had been fed caffeine and e-numbers all day.

Comment by Rob

Your application for the role of ECD is noted.

Comment by John

I lost it at “Look at him …”

Hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaa

Comment by Oz Dean

Brilliant rant. Immediate disqualification as the gadget king of Asia

Comment by northern

where the fuck have you been hiding?

Comment by andy@cynic

[…] via Baby Chair Manufacturers Make Donald Trump Look Like A Labrador Puppy … — The Musings Of An Opin… […]

Pingback by In lumina

“Live every moment. Love every step”= Pretty lame.

Comment by historyoftelephony

I think you have enough talent to work up a “true” ad in PhotoShop, I’ll wait here while you work that up, make sure the dad has butter stains on his t-shirt and that his brow is furrowed with a “why the fuck do I have to do this” kind of thing going on. Bonus points if said t-shirt has shrunk up to the approximate area of his navel.

Comment by partsocaster

He doesn’t need photoshop to do that, he just needs to put up one of his family photos.

Comment by DH

Sadly – based on what I look like at this very moment – that is a very pertinent comment Dave.

Comment by Rob




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