The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


Mario Has An Accident …

So I love video games.

Absolutely love them.

I’ve had pretty much every console since the bloody Philips G7000.

And trust me, if you can look at that console favorably, you must really love gaming because it was pretty shocking.

But of all the games I’ve played on all the consoles I’ve owned, one has been a particular fave.

Mario Kart.

God I love that game.

So simple yet so addictive and always so much fun.

So while I have that game on countless Nintendo consoles, when I heard it was coming out on the iPhone, I quickly downloaded it.

Only to get this …

WHAT. THE. FUCK. MARIO?!

Nintendo have always been the bastions of seamless entertainment.

Turn on and play … but they launch a game on the bloody iPhone, a device that could – in theory – open up a huge commercial opportunity for them and it doesn’t work.

Worse, they openly tell you it won’t work for a few days … which begs the question, why launch it?

Maybe it’s not Nintendo’s fault as it has been widely reported Apple launched iOS 13 too early and it’s littered with bugs [another sign that Mr Jobs is long gone] but whatever the reason, as a Nintendo and Mario fan, this has pissed me off … almost as much as it will piss R/GA off when my timesheet is filled with the job code MARIOKRT.

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I appreciate this is not exactly the best post for Remembrance Day, or maybe it’s the perfect reminder why we should all get along with our neighbours so we avoid ending up causing a wealth of pain and hurt no one deserves or recovers from.



Where Is Lee Harvey Oswald When You Need Him …

Ladies and gentlemen.

Boys and girls.

We have reached ‘peak hipster’ …

A monocle.

A bloody monocle.

It was bad enough when people started wearing glasses without lenses in but this … THIS!!!

And they say ‘splendid clear reading vision, when you need it’

What the hell does that even mean?

Splendid clear reading vision.

How different is that from clear reading vision.

And sure you need that all the bloody time …

I cannot tell you how angry this has made me and it’s only because they had the self awareness to add the word ‘madness’ to their website that I won’t turn up to their store with a weapon, which – given the period of time they are trying to bring back – would probably be pistols at dawn.



How Much Does Your Credibility Cost?

A few weeks ago I saw this …

Have you watched it?

Please watch it …

Seriously, it suddenly makes Ronaldo’s play acting in front of a referee look Oscar worthy.

I know a bunch of Western celebrities do ads in Asia because they get paid a ton of cash and they think no one will ever see it, but the fact is – in these connected times – people do see it.

People EVERYWHERE.

Which takes us back to Ronaldo.

Why the hell did he do this?

For a person who seems very, very aware of his public image, he must have known how terrible this would make him look.

And I don’t just mean the terrible dancing, I mean everything.

The horrific production values.

The embarrassingly tragic script.

The ridiculous premise for the whole ad.

I just don’t understand why he would do it.

He isn’t at the point of retiring.

He absolutely doesn’t need the money.

And with such star power, surely he could – at the very least – have demanded a better script or some semi-decent production values.

Which all goes to show that money might buy you happiness, but it doesn’t buy you taste.



Can I Kill These People Please?

Yes I’m back.

Sorry, but I am.

I know you had got used to peace and quiet but bad luck.

Not only am I back, but I’m pissed off.

So recently I came across this company …

Enjoy unsold food …

Eat at a time that is inconvenient for you.

Pay for something that could have been sitting there all bloody day.

Seriously, what the hell?

OK, I can just about accept that there is an audience who might find this idea appealing, even though I would still prefer it if the food went to the homeless rather than the cheap … but to claim ‘they’re ending food wastage’?

Come on …

I get purpose is a big thing for brands these days.

I get there is an audience who want to deal with brands that give a shit.

But just like the umbrella company I wrote about a few weeks ago with their bullshit purpose mission statement, it tends to only work if the companies purpose means they sacrifice something for the greater good rather than simply to use it as a way to earn profit.

But I’m still flabbergasted at this idea.

Imagine if a dating app used the same premise.

Lonely?

Fed up of being single?

Join ‘Too Good To Waste’, a dating app that connects you to people left on the shelf.

That’s right, through our app, you can spend your time with someone no one else wanted.

Together we can end loneliness forever.



Professional To The Core …

For reasons I don’t understand – but I do like – I occasionally get asked for my opinion in industry magazines.

While I absolutely take what I do seriously, I have realized that if I was to compile all that I’ve said that has been printed, I would look a bit of a maniac.

For example, there’s this. Or this. Or even this.

And just recently I was asked ‘what Star Wars character would I be’ and this was my answer …

But here is the thing …

While many may think I do this because I need psychiatric help or have a career death wish, there’s another reason behind it and it’s about comfortableness.

You see when I was a youngster in the industry, I was surrounded by super-smart, super-senior people who were full of opinion, personality and provocation.

While I didn’t agree with everything they said, they helped me realise that ‘just because you take your job seriously, doesn’t mean you have to take yourself seriously’.

What this did was let me feel comfortable in taking to any of them about any madcap idea I had … let me talk to clients about subjects that may otherwise seem ‘off limits’ and let me work with colleagues without thinking it made me look weak or incapable.

In essence, cheekiness has enabled me to do – or be part of – things that I may not otherwise never have been able to do.

From work I’ve been a part of … clients I’ve worked with … agencies I’ve worked at and countries I’ve lived in.

Now of course, mischief is in my bones so it wasn’t exactly hard … but being encouraged to embrace my truth rather than oppress it had a huge benefit to my career and so while a bunch of what I say and do is because I’m a bloody idiot, there is a part of it that is intended to create the space and atmosphere to enable my colleagues and clients feel comfortable with being vulnerable … whether that’s expressing their ideas, their fears and ambitions or simply realizing that if I can have a career while still being a sweary fool, then they – with all their talent – surely can.

You might think this is a load of bollocks – and I totally understand get why – but it’s true.

The future of adland is not going to come from more processes, it’s going to come from more people being able to express or explore their ideas without fearing they will be judged, shot down or ridiculed.

And if you think that’s a dramatic statement, just go on twitter and see how the masses react to any idea that challenges the belief system they have bought into, even though they know for a fact that the very small amount of people who succeed – which are mainly white men – are generally the ones who reinforce the cliche rather than push or break them.

Happy Monday.



A Glimpse Into Past Normality …

Following on from yesterday’s post about Concorde I thought I’d post a sign I saw hanging in the ‘food preparation area’ of an old British Airways plane …

The fact smoking was once allowed on planes is amazing.

The fact they had to remind staff not to smoke while preparing food is mind-blowing.

But they did … because back then, having staff not smoke while preparing food was classed as ‘hygienic’, regardless of the fact being stuck on a plane with cigarette smoke working its way through the cabin at 30,000 feet was not.

Thank god those days have changed …

And that’s the thing with history, you often look at it and wonder, ‘what the hell were people thinking?’ but then you look around at the state of the World today and you realise we’re still making stupid decisions.

Whether it’s brexit or the rise of nationalism, millions of people are making decisions as stupid as allowing smoking on a plane.

Or smoking in general.

Of course, this is ultimately fueled by individuals who claim to be acting in societies best interests but are really getting the masses to act in ways that suit their own personal agenda … be it for money, fame or ego.

There’s an old proverb that says ‘those who forget history are destined to make the same mistake again’. Personally I think that needs updating to “those who only remember the bits of history that suit them are destined to lead us all into the shit”.

People will claim this is democracy, but it’s not really.

Apart from the fact anyone can win anything if you lie through your teeth, true democracy requires EVERYONE’S opinion to be heard. Maybe it’s time we follow Australia’s lead and say it is a requirement that everyone votes on issues of national importance. Maybe if that happened and people still voted for Brexit [albeit with issues that were true rather than fear mongering] the country would be less broken apart.

It won’t happen. Too many people with power and money will make sure that’s the case … and that is why anyone who still thinks we live in a democracy better not complain when decisions go against them.

Sorry, I got ranty there, I’m just so angry someone like Boris Johnson has got what he wanted regardless of the cost to everyone else. He and his cronies should be charged as enemies of the country … which may happen once everyone see’s the damage a No Deal Brexit has on their everyday life.

Oh, before I go and have a lie down … a little message to Dave.

Mate, I know today is a hard day for you. As usual, we are all thinking of you and will give you a call later.

Big hugs.



Could Everyone Associated With This Please Punch Yourself In The Face …

Have a look at this …

I’ve got to be honest, I think it’s one of the most amazing ads I’ve ever seen.

Not – of course – because it’s good, but because there’s so many things in it to hate, I don’t know which one I loathe more.

From the cliched photograph that is obviously trying to associate with street culture through to the absolutely fucking awful oxymoron/pun of ‘Future Retro’ and ‘Deja New’ … there is an endless amount of hate inducing triggers in this ad.

But even those things don’t come close to releasing my inner rage as ‘Time Tracker’.

TIME TRACKER!!!

It’s a watch. A bloody watch. Yes, they ‘track time’ but they’re attempt to make it sound like the future of watches makes me literally want to kill.

Oh I am thinking about how I’d do it.

Maybe a wooden post so I can smack them around the head.

Or maybe a canon, so I can shoot them far, far away.

Or maybe … oh hang on, I know what I’ll do … I’ll make them wear that ‘time tracker’ and refer to it in the same way, so their shame will be all encompassing and complete.

Time Tracker is a perfect example of something I’ve been seeing more and more of … repositioning that isn’t repositioning.

Repositioning is about helping culture look at your brand in a totally different way.

When Wrigley’s chewing gum moved from being a sweet to a dental care product … that is repositioning.

When Poloroid cameras shifted from photography to being a social lubricant … that is a repositioning.

When Old Spice moved from being used by men to being valued by women … that is repositioning.

A watch going from telling the time to tracking the time is not.

And yet I am seeing more and more work that is trying to position themselves as a catalyst for change when they’re doing nothing but re-articulating the category expression.

One of the categories doing this the most is the financial sector.

There are more new ‘banks’ than at any point in my life.

All with quirky names.

All claiming to be revolutionizing the industry.

All stating they are being developed around the needs of their customers.

And yet not one of them seems to realize that as much as they’re trying to be seen as disrupting the banking industry, they’re doing it in exactly the same way as everyone else.

Disruption but without distinction.

But here’s the thing, are they even disrupting … because so many of them are trying to communicate you can ‘trust’ them. I get trust is important wherever money is concerned, but it is also the backbone of the industry … so in essence, they’re saying ‘we’re different’ and yet they are communicating in exactly the same way as the establishment.

In essence, they’ve become the beast they claim they were created to slay …

But they’re actually worse, because not building any distinction into their offering or behaviour except their name and choice of pastel ‘brand’ colour means all they are really building is commodotisation.

Of course that’s probably because their business plan is to be bought by the establishment and so they don’t care about long term thinking, but this – just like the idiots behind that Nixon watch – is the new ‘best practice’ for brand and business strategy.

And we wonder why the business community questions our ability to talk business.