The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


UBloodyShitheads …
November 8, 2018, 6:15 am
Filed under: Attitude & Aptitude, Comment, Corporate Evil, Marketing Fail

One of the things that makes me laugh is when financial institutions try and present themselves as caring about the World.

OK, so some genuinely do – but the big investment banks are highly questionable – and yet, despite countless proof their quest for profit trumps everything, they continue to spout this company line.

Well recently I saw one that reached new depths of tragic.

UBS.

Putting aside ‘Does Cancer Respect Wealth’ is a pretty cold and heartless way to ever communicate, this is not some statement declaring UBS is donating billions to find a cure – oh no – it’s an ad designed to do 2 things:

1. Stop anyone who is disgustingly wealthy feel guilty for being disgustingly wealthy.

2. Invite investment in companies trying to find a cure for cancer. Or said another way, it’s offering the chance to get seriously wealthy if one of the companies finds a cure.

They just can’t help themselves can they?

Look, I know money makes the World go round.

I know money can help solve things – as they so blatantly point out in their tweet, to make them sound like they’re the Red Cross.

But – and it’s a big but – the key is how you earn the cash and what you do with it and UBS don’t have a great track record in that. Sure, there are worse institutions out there, but I would rather they own what they’re trying to do rather than just badly spin it in an attempt to look like they care about humanity when the reality is they only care about humanity if they’re super rich and customers of theirs.

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Marketing To The Religious Right …

Over the years I’ve written about some strange beliefs some strange people have.

For strange people, read overly religious, bigoted individuals.

First there was the gum that claimed to stop you masturbating.

Then there was the soap that made you a virgin again.

Well if that wasn’t weird enough, I recently saw this …

Now that is some headline.

It’s a headline that commands your attention.

It’s a headline that demands you delve deeper.

And when I did, I discovered that – similar to TBWA’s current approach to disruption – I left feeling more repulsed than attracted to the cause or the topic. Have a read of this …

I have read this a few times.

And even now – as I read it again – I come away shaking my head in utter dismay and disarray.

Because while I appreciate the authors beliefs are her beliefs [even though I find them unbelievably condescending, patronizing and judgmental] I also think she is fundamentally wrong because I’m pretty sure the main thing young men look for in young women is a pulse.

I’m not saying that’s right but neither is this sort of blinkered bollocks.

But here’s the thing, as blinkered bollocks as this may be … there’s a bunch of people who not only believe this, but live by it. And our industry needs to acknowledge this reality, because while we can judge all we like in our personal opinions, we have to keep an open and curious mind to what’s going on in our professional lives, because real life is a damn sight more complex, twisted and confusing than the nicely curated versions of what’s going that we like to present to the World.

If great communication is about resonance rather than relevance, then knowing the weird is way more important than knowing the convention.



Women Are Stronger Than Men …

A few weeks ago, I saw these 2 headlines being shared on social media …

Look at them!

Seriously, the fact women deal with this blatant – and subtle – prejudicial shit every single day and don’t want to kill every man they meet, is proof they’re stronger than any man can be.

I cannot tell you how much I really, really hope sperm stops depression in men as well as women.

Not just because depression is an incredibly debilitating illness, but the headlines and machismo bullshit we’ll see from all the misogynists around us, will be hysterical.

Though in a perfect world, it will be women’s pee that will be discovered as the ultimate ‘cure for all’ … because that would really fuck with them.

I’m so over this bullshit and I know I am not the only one … but as I discovered in my time in America, saying you don’t like something is not the same as doing something about it because we know the misogynists will keep doing their bit.



Welcome To Inauthenticity …

I’ve written about Gary Vee before.

And while I admire his ability to promote himself – and don’t deny his considerable entrepreneurial spirit – I feel he is entering that dangerous area where he’s starting to blindly believe his own voice, without any sense of objectivity.

Now there’s many successful people who are like that, but given he preaches on a platform of self awareness, I find this new chapter of his ego particularly unpleasant to witness.

What has raised my ire?

This …

Yep, he has launched his own range of sneakers.

Sneakers!

What the fuck?

Apart from maybe watching sport or having once ridden a skateboard, what credibility has he got to do that?

I could maybe accept it he had got some fantastic – and credible – people to help create them, but that is never mentioned at all.

Of course not, because even if that is the case, I doubt his ego would allow it.

And maybe that’s why he wants people in marketing and entrepreneurship to support him rather than athletes … despite the fact they’re made to look like the bastard love-child of Adidas and K-Swiss.

That’s right, it’s not enough for Mr Vaynerchuk to create a pair of ‘sneakers’ that’s been influenced/plagarised by one credible sports brand, he wants to double influence/plagarise … which kind of sums him up through and through.

Seriously, anyone who buys a pair of these is basically anti-sport and pro-asshole.



When Marketing Goes Mad …

I found this photo in my old files.

It’s about 12+ years old.

But based on what the sticker says, it shouldn’t matter should it?

Except it does, because it’s bollocks, especially where technology is concerned even though Moore’s Law is coming to an end.

While I appreciate the World moves so fast that many people just want to have something that they can rely on forever, any brand that promises lifelong relevance is either utterly delusional or a bigger conman than Bernie Madoff.

When will brands learn great marketing isn’t about fabrication but authenticity,



Devil In The Details …

I appreciate me – and this blog – being back, constitutes the worst Monday ever, but deal with it.

Hong Kong was as it always is … busy, noisy, energetic, proud, flamboyant.

Fuck I miss Asia.

Well, I miss lots about Asia, but one of the things I don’t is the bullshit bank advertising.

Where every company tries to convey how prestigious they are and – as a byproduct – how aspirational their customers are, even though what they show is the sort of tacky success you tend to see in a z-grade reality show contestants house.

Case in point this stuff from UOB Bank.

Introducing Singapore’s first diamond embellished, metal card.

No, seriously.

What a load of bollocks.

But what does ‘diamond embellished’ even mean?

Is it that minute square in the card … to the right of the chip?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, I think it is, because nothing says success like having a credit card with some cheap ass specks of diamond that even Ratners jewelers would turn their noses up at.

But it gets better …

By ‘better’, I obviously mean worse.

Because not only have they launched a credit card for the most insanely idiotic and egotistical customer on the planet – or at least Singapore – they’ve shown their true tacky colours by making one of the worst copy mistakes I’ve seen in ages to accompany the cards launch.

“For those who value exclusivity in its most extinguished form”.

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.

Dickheads.

I love it, because nothing says class and sophistication like a lack of basic language skills.

Now while I’d love to extinguish the people who came up with this card and who want this card, I think leaving things exactly as they are is a much better solution … because not only does it make the people at the bank look the sad, shallow, idiotic wankers they are, it also ensures anyone who pulls this card out looks the sort of pathetic, egotistical, insecure and unsophisticated asshole they truly are.

That’s what I call a WIN:WIN in my book.

I will always love and miss Asia with all my heart, but I will always hate the lazy, contrived, aspirational bullshit that the marketing departments of so many companies continue to peddle.



Moore’s Law Won’t Be Law For Much Longer …

Moore’s law – created by Gordon Moore, the co-founder of Fairchild Semiconductor and Intel – states that computer power will double every two years at the same cost.

Since he said this in the later 60’s, he’s been proven right, but having listened to a professor of computer engineering on the radio last night, it appears it’s coming to an end.

The reason I am saying this is because to prove his point, the Professor said 3 things that have blown my mind.

1. The iPhone has 4 billion transistors in it. FOUR BILLION.

2. There are now more transistors in the World than their are leaves on all the trees across the entire planet.

3. Some transistors are so small – separated by a distance of just 14 nanometres (nm) – that they are invisible. And when I say invisible, I mean it because they are smaller than the wavelengths of light human eyes and microscopes use.

What I loved about the talk the Professor gave wasn’t just his ability to articulate the incredible journey of innovation that the tech industry has been on for almost 50 years … nor was it his view that this rate of innovation was going to be impossible to maintain given the micro scale the industry is already operating at … it was that he felt this obsession with precision was stopping craftsmanship to flourish.

Now I must admit, my initial view was getting 4 billion transistors into an iPhone would be the ultimate demonstration of craftsmanship, but no … this Professor was saying that in our quest to automate our lives, we are doing it at the expense of celebrating and expanding human skills.

For him, craftsmanship is when a human manufactures a product by hand … they use dedicated human reasoning to work out the kinks during production to make a high-quality, functioning piece.

These pieces attract and inspire those around them, attracting more people to both value the products and want to create the products, helping humanity both evolve and appreciate what we are capable of creating and becoming.

Now of course we could say computers have done a similar thing, but this Professor was saying ‘perfect precision’ was overshadowing ‘human precision’ and while there will always be a need for technology to do heavy lifting for us, humanity is at its best when it is can satisfy and appreciate what we as a species can do and right now, we are outsourcing that to technology.

It’s an interesting argument – especially when you think of what so much of this new era of tech is being used to do from a human interaction perspective – but ultimately I believe the argument is that if we don’t get back to teaching tech what to value, then tech will start teaching us.

It already is.

In their quest to get AI accepted in households, many companies are building applications to cater for the lowest common denominator of needs. The low hanging fruit, as it were. Now that would be fine if they then evolved their offering, but as this is a fierce, commercial race, I am pretty sure most companies will end up focusing on trying to automate as many simple tasks as possible in a bid to show their ‘usefulness’ which means over time, they are educating us to value speed over quality, convenience over experiences, virtual over reality and information over understanding.

Some might think that is OK, but as Andy said in a comment a few weeks ago, the implication are frightening …

“The fucked thing about all this tech assistance isnt that its making us lazy, its that its making us selfish and dismissing anyone or anything that doesnt do what we want immediately. The arts are going to be fucked over by this shit till people work it out and by then it will be too late or they just wont care.”

Don’t get me wrong, I love tech.

I love what it does and I love what it has allowed us to do.

And it goes without saying I love that it has helped me satisfy my love of gadgetry.

But if this is all at the cost of humanities appreciation of humanity, that’s quite a price to pay which is why if the end of Moore’s law means we get to teach values to tech rather than have tech teach us our values, then I for one am all for it.