The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


Does Delta Care More About Their Plastic Than Their Passengers …

So a little while ago, I was flying on DELTA from NYC to LA.

As I was settling in for my 5 hour flight [that turned into a 10 hour trip, which is a story for another day] I reached for the headphones so I could enjoy my new luxury of watching a movie uninterrupted.

So imagine my surprise when I found this …

Maybe it’s just me, but I find the most unhygienic thing about airline headphones is the fact they’ve been on other people’s ears so for the life of me, I don’t understand why Delta put plastic around the cord.

And before you say ‘it’s to keep the wire together’, that’s not true because when you ripped off the little blue bag, the wire was held together with one of those plastic tags.

Which begs the question, why the hell did they cover up the one thing that doesn’t need covering up.

Or said another way, why the hell do Delta think their passengers are more concerned about the hygiene of the headphone socket than their ears?

Lee … any ideas or is this one of those ‘no comment’ moments?



If Marketing Automation Means Sending Out Emails With Statements That Don’t Lead Anywhere …

… then the answer is a definitive no.



I Know They Say Too Much Coffee Can Be Dangerous But This Is Ridiculous …

When I was younger I loved pocket knives, especially swiss army knives.

Not because I was a mugger – though I am from Nottingham – but because I found the way all the different elements came together in one small package, fascinating.

While I have grown up since those days [as have Swiss Army Knives, judging by this monster] I still find my eyes drawn to them when I see them, which is why this caught my attention.

But then, I looked a bit closer and saw it was a special edition.

And then I looked closer still and saw it had a picture of something that looked like a bloody Nespresso pod on its blade.

There’s a simple reason for that, because the image is supposed to be of a Nespresso pod, because this knife is made from recycled poncey coffee pod packaging.

I have to be honest, I didn’t know what to make of this.

Without doubt, one part of me thought it was bloody awesome, and yet another part of me hated it because by pointing out the specific material they recycled to make their product, I felt it was some sort of ‘official’ alliance and suddenly it was less about helping the earth and more about exploiting it.

Of course I knew I could be wrong – as I usually am – however when I looked into it, I found this descriptor on the Victorinox website:

“Two Swiss innovators, one directional collector’s piece. Meet the Pioneer Nespresso Livanto: a Swiss Army Knife with sustainability at the heart of its design blueprint. The second limited edition from this unique collaboration between Victorinox and Nespresso, it fuses a solid eco conscience and heritage with intricate engineering. This utility piece features scales crafted from 24 recycled coffee capsules in a striking bronze hue. It’s where green living meets coffee culture and intrepid adventure.”

… and in an instant, Victorinox and Nespresso left a horrible taste in my mouth, even worse than their coffee but – thankfully for them – not as bad as their ads.



Why Linkedin’s Secret Sauce Will Leave A Totally Horrible Taste In Your Mouth …

I’ve written a lot about Linkedin in the past.

None of it, let’s face it, that complimentary.

Part of that is because of what some users view as professional and part of that is because they show a total lack of understanding of who their users are … but it also doesn’t help its become a place where bullshit head hunters blindly contact you about bullshit jobs.

Or worse, where they ask you for names of people they can then bombard with their bullshit jobs.

Continuing the theme of bullshit and Linkedin, have a look at this …

WHAT. THE. FUCK?

Seriously, what are they talking about?

Why are they going on about ‘secret sauce’?

Why are they trying to make it sound that the average schmuck can have the same power and influence over Linkedin as THE PEOPLE WHO OWN LINKEDIN?

And given no one actually knows what they’re talking about, why would anyone care how Linkedin uses Linkedin to market their secret sauce … let alone the fact that given no one knows what their secret sauce is, it must mean Linkedin is absolutely shit for marketing.

I swear to god this is nothing more than a bet some people had in Linkedin to see how many times they could put the word Linkedin into an ad. Because any other reason just doesn’t make the slightest bit of sense.

This is another perfect example of when companies try and act in a way that is totally inauthentic to them. Embrace your boringness Linkedin, because at least it will make me think you’re self aware, whereas now, I just think you’re a bloody idiot.



The Most Ridiculous Phone Management System In The World …

American companies – like every other country in the World – love automated telephone systems.

To actually get to speak to a real human, is harder than earning a PHD in astrophysics.

But what makes me laugh is how they try so so hard to make it sound like you’re talking to a real person when it’s painfully obvious you’re not.

However, in America, it has reached new heights.

I was organizing Direct TV and was having to repeat my answer to every question asked by the ‘automated human’ because it doesn’t understand British accents when – finally – it accepted my answer.

Imagine my surprise when immediately after, I heard the sound effect of a person typing.

Seriously, it was trying to suggest they were literally inputing my answer into their system.

If that wasn’t mental enough, the sound they used sounded awfully like a typewriter from the 1920’s.

Apart from the fact that a supposed high-tech company shouldn’t feel embarrassed about not using real people, if they really believe genuine human interaction is more desirable for customers than a computer, then HIRE SOME FUCKING HUMANS.

Another example where a consultancy has come in to improve efficiency and ignored reality.



The Con Goes On …

Back in March I wrote that APAC Insider Magazine had nominated Cynic for an Australian award, despite us ceasing to be a legal entity in 2010.

Well, today I got an email telling me ‘we were still in the running’ and they would be sending details for the award decision and ceremony.

Of course it’s all a load of bollocks, but imagine if you were a small company and thought you were honestly up for an award, you’d probably do whatever they asked because when you’re starting out, you’re continually looking for anything that reaffirms your decision to go it alone.

As I’ve written before, starting your own company is one of the best things you can ever do, but the journey – especially at the beginning – is incredibly fragile and this sort of thing has the potential to bring it all down.

Of course, there’s an argument it could also lift some people up … but if you win an award from a magazine who wants to nominate a company that died 7 years ago, you have to ask if the ‘award’ is something you really want to be associated with.

So, given these fuckers are exploiting the insecurity of small businesses, I’ve decided to give them a taste of their own medicine.

Sure, I’m going to continue going along with their ‘award’ – mainly because I’m genuinely interested to see how far their con goes on – but I’m going to do something else.

I can’t go into specifics right now, but let’s just say APAC Insider Magazine have received an email announcing their nomination for the International Magazine Publishers ‘Promotion of the Year’ and we’re going to see how they like a taste of their own medicine.

#PaybackIsGlorious



Blah Wars …

I’ve previously written about the commercialization of Star Wars, but I recently saw this and realized it’s got much worse than I originally thought.

OK … so Star Wars cornflakes may be as terrible a tie-in as you can get, but seriously, have you ever seen something as utterly hideous as this …

Look, I get there’s some nerds out there who think Yoda is real … hell, there’s some planners out there who think they’re Yoda, but come on, who the hell would actually want this?

I swear to god, even the worst Norwegian Death Metal loving, 8-times-a-day masturbating, Star Wars fan wouldn’t want to be seen dead with this. And why would they … they live in a house where where the only light that enters their room comes from their computer screen as they play their 22nd straight hour of WOW.

Then there’s the price.

US$180.

ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY DOLLARS.

Whaaaaaaaat?

But as much as I’d like to dismiss this as the work of some insane individual, the fact is I know this utterly disgusting, bad-taste, Star Wars room light will sell in their thousands, so next time someone tries to kill your ideas with the excuse “no one would do that”, show them this ad and tell them not to be so quick with their assumptions.