The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


Gwyneth Is As Subtle As Her Acting …

So as you read this, I’ll be in Sweden and not back till Wednesday.

As I won’t be writing a post tomorrow, I thought I’d write a post today where the impact of it would easily last 48 hours/

So have a look at that picture.

A close look.

Seriously, isn’t it terrible?

It looks like it should be the poster for a porn movie rather than a show about an international actress who is appearing on an international streaming service.

And then there’s that line.

Christ almighty …

Do they think we don’t get what the image is supposed to reflect?

But then Gwyneth doesn’t do subtle does she …

I’m not just talking about her over-the-top Oscar speech or her ‘conscious uncoupling’ pretentious divorce language … I’m talking about this.

Yes, the candle that smells of her vagina.

From Goop, her company that makes up complete medical lies.

And while it would be easy to laugh at all this stupidity, the fact is that candle has sold out and Goop is supposedly worth $250 million which has led me to 3 conclusions.

1. Brands need to stop thinking humans are logic operated.

2. Market valuations are about as trust worthy as politicians.

3. I’m losing my faith in so much of humanity.

See you Wednesday. If you’ve recovered in time.



When Advertising Stinks … Of Women’s Feet …

So I saw this ad recently in Amsterdam airport.

Now maybe it’s just me, but when I think of Jimmy Choo – I think of expensive women shoes, so when I think of Jimmy Choo as a male fragrance – I think of an expensive scent that smells of women’s feet.

I’m not sure this is the product expansion they went to do. Yet.

Another thing they shouldn’t have done is use the words, URBAN HERO.

No offense Jimmy Choo … but they are the least appropriate words that could ever be used in connection with your brand.

Urban?

URBAN????

You have spent years banging on about how the Jimmy Choo universe is one filled with galas and fashion shows.

Even the image shows the bloke [cut off at the ankles I note] sitting in front of some pristine, clinical ‘feature’.

Sorry, but you’re about as urban as Prince Andrew claiming he had Pizza Express in Woking.

And then there’s the word hero.

Hero?

Hero of what exactly?

Pretentious pricks?

Put them together and you get more evidence that many – but not all – who operate in the fashion world are more out of their head than any member of the Happy Mondays at their musical peak.

I hate everything about this ad.

EVERYTHING.

But then given they have made it about a man who smells of women’s feet and called him an urban hero, I don’t think I will have to worry about it being around for too long.



Where Is Lee Harvey Oswald When You Need Him …

Ladies and gentlemen.

Boys and girls.

We have reached ‘peak hipster’ …

A monocle.

A bloody monocle.

It was bad enough when people started wearing glasses without lenses in but this … THIS!!!

And they say ‘splendid clear reading vision, when you need it’

What the hell does that even mean?

Splendid clear reading vision.

How different is that from clear reading vision.

And sure you need that all the bloody time …

I cannot tell you how angry this has made me and it’s only because they had the self awareness to add the word ‘madness’ to their website that I won’t turn up to their store with a weapon, which – given the period of time they are trying to bring back – would probably be pistols at dawn.



Could Everyone Associated With This Please Punch Yourself In The Face …

Have a look at this …

I’ve got to be honest, I think it’s one of the most amazing ads I’ve ever seen.

Not – of course – because it’s good, but because there’s so many things in it to hate, I don’t know which one I loathe more.

From the cliched photograph that is obviously trying to associate with street culture through to the absolutely fucking awful oxymoron/pun of ‘Future Retro’ and ‘Deja New’ … there is an endless amount of hate inducing triggers in this ad.

But even those things don’t come close to releasing my inner rage as ‘Time Tracker’.

TIME TRACKER!!!

It’s a watch. A bloody watch. Yes, they ‘track time’ but they’re attempt to make it sound like the future of watches makes me literally want to kill.

Oh I am thinking about how I’d do it.

Maybe a wooden post so I can smack them around the head.

Or maybe a canon, so I can shoot them far, far away.

Or maybe … oh hang on, I know what I’ll do … I’ll make them wear that ‘time tracker’ and refer to it in the same way, so their shame will be all encompassing and complete.

Time Tracker is a perfect example of something I’ve been seeing more and more of … repositioning that isn’t repositioning.

Repositioning is about helping culture look at your brand in a totally different way.

When Wrigley’s chewing gum moved from being a sweet to a dental care product … that is repositioning.

When Poloroid cameras shifted from photography to being a social lubricant … that is a repositioning.

When Old Spice moved from being used by men to being valued by women … that is repositioning.

A watch going from telling the time to tracking the time is not.

And yet I am seeing more and more work that is trying to position themselves as a catalyst for change when they’re doing nothing but re-articulating the category expression.

One of the categories doing this the most is the financial sector.

There are more new ‘banks’ than at any point in my life.

All with quirky names.

All claiming to be revolutionizing the industry.

All stating they are being developed around the needs of their customers.

And yet not one of them seems to realize that as much as they’re trying to be seen as disrupting the banking industry, they’re doing it in exactly the same way as everyone else.

Disruption but without distinction.

But here’s the thing, are they even disrupting … because so many of them are trying to communicate you can ‘trust’ them. I get trust is important wherever money is concerned, but it is also the backbone of the industry … so in essence, they’re saying ‘we’re different’ and yet they are communicating in exactly the same way as the establishment.

In essence, they’ve become the beast they claim they were created to slay …

But they’re actually worse, because not building any distinction into their offering or behaviour except their name and choice of pastel ‘brand’ colour means all they are really building is commodotisation.

Of course that’s probably because their business plan is to be bought by the establishment and so they don’t care about long term thinking, but this – just like the idiots behind that Nixon watch – is the new ‘best practice’ for brand and business strategy.

And we wonder why the business community questions our ability to talk business.



Forget GoPro, Now We Have GoPorno …

As we all know, technology has had a profound effect on how we live.

Things that were once only available only to the few are now accessible to anyone with a smartphone.

Whole industries have been created – and destroyed – by the power of the internet.

One of these is porn.

While there is more of it available than at any point in history, the revenues associated with it are at all time lows.

This is not just because of sites like Pornhub – which has had a huge impact on the income of studios – but because smartphones have allowed people to film and share porn with ease.

But as with most things, once something has gone mainstream, people look to elevate themselves above the common herd and, as usual, the porn industry has found a way to exploit this trend by launching this …

What you are looking at is a cock cam.

That’s right, a camera attached to a cock ring so you can film your penis doing it’s thing in even greater detail.

Whether people want that level of detail is another thing altogether – quite frankly, I don’t know that many people who watch porn imagining they’re the penis – but for just US$160, you can elevate your home made porn to errrrm, professional standard.

Apparently it has ‘amazing night vision’ capabilities and comes with a stretchy yet tight silicone cock ring, keeping you harder for longer.

No, I can’t believe I’ve just typed that either.

While the porn industry have always embraced technology – albeit to drive revenue – there are times where I wish they followed the majority of other industries, and just put their head in the sand to trends.

That said, given this is a GoPro for penises, I do think they missed a trick not using the Go Pro old positioning line of ‘BE A HERO’ … not just because it captures the massive egotism someone must have to make a homemade porn film that they want to share with others, but it might alleviate their [correct] fear people might start laughing when they see them approaching with a camera balancing on their cock.

I wish this was an April Fools, but it isn’t.

Though anyone who buys one probably qualifies for the title.