The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


You Can Tell How Much The Finance Industry Thinks Of Us By The Products They Try To Sell To Us …

OK, I know banking is an easy target but – as anyone who has read this blog over the years will know – I am more than happy to throw darts at them.

Recently I came across this gem from Nutmeg … one of those financial institutions who give themselves a cool name so they can pretend they’re ‘down with the people’ when everything they say and do demonstrates the opposite.

Have a look at this …

Apart from the fact that they say nothing about what they do or how they do it – because, let’s face it, compound interest is hardly a unique offering – I’m just surprised they are saying that if you leave £20,000 for 40 years you’ll get over £140,000 at the end of it.

First of all, £20,000 is a lot of money.

Secondly, putting £20,000 away that you’ll never touch is an amazingly big ask.

Thirdly – and I don’t want to sound a dick – but I don’t know if £140,000+ sounds that much after a wait of 40 years.

Sure, I wouldn’t say no to it and I appreciate it represents a huge growth on your initial investment, but after removing the £20,000 you put in at the beginning, that works out to be a return of £3,000 a year.

OK, that’s not bad, but it’s certainly not enough to live off and certainly not the ‘most powerful force in the Universe’ that Einstein supposedly said.

And let’s not forget that little bit of copy at the top of the ad that say’s ‘Capital at risk. Forecasts are not a reliable indicator of future performance’.

Yes, they really are saying that everything they’ve just said could be a load of bollocks.

Imagine what else you could do with that strategy …

“Eat chips 10 times a day and could be beating admirers off with a shitty stick*”

[* Your health is at risk. Forecasts are not a reliable indicator of future performance]

Or what about this …

“Buy this skin care and you will look 30 years younger*”

[* Your self esteem is at risk. Forecasts are not a reliable indicator of future performance]

Why hasn’t someone thought of using this cross-category before???

But getting back to Nutmeg … my question is who is this ad aimed for?

Is it for people who are worried about their future and will put all their life savings away to get £140,000 in forty years time – ignoring the fact, that in 40 years time, £140,000 will be worth around £2.77 in todays money?

Or is it aimed at the wealthy … who can afford the investment, but probably expect even higher returns?

Honestly I’m not sure, but one thing I am certain of is that a financial organisation who doesn’t tell me why I should choose them over every other financial institution that also claims if I give them my money for 40 years, they’ll [hopefully] give me more back – but no guarantees – doesn’t stand much chance of getting any of my money.



Weird Isn’t Always Wonderful, But It’s Always Memorable …
November 30, 2018, 6:15 am
Filed under: A Bit Of Inspiration, Attitude & Aptitude, Crap Products In History, Empathy

A few weeks ago – the day after halloween to be precise – I woke up to seeing I was tagged on an instagram photo.

When I clicked on the link, I saw this …

Yes … that’s me.

As a pumpkin.

For Halloween.

And you want to know what’s even scarier? Yes, even scarier than me as a pumpkin.

It was done by someone I’ve not met.

WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

On the bright side, while it is hideously ugly – or said another way, a perfect representation of me – it’s not a voodoo doll and in a weird way, it’s like a compliment. Sure, a twisted, back-handed compliment, but when you’re my age, beggars can’t be choosers.

So to the wonderfully, stark-raving-bonkers Jess Politi … thank you for [finally] making me good enough to eat, even though I suspect I was much better used as something you could slowly burn and then smash repeatedly in the face with a hammer, thus fulfilling the aspirations of hundreds of past and present colleagues of mine.



Welcome To Inauthenticity …

I’ve written about Gary Vee before.

And while I admire his ability to promote himself – and don’t deny his considerable entrepreneurial spirit – I feel he is entering that dangerous area where he’s starting to blindly believe his own voice, without any sense of objectivity.

Now there’s many successful people who are like that, but given he preaches on a platform of self awareness, I find this new chapter of his ego particularly unpleasant to witness.

What has raised my ire?

This …

Yep, he has launched his own range of sneakers.

Sneakers!

What the fuck?

Apart from maybe watching sport or having once ridden a skateboard, what credibility has he got to do that?

I could maybe accept it he had got some fantastic – and credible – people to help create them, but that is never mentioned at all.

Of course not, because even if that is the case, I doubt his ego would allow it.

And maybe that’s why he wants people in marketing and entrepreneurship to support him rather than athletes … despite the fact they’re made to look like the bastard love-child of Adidas and K-Swiss.

That’s right, it’s not enough for Mr Vaynerchuk to create a pair of ‘sneakers’ that’s been influenced/plagarised by one credible sports brand, he wants to double influence/plagarise … which kind of sums him up through and through.

Seriously, anyone who buys a pair of these is basically anti-sport and pro-asshole.



Since When Has 12 Gone Into 54?

Yes I’m back.

I can’t say much about the papers I judged except that the posts I’ve written about past entries I’ve judged still seem insanely relevant.

[Like this or this]

So let’s get back to that blog post title.

What the hell am I talking about?

Well, it’s not another demonstration of my terrible maths skills, it’s actually about toilet paper manufacture Charmin, who claims 12 rolls of their loo paper is the equivalent of 54 other brands rolls.

What?

Look, I get they have a few more sheets than other brands, but the equivalent of 42 rolls?

Are they having a laugh?

Even when I look it up, I can only find this:

Ultra Charmin Ultra Soft Toilet Paper 12 Mega Rolls.Charmin Ultra Soft Mega Roll toilet paper is the softer* way to get clean, in a roll that lasts longer**. It has comfort cushions that are softer and 75% more absorbent*. You can use less*. Charmin Ultra Soft Mega Roll toilet paper is 2-ply and also septic-safe. We all go to the bathroom, those who go with Charmin Ultra Soft Mega Roll toilet paper really Enjoy the Go! (*vs. the leading bargain brand, **Charmin Double Roll)

Even this doesn’t explain it … and even if it did, I’d say they’re talking about their ‘double roll’ range which surely would mean it’s the equivalent of 24 rolls rather than 54.

To make matters even more confusing is that if you look the brand up on Amazon, it say’s 12 rolls is like 48, and while that is also obviously bollocks, at least the maths would make it sound sort-of plausible.

But whether it’s 48 or 54, the bit I don’t get – apart from how they are even claiming this – is that if each ‘mega roll’ is the equivalent of at least 4 other rolls combined, how the hell do they still fit on toilet roll dispenser?

I cannot tell you how much this is bothering me.

What am I missing???

Is this a future effectiveness award winner or an Enron contender?

Answers gratefully received.



Facebook Is The Home Of Fake News …

I’ve written a lot about Facebook over the years.

Good stuff.

Bad stuff.

Questionable stuff.

But the reality is that for all the shit it gets thrown in its direction … for all the talk of it losing its relevance … it’s still super popular and influential.

But as we have all read recently, it has been susceptible to communicating false news.

False news that has enabled bad things to happen … either because it encouraged people to react to things that didn’t require a reaction or encouraging people to believe that everything was OK when everything was absolutely not OK.

To be fair to Facebook, they have openly stated they don’t want this to happen and are taking steps to stop it.

Of course people say it’s too little too late but the fact is, when you have over a billion users, it’s bloody hard to manage all that content and data. But that said, sometimes things happen that are so obviously #FalseNews you have to wonder how the hell they let it happen at all.

Stuff like this …

Come on Facebook … what the hell were you thinking letting this happen?

While anyone who knows me will think it’s bollocks, the fact is even I don’t believe it and I’m as delusional as they come.

For your own sake, you need to understand that while people are willing to accept mistakes, when you let something as stupid as this occur, you’ll find their patience is very thin.

You can thank me later Mr Z, preferably with a cheque for $10,000,000.



Blah Wars …

I’ve previously written about the commercialization of Star Wars, but I recently saw this and realized it’s got much worse than I originally thought.

OK … so Star Wars cornflakes may be as terrible a tie-in as you can get, but seriously, have you ever seen something as utterly hideous as this …

Look, I get there’s some nerds out there who think Yoda is real … hell, there’s some planners out there who think they’re Yoda, but come on, who the hell would actually want this?

I swear to god, even the worst Norwegian Death Metal loving, 8-times-a-day masturbating, Star Wars fan wouldn’t want to be seen dead with this. And why would they … they live in a house where where the only light that enters their room comes from their computer screen as they play their 22nd straight hour of WOW.

Then there’s the price.

US$180.

ONE HUNDRED AND EIGHTY DOLLARS.

Whaaaaaaaat?

But as much as I’d like to dismiss this as the work of some insane individual, the fact is I know this utterly disgusting, bad-taste, Star Wars room light will sell in their thousands, so next time someone tries to kill your ideas with the excuse “no one would do that”, show them this ad and tell them not to be so quick with their assumptions.



The World Hasn’t Gone Mad, It’s Gone Ridiculous …

A week today is my last day at Wieden, so what I’m about to write shouldn’t matter. But it does.

You see, last week I received an email from a rather well known publisher.

A publisher of books.

They wanted to ‘have a chat’.

So obviously I was kind of intrigued so I called them and do you know what they said …

THEY WOULD LIKE TO MAKE A BOOK OF MY BLOG POSTS!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Despite the utter stupidity of that suggestion, I am not going to deny my ego was well and truly stroked … which is why they brought me down to earth when they added “We don’t want all your posts, just the ones where you have something others will find valuable to read”.

Putting aside that with that filter, it’s going to be more pamphlet than book, I still find it rather exciting and can only assume their business model is built on the belief that people will pay a couple of quid to get to the few posts that are worth reading rather than spend hours traipsing through shite looking for them.

Hmmmmmn, not the best investment argument I’ve ever heard.

But here is where you come in.

You see I’ve been asked to choose the 100 posts that I think are valuable.

I know, 100. Talk about being optimistic.

Anyway, if this goes ahead, they want to pitch it as a business book [I swear I’m not making this up] … which I assume means less posts about my best friends penis size and more about businessy-stuff. I’m pretty sure that down the line, I’ve written a few of them – whether it was on strategy, creative briefs or recruitment – however in the unlikely event there’s a post on here that you remember as having some value, could you let me know because I sure-as-hell don’t want to spend months going through 10+ years of rubbish only to realise there’s nothing on here that I actually like anymore.

Ta.