The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


And You Thought The Mouldy BK Burger Ad Was Provocative …

The fast food industry is having a hard time.

As tastes change and a more healthy lifestyle becomes more desirable, it is getting more difficult for them to operate as they once did.

While some brands are evolving their offering – like McDonald’s – others are taking a more pragmatic perspective.

The most famous, recent example is the BK Mouldy Burger which ignited all manner of debate – often with people quick to say it won’t work without anyone actually knowing what the goal of the work actually was.

Well in South Korea there’s a burger company that makes BK look positively innocent.

It’s not just how they used Supreme to inspire their logo in a way Uncle Martian would be jealous of.

Nor is it their audacious copyright infringement of famous cartoon characters to talk about themselves.

And it’s not even their proud claims of being ‘100% Beef Meat’.

No … it’s none of those, it’s their utter confidence of their product over their competitors.

Take a look …

Amazing eh?

Not just the aggressiveness … but the choice of words.

Linking the words ‘burgers’ and ‘shit’ makes a mouldy burger look positively appetising.

Then there’s the fact it’s in English.

When I lived in China, there were a bunch of stores that used English in their copy.

Sometimes it was for the audience it was targeting.

Sometimes it was because they thought it made them look ‘sophisticated’.

But a lot of the time – as I think is the case here – they did it because it enhanced their ‘authenticity’.

Given burgers are very American, I feel their idea was that by using English and being aggressive in their tone, they encapsulated the American spirit and as such, could say their burgers were authentic.

Of course, given Burger King and McDonald’s are also American slightly undermines that idea, but hey – it doesn’t seem they really put too much thought into how they came across.

I must admit, when I saw it, I couldn’t help feel it was like a Viz fake-ad from the 80’s.

Viz – for those who don’t know – was/is an English ‘adult-humour’ comic.

Years ago, I approached them about starting an ad agency.

They said no, which still disappoints me as not only were their spoof ads brilliant, but based on both Billionbox and BK’s recent work … there’s more and more brands seemingly trying to copy their style but without the brilliance, clarity, humour or memorability as them.



The First Rule Of Marketing …

… is know your audience.

The second rule is let them know you know them.

For all the millions spent at agencies and consultancies, this food vendor at the recent Chelsea v Everton match. shows they get it more than most.

Now you may think, ‘who would shop at a place that publicly identifies them as a chubby’?

And I get it …

In these highly visual times, no one wants to associate with anything deemed socially negative.

But apart from the fact there are some people who take great pride in their unhealthiness, the reality is there’s something incredibly lovely about that name.

If you’re hungry.

If you need something to eat.

If you want something that’s going to make you full.

What better place is there than a food cart with the name Chubby’s.

Chubby’s suggests big portions. Lots of flavour [read: fat] Value for money.

But it’s more than that.

This is a food cart at a football match.

Food and football is never supposed to be fancy.

It’s supposed to be piping hot and insanely substantial …

This means even the most healthy minded individual can justify buying from there.

“It’s just this once” … they’ll say.

“It’s part of the footballing experience” they’ll claim.

And then, to make themselves feel less greedy, they’ll do what was the basis of one of my favourite ever campaigns – a bloody radio ad no less – they’ll go and order a Diet Tango to wash it all down with.

The weak and delusional fools.

[Cue evil laugh]

So while I doubt any naming consultancy would ever come up with such a choice of name for a football food establishment, I would say the owner of this cart is a better marketer than most of the agencies and consultancies put together.

And his hot dogs were a delight.

That is not a euphemism.



Nothing Brings You More Down To Earth Than A Naked Bum Dance …

So I’ve been doing this advertising job thing for 30 years.

THIRTY.

And in that time, I've had the huge honour and privilege to work with amazing people around the world and do work that has achieved a certain level of fame and notoriety.

Because of that, I have been invited to speak at conferences all around the World … rubbing shoulders that frankly, I should have no right to.

The point of all this is that I've done quite a lot and achieved quite a lot.

Believe it or not, this is not a humble brag, in fact it's about to be a public humiliation.

You see a few weeks ago, while working from home, I was on video conference with a very senior member of NIKE's global team.

They were talking about some stuff, and realising I didn't have a notepad, I nipped downstairs to get a notepad.

When I came back, my client told me Otis had came in, done an impromptu naked bum dance at the screen, then ran out giggling.

To top it off, they said, “… and your son is still more professional than you”

Fortunately this client has known Otis since he was born so he found it funny – as would anyone really – and the meeting carried on as before.

Anyway, as I found this amusing, I put it on Twitter and LinkedIn as ‘the perils from working from home with a 5 year old’.

Within 3 days … THREE … it had achieved more views and shares than literally any conference, presentation, talk, blog post or tweet I’ve ever written.

In fact, it probably comes second to all of them combined.

ALL. OF. THEM.

Doesn’t matter if a talk of mine had been online for 10 years.

Beaten.

Didn’t matter if I’d written an occasionally topical blog post or tweet.

Beaten.

In 3 days, my sons naked bum dance had trounced all of them.

As of the time of writing, on LinkedIn alone, that single post has been read over 190,000 times, been shared 347 times, had over 3000 people approve it, had 100 comments and ignited over 220 different people – from big CEO/CMO’s to law firms – to ask to join my ‘network’.

Yes, my sons naked bum encouraged people to want to connect to me.

What sort of weird bastards are they?

[Of course I said yes, beggars can’t be choosers]

And while I can use this story at every birthday or celebration that Otis has for the next 30 years, nothing has highlighted how utterly futile my career has been than this.

Parents are said to always want their kids to go further than they have achieved.

Well he’s done it already.

At age 5.

Good job I love you with all my heart Otis.



The Daily Mail Is Another Virus We Must Get Rid Of …

Tomorrow I’ve written a positive post about some of the stuff Corona virus has revealed we are capable of being.

Today I’m writing about the worst of it.

Specifically The Daily Mail.

As we all know, they have become one of the most successful newspapers and internet destinations in the World thanks to their fear-mongering, shock-creating, prejudice-encouraging bullshit, all wrapped up in the illusion of being a family newspaper caring about family values.

If Donald Trump was a newspaper, he’d be The Daily Mail.

They have absolutely revelled in the corona virus.

Equally challenging the scientists viewpoints and then the people who don’t follow it.

They play both sides with such obviousness [see photo above] and yet they – like Fox TV – claim to be consistent, fair and balanced.

The fact they get away with it means either no one believes them or – as I fear – their readers don’t question a word they say.

While they like to focus their hate on minority groups, no one is immune from their hate.

Even the middle-England elderly readers – their core audience in the UK – cop it with headlines that suggest ‘they will all be left to die’ or ‘isolation till 2021’.

They are the embodiment of ‘take no prisoners’ …

For me, they are basically a far right political party.

However, unlike the far right, they have found a much more powerful way to operate.

They don’t openly show their hatred … oh no, they slowly and quietly infiltrate mainstream society so they can undermine the minorities, the unemployed and the poor by making prejudice, illness and poverty seem the words and beliefs of the irrational.

To be fair to them, they may not even realise it.

They are so myopic that they fail to appreciate other people have different circumstances.

Which is why they – like that other prick, Piers Morgan – don’t realise their commentary is so harmful because they’ve never experienced any of the issues they are so quick to either claim don’t exist or they would never advocate … like prejudice, racism and poverty.

As you’ll read in tomorrow’s post, corona has revealed the best of many companies and news organisations.

It has changed the dynamic between corporation and society.

It’s why I hope after this, the Daily Mail is seen for what it is, a social manipulator – a company who only acts in the interests of its owner and no one else.

A great villain for a Bond movie, but not a great company for society.



Kids Today …

So a while back, I wrote a post about Martin Bassot.

Martin worked for me at R/GA as a very talented comms/connections planner but then fucked off to Wieden+Kennedy.

Anyway, as part of his leaving present we gave him a jigsaw.

Of himself.

You see as one of his bucket list goals before he turned 30, he wanted to do a big jigsaw.

There’s 2 very big problems with the previous sentence.

1. He was incredibly talented and only TWENTY BLOODY NINE.

2. The other was he wanted to do a jigsaw as a life goal.

Christ!

Anyway, because I’m a bit of a prick, I found the photo of the one time he wore a suit for work [to pick up an award, the bloody corporate crawler] photoshopped it onto a pic of a ‘used car forecourt’ and made that the image of his jigsaw.

Zoom forward a few weeks and we caught up.

I told him it was because I wanted to see how he was doing, but it was really to make sure he was not letting Wieden down, as I still feel a ridiculous sense of loyalty to Dan, given all the mayhem I apparently caused when I was there.

So the call started off interestingly when the Crystal Palace supporting scum came onto the video chat sporting a background specially designed to provoke trouble.

[See photo at the top of this post]

He would have got away with it too had he not later sent me a photo of where he was at with the goodbye jigsaw.

Amateur mistake.

You see, at the time of writing this post, he has been gone from R/GA for 2 months.

THAT’S EIGHT WEEKS.

And not only was he working from home for most of that time, he had 2 weeks off sick …

That means, he had 1,344 possible hours to finish this jigsaw … and how much has he done?

This much …

And to think I thought he was one of the brightest minds I’d met.

Pah.

On the bright side, showing his jigsaw dyslexia to the World [or the 8 sad bastards who visit this blog everyday] is some sort of revenge for the Forest Shit zoom backdrop.

And yet I still like him and miss him.

I’m a saint. A bloody saint.

______________________________________________________________________________________

UPDATE:

Since writing this post, Martin sent me a message saying he had finally completed it.

Worse, he said it with a distinct ‘smugness’ in his tone.

OK, it was an SMS but I could still sense it.

So I sent him a 3000 piece jigsaw of this.

That’ll teach him.

Probably for the next year.

Cue: Evil laugh!



Why Car Ads Are Killing The Car Category …

I wrote about an old car ad recently, but I recently saw another one that reinforced how far that category of advertising has fallen over the years.

Look at it.

Ridiculous.

Noticeable.

Full of charm and character.

Pretty much sums up the 2CV.

When was the last time you saw a car ad like that?

Hell, when was the last time you saw any car ad that made you give a shit, fullstop?

Sure there’s Wieden’s – and one of my absolute faves – Born of Fire for Chrysler and BBH’s wonderful Audi Clowns … but they are the absolute exception in a World dominated with ‘aspirational lifestyle’ imagery, topped with a bland, meaningless version of Just Do It as an endline.

It’s so sad because cars offer so much more than status and lifestyle.

And yet, that seems to be all car manufacturers want to spout – which is weird for a whole host of reasons.

One is that the future of the category is under severe threat by a generation who not only favour other options, but are increasingly not even bothering to learn to drive.

Second is the World is waking up to the environmental damage cars do and yet the infrastructure for the alternative – electric vehicles – is still insanely poor.

Finally is the fact that companies are actively pushing to lower salaries and full-time staff while increasing zero hour contracts, so who the hell do they think will be able to afford the cars they make anyway?

All in all, the category is crying out for someone who will disrupt the industry.

From ownership to running costs to marketing and everything in-between.

There’s a couple of companies exploring the possibilities … Volvo in particular are being pragmatic in these spaces … but even that might not be enough when the car manufacturers talk to the same [old] people, in the same places, with the same premise.

The last time I saw a long term brand idea for a car manufacturer that genuinely injected freshness and authenticity into the category through their work was Crispin’s ‘Mini’ … and that was back in 2002!!!

So while I hate looking backward and think most of the industries problems are because they are obsessed with ‘progressing’ through the rear view mirror, where car ads are concerned, they might do themselves a favour if they chose reverse gear.



How A Toilet Company Pissed On Purpose. Literally And Metaphorically …

It’s Friday 13th, so what better day to write about the scary subject of ‘brand purpose’.

OK, so unlike Mr Weigel, I believe brand purpose does have a real value.

That said, like Martin, I don’t believe purpose can be manufactured – or changed on a whim – and I certainly don’t believe it can do what governments can’t.

A while back I wrote a post about where purpose is going mad and used an umbrella shop as an example of when it all goes to shit.

Well, talking of shit, I recently was in Denmark.

When I was at the airport, I needed the loo – so in I went and then saw this …

Look at that …

No, not the loo, but the purpose.

Together We Change.

TOGETHER WE BLOODY CHANGE!?

Change what?

I think it has something to do with saving water but … what the fuck?

It’s a urinal.

A public urinal.

Why are they trying to sound like they’re making an Oscar speech.

Let’s not forget, this is a device that has been made to catch wee-wee [don’t say this blog isn’t kid friendly] … it’s an important device but not one worthy of a purpose like that.

And what’s the ‘Together’ part of that statement?

Are they organising men to have a filter placed in their penises [don’t say this blog doesn’t use correct biological terms] to ensure the water they emit is cleaned at source?

All this was going through my mind until I looked around the bathroom I was standing in and saw the state of the floor.

Piss. Everywhere.

EVERYWHERE.

Which immediately made me realise I’d been too harsh on the toilet company and their grandiose purpose because what I think they meant when they said ‘Together we change’ was …

“Hey men, stop pissing on the floor”

… though they would have more luck if they used the genius fly on the urinal trick, rather than another pointless purpose that people laugh at rather than are inspired by.

Purpose has a place in brands.

Purpose can be very powerful for brands.

But the moment you think it can be anything you want it to be and you act like it’s not for commercially beneficial reasons, then the only people you’re kidding is yourself.