The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


The Con Is Revealed ….

So as any poor, regular reader on here knows, I’ve been getting emails from APAC Insider magazine saying that Cynic was in the running for a Business Excellence Award in Australia.

Now while this is flattering, you’ll also know that Cynic legally closed their doors in 2010 so APAC Insider are basically a bunch of con-merchants.

Well, now I have unequivocal proof of it because – as I suspected we would – we won.

Yep, Cynic – a company that has not been in legal existence for SEVEN YEARS – has won a Business Excellence Award.

Now they may claim our excellence is in the fact we sold the company, but frankly, this would have been more believable if they’d not left a 7 year gap before bestowing us with their award.

But that’s all by-the-by because I know what you want to know what we won.

Is it a massive trophy?

Is it a huge cheque?

Is it a staring role at a lavish ceremony?

No, it’s this …



That’s right, our ‘prize’ is the chance to get a discount to advertise in their magazine.

A magazine that gives out prizes to companies that don’t exist anymore.

A magazine no one has heard of.

Oh hang on, they also give you a ‘digital certificate’ that you can put on your website. Oh that’s alright then … I mean, who wouldn’t want to advertise a bullshit magazine’s award on their website that basically say’s We’re a bunch of gullible fools.

I hate this company … I hate what they are trying to do to small business.

Sure, the small companies might have some blame to share if they do it, but as I wrote a while ago, when you’re just starting out, you are so desperate to feel you are moving forwards, you tend to grasp onto anything that feels like a positive step.

That’s what those fucks at APAC Insider magazine are exploiting and managing to get away with it.

But there is some good news because last week I received an email from them expressing their interest in being nominated for the International Magazine Publishers ‘Promotion of the Year’, so maybe they’ll be learning their lesson more quickly than we all hoped.

And I’ll be there applauding them when they get their moment in the spotlight.



Does Delta Care More About Their Plastic Than Their Passengers …

So a little while ago, I was flying on DELTA from NYC to LA.

As I was settling in for my 5 hour flight [that turned into a 10 hour trip, which is a story for another day] I reached for the headphones so I could enjoy my new luxury of watching a movie uninterrupted.

So imagine my surprise when I found this …

Maybe it’s just me, but I find the most unhygienic thing about airline headphones is the fact they’ve been on other people’s ears so for the life of me, I don’t understand why Delta put plastic around the cord.

And before you say ‘it’s to keep the wire together’, that’s not true because when you ripped off the little blue bag, the wire was held together with one of those plastic tags.

Which begs the question, why the hell did they cover up the one thing that doesn’t need covering up.

Or said another way, why the hell do Delta think their passengers are more concerned about the hygiene of the headphone socket than their ears?

Lee … any ideas or is this one of those ‘no comment’ moments?



The Most Ridiculous Phone Management System In The World …

American companies – like every other country in the World – love automated telephone systems.

To actually get to speak to a real human, is harder than earning a PHD in astrophysics.

But what makes me laugh is how they try so so hard to make it sound like you’re talking to a real person when it’s painfully obvious you’re not.

However, in America, it has reached new heights.

I was organizing Direct TV and was having to repeat my answer to every question asked by the ‘automated human’ because it doesn’t understand British accents when – finally – it accepted my answer.

Imagine my surprise when immediately after, I heard the sound effect of a person typing.

Seriously, it was trying to suggest they were literally inputing my answer into their system.

If that wasn’t mental enough, the sound they used sounded awfully like a typewriter from the 1920’s.

Apart from the fact that a supposed high-tech company shouldn’t feel embarrassed about not using real people, if they really believe genuine human interaction is more desirable for customers than a computer, then HIRE SOME FUCKING HUMANS.

Another example where a consultancy has come in to improve efficiency and ignored reality.



America Is Modern History …

So I’ve already written how much I’m enjoying LA.

That doesn’t mean it’s better than China, just different.

I say that because there’s a huge amount of things about China I miss.

People. [Or at least some of them]
Clients. [Or at least some of them]
Culture. [Nearly all of it]

But there’s one thing I miss in its entirety and that’s how China deals with money.

More specifically, how China has embraced technology to enable people to transact their cash.

Of course, part of this is because China LOVES getting people to spend money and so the easier they make it, the easier it will be to get people to do it but then America – a land the Middle Kingdom copied in terms of capitalistic tendencies – is supposed to be a ‘spend society’ so I’m absolutely shocked how backwards they are in terms of embracing technology for finance.

Everywhere I go … everything I buy … can only be obtained with a credit card or a cheque.

A fucking cheque.

Seriously.

Oh yes, there’s the odd ‘Apple Pay’ option, but as we all know, that’s a piece of crap – especially compared to WeChat – so basically I’m in a situation where for the first time in literally 20 years, I am using cheque books.

At first, I thought they were joking, then I opened my bank account and they sent me 6 cheque books “to get me started”.

Six!!! Hahahahaha.

Thank God I was a pre-existing AMEX customer so I could get a local card otherwise – given the way America only offers you credit if you’re wildly in debt – I’d have to buy a bloody newspaper with a cheque.

The World may laugh at QR codes, but China has shown how they can be used to change the way people behave and transact with money forever. If America wants to be great again, modernizing their approach to money might be a good first step.



Samsung Are Right, Apple Do Lead The Blind, But Sometimes That’s A Great Thing …

A few weeks ago, I smashed the screen of my iPhone 7.

To say I was annoyed was an understatement, especially when I was told that all of Shanghai’s Genius Bars were fully booked for 6 weeks so the only thing I could do – if I wanted things to be sorted quickly – was to turn up at an Apple store and queue up for hours on end.

So I did.

I got up early and was at the store at 8am so I could be first when the doors opened.

And you know what, I’m glad I did because otherwise I would not have been able to see this …

“What’s that you ask?”

It’s a group of blind people being given access to the store before it opens so they can shop safely and comfortably.

It may seem a little thing to us, but it would be a huge thing for them.

As we saw with Asda doing a special open store for customers suffering with autism, the retail industry is miles ahead of most organisations in terms of customer understanding and service.

Not to mention being light years ahead of adland and their often embarrassing attempts to make a difference to culture. Though, to be fair, that’s because most of them are only doing it because they want to win an industry award [namely a Cannes Lion] than to actually make something that has any real benefit for society.



Why Differences Are Brilliant …

One of the things I absolutely love is when you hear a perspective on something that you never thought about.

Something that makes you stop and reconsider what you thought you know.

Not that it means your original perspective was wrong – as I’ve said before, there’s rarely a really wrong answer, just lots of degrees of right – but you just feel your eyes have been opened to something that you thought had no way of surprising you.

It’s like a revelation to me.

The reason I say this is because it happened when I read this interview with a bouncer …

Now maybe you’re thinking his statement was massively obvious, but I never looked at bouncers that way.

To me, they were there to stop trouble and maintain order.

Oh … and to look menacing.

[Except my best friend Paul is sometimes one and he is the opposite of menacing]

However, after reading “If you’re too drunk you’re not going to buy any drink”, I now realise their actions are as much about securing the profitability of the business as it is securing the reputation and environment of the premises.

In essence, they’re more than bouncers, they’re business managers.

Now of course, you could say this is a classic case of ‘reframing’, and maybe it is … but in my experience, it only works when it is born from a truth that people can immediately relate too, so even if that is the case, it’s still better than 95% of the stuff our industry has done.



Welcome To Australia, Please Put Your Watches Back 20 Years …

Before I begin, this is not Australia bashing week.

I know I wrote something about the place yesterday, but this is entirely coincidental.

Besides, laughing at the misguided taste of an Australian government department is not the same as laughing at the entire nation.

A nation where my wife originates.

A nation that my son holds a passport from.

A nation where I am classed as a permanent resident. For tax reasons. [Bastards]

OK? Good … so I will now begin.

Cynic stopped being a legal entity in 2010.

We had a great run and had a great time, but opportunities meant we wanted to explore other paths in life.

While we kept the website up, it was for nostalgia purposes rather than any belief we would one day restart it again.

Besides, legally we wouldn’t be able to do that because the name – and all property of it – belongs to someone else now.

So imagine my surprise when I received this …

Yep, seven years after putting the shutters up, an Australian award group have recognised our brilliance. Or something.

Of course it’s bound to be a scam because business situation aside, the website is very dated and so to be nominated for anything other than ‘website best maintained in mothballs’ there’s no way we should be on any list.

But of course I’ve accepted the offer because I am very keen to see how far this goes.

I appreciate competition is tough these days … but I am astounded how many emails/letters I get from companies that have obviously done no due diligence. The amount of companies who write to me without realising I’m based in China is amazing.

Let’s be honest, if these companies can’t get their basic information right, then why would I believe they could do a good job for me?

Given the importance of reputation, I am shocked how many organisations don’t seem to give a shit about it. And I appreciate that’s saying something coming from me and my Birkenstocks.