The Musings Of An Opinionated Sod [Help Me Grow!]


The Final Countdown …

So today is the beginning of my final full month in America.

That blows my mind.

Without doubt I am sad my time here is coming to an end so soon – its been a great honour to be able to live here and meet so many amazing people – but by the same token, I’m genuinely excited to be moving back to my home country after 24 years away.

That said, part of the disappointment of leaving is I know I got to see and experience so little.

Sure, I’ve been to a bunch of places in my time here, but when you travel mainly for work, you never really get to get a feel for a place.

Yes, I have continued to do what I’ve always done in new cities [the follow up to that link can be read here] but that’s nothing like immersing yourself in the cultural underbelly of a place.

And that’s one of the main reasons I’m disappointed, because while America is a pretty fucked up right now and a lot of the industry here prefers easy over great, it is still an amazing country that I would have loved to have understood and experienced more of.

People, portions and lifestyle aside, there will be some things I’ll always take with me.

The realisation America’s version of a ‘compact car’ is a European 4×4.

The obsession people all have with ranch dressing.

The countries fascination with holidays and how they go all out for them.

The obsessive order people follow to get off planes.

The fact people say and write “Y’all”.

That checks/cheques are still a thing.

No one can talk about race, abortion, wealth, guns, racism. Ever.

That people are not at all comfortable with honesty and truth.

The hierarchy of corporate structures and how they work and are adopted.

The utter brilliance of The Cheesecake Factory.

Oh there are so many things … things I will take with me forever that will make me smile and frown for the rest of my days … but overall America has been very good to me and my family and for that, I will always be grateful.

Sure, the feelings are different to when I left China, but thanks to some of the people, experiences and work I was able to be a part of, I can leave feeling a better person than when I arrived, which – when you think about it – is the best way to leave anywhere.

I just hope some people will feel the same way.

At least the ones who now will always matter to me.

[Though I have a month to try and change that for them, ha]



One Person’s Kinky Is Another Persons Vanilla …
February 25, 2017, 6:20 am
Filed under: Attitude & Aptitude, Sex, Taboo Categories

Here are some products from the recent SEXPO exhibition.

I tell you, my childhood memory of ‘space hoppers’ has just been ruined. Forever.

But there’s worse … no really, there is.

Are you ready for it?

Really?

OK, don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Yes, that really is a G-Spot Squirt Watch.

I don’t know how it works – I don’t want to know how it works – but I must admit I’d love to know how you tell the time with it, not to mention how you wind it up … but assuming you’re as violated as I am, I think it’s best if I just leave it there.

But I bet Rolex are shitting themselves.

Try and have a good weekend.



When Product Descriptions Make You Feel Ill …

So I was in a supermarket recently when I saw this.

While I am a huge advocate of cleanliness and healthiness and I absolutely appreciate the cleaning properties of vinegar – I’m not sure if this is something I’d find appealing when looking for a product that I’m going to use on my most sensitive regions.

OK, two things.

1. I appreciate I WOULDN’T be using it on my sensitive regions.

[Sorry for that image]

2. Like Listerine [until they came out with the orange flavour, which is still madness personified] I get that some products need to leave you with an ‘ugly tingling feeling’ so you emotionally feel you have been cleaned. So to speak.

But seriously, is vinegar the sort of thing you’d want to use on yourself?

Maybe it’s because I’m a bloke – and an English bloke – but the word vinegar conjures up images of chips and while I would love to eat a bag of them covered in Sarsons [not that overpriced, poncy stuff] I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want my nether-regions to smell of them.

I wonder if that means this product isn’t available in the UK given vinegar’s strong association with dodgy food.

Actually I wonder if any normal person would spend this much time thinking about this subject?

Alright … maybe I’m a sad, weird freak but this product stopped me in my tracks, but that could also be because the naming is some of the weirdest I’ve ever seen in my life.

It starts off all nice and angelic with ‘Summers Eve’.

Oh that’s a nice name … it paints pictures of a beautiful evening sky, full of beautiful colours promising a bright tomorrow.

Then they throw in ‘Douche’.

OK, that kind of ruins the picture a bit because at best you think of someone you know who is a total idiot and at worst, you think of something a woman uses to clean her privates.

Then they double down with ‘Extra Cleaning Vinegar & Water’.

And with that, the beautiful evening sky has been replaced with the feeling of needles being jabbed where you never ever want them jabbed.

Seriously, that naming combination has to be the weirdest ever.

Surely they could have thought of other ways to talk about douche’s and vinegar given they’d come up with such an evocative product name.

But no. They didn’t which is why instead of Summers Eve, they should have called it Winter’s Worst and be done with it.



It Will Make You Blind And You Can’t Climb Ladders Easily …

A long time ago I wrote about a gum that was designed to stop teenagers whacking off.

Then there was the soap that supposedly made you a virgin again. Or something.

However before you think the ‘anti-sex’ brigade have the monopoly on stupid and ineffective products … don’t forget Vulva aftershave, the scent designed to make men smell like a vagina. A sweaty vagina. Oh how I wish I was joking.

Anyway, I say all this because recently a friend sent me this …

I am hoping he sent it to me because he knew I’d find it amusing, but seriously look at it!

I must admit, when I first saw it, I thought it was a joke but then I visited the URL and it went to a real place.

Now I have to be honest, having read it – I literally don’t know if it’s true or a parody.

If it’s true, it’s hilarious. [And a teensy bit scary]

And if it’s a parody, it’s absolutely brilliant. [Check out the ‘Family Fun’ link]

But here’s the thing, that ‘ad’ states that you can never climb the ladder to heaven if your hands are full of penis.

Despite my best friend being the proud owner of a penis that could easily be mistaken for an international ballistic missile, I’ve never had any penis size issues but I might now if this organisation say’s that the average penis requires 2 hands to control.

Or maybe that’s just people who are going to go to hell.

Which – if it is – is the best ad for sin I’ve ever seen.

Besides, there’ll be more interesting people there … not to mention all my friends.
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PS: I promise the blog posts get better this week. Eventually.



UnTruth In Advertising …

Yeah … a fag company advertising their death sticks with the line, “Life. Full On”

OK, so this photo was taken in a market where cigarette advertising is still allowed – which means they’re already behind the times – but unless their interpretation of ‘Life. Full On’ is one Salem fag puts 10 years of hard-livng pressure on your heart and lungs … then they’re a bunch of lying bastards.

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For the record, I took this photo in 2006, so there is a very good chance this campaign – and cigarette legislation – has changed. But since when has that ever stopped me.